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Ramblings

I lie in front of the fire and ponder yesterday’s events. Flashes of toenails and screaming race through my mind. I can’t help but wonder where this shoebox full of toes, dog tails and Moogle heads came from.

I sip lightly at the mauve nectar in my glass. The clock strikes midnight as I peer out the window. The night is quiet. I relax into my hand crafted recliner made of animal bones and skin, or as I call it the Butcher’s Throne. With a light blow on the cartridge and a soft click, Mario slides into a dust covered entertainment unit. I prepare myself for a hearty classic adventure.

The story unfolds as usual, with me chasing after my beloved. I’m greeted with comforting music as I begin my journey towards my dearest princess. This sweet sound reminds me of childhood and long summer nights dissecting neighborhood cats.

I am quickly met by a kind fellow with a spotted bulbous head. Later, as I’m nibbling the last of the meat from his bony legs I decide that I shall name him Toad and I can’t help but admire the lovely sound his hollowed skull makes in the wind. The journey continues towards the beautiful maiden.

After much time spent running, jumping, and flying I encounter an extremely slow moving tortoise, relentlessly pacing back and forth. Although quite large, there is something friendly about this handsome creature.

“Good day to you, Sir!” I exclaim. But he fails to respond. Perhaps, I think to myself, I should hop on past this odd Koopa and leave him undisturbed to wander about this peaceful world of shrubs and bricks. And yet, after peeling the fleshy tissue from his shell I jaunt away with a smile and a new found taste for tortoise meat.

No one cares about my high score.

But soon, my joyous romp towards the princess is thrown into chaos. While walking along and wiping the blood from my new collection of Goomba eyes I per chanced upon a flower I’d never seen. As I bent closer to examine its delicate features the creature snapped upwards and bit me.

“Knave!” I shriek. ” You deceitful creature! What have you done?”

I feel the veins in my forehead pulsing and the blood gushing from the deathly tear on my neck. “You have not seen the last of me you villainous cretin!” But my words are nothing more than gurgles and growls as my body flails uncontrollably. The princess. I’ve failed you. I remember nothing more.

When I awake, I am in the hospital. The doctors inform me I had been pulled from my burning home, impossibly tangled in cords and cables. Oddly enough, my neck showing no wound. But to me the real mystery is the gnawed plastic and red buttons removed from my stomach.

The world of Mario is a dark place, and one I may not venture back to. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to find my princess in this world. My mind is put at ease knowing that my true love is buried safely in the woods.

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Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• The term dust bunnies may sound cute, but when they evolve to the point of sentience and operate functional economies based on your fallen skin and toe nail clippings it’s time for some genocide.

  -Alan

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