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Strategy Guide to Life

Level 12 – The Gym

 By Alan - February 2, 2010

Naked Power Gym Level 12 The Gym

The Gym is a great place to pad your strength and remove some nasty traits. This area has been open to you the entire time, but as your holocaust like frame can attest you’ve never actually been here. Before entering, be sure to equip your Shorts of the Pasty Chicken Legs for a +1 boost to stamina (-5 temporary effect to morale).

The Exercise Room
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Enter the Gym’s workout area. Examine the room to find numerous complicated skill based puzzles. You should also see several other warriors, several maidens and an elderly person (otherwise known as an undead Wraith).

TIP: The Wraith has two attacks. Fear of Aging: Which he’ll inflict using his frighteningly bony body, rotting skin and patchy hair. His second attack, Unexplainable Smell of the Elderly is an area attack, which you can dodge if you’re agility is high enough.

Turn to the right and notice several Maidens on cardio machines. There may also be an ugly, sweat covered dragon here as well. If unprovoked this creature should not attack. With any luck it will collapse from traumatic heart failure on its own. Continue past the cardio challenges. Use the Gym to pad strength not stamina, p*ssy!

Proceed to the warm up area first. The walk to this point so far has probably winded you and put your fragile body in a state of shock, so rest here before proceeding on. You may encounter the Gym Siren. Watching from a distance, do not become mesmerized by her yoga positions and perfect curves. Despite the Lu Lu Lemon pants that barely cover what appears to be an amazing body, the Gym Siren is actually a 49 year old crone and looking at the cracked and horrifying lines on her face will again cause Fear of Aging.

After limbering up head towards the first puzzle, Free Weights. This puzzle gives you a series of movements to perform in repetition. Since you’re as clueless about exercising as you are about the female body your challenge will be to mimic the movements of other warriors. Begin by taking half as much weight as the warrior next to you. The puzzle starts and continues for 30 – 45 minutes. By now, your poor form and noodle cup based body mass should have taken its toll and you’ll be lucky to have avoided dislocating a major limb. This puzzle isn’t fun, but it improves your strength overtime.

Congratulations anyways though, as you’ve completed your first quest in the Gym. Return here 3 – 4 times every week for two years to remove the trait ‘Hey! Fatso or Beanpole.

The Change Room
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Now head to the change room. Enter and you should see a series of lockers, a shower built with the assets used for prison rape cut scenes and a few benches. Pick the locks to find Old Socks, Wrinkled Work Clothes and Elderly Man’s Heart Medication.

If you’re at a local community center watch out for Old Homeless Guy. He spawns at random intervals to shower and parade his disgustingly hairy manhood around the change room, with no regard for self respect. Just stand outside his scripted path to evade combat.

TIP: You can follow him outside when he’s finished and club him to death in a park or alley. This will earn you the trait “Vancouver City Police Officer.”

You’re done. Exit the Gym. You can now return home to eat an entire pizza by yourself without suffering a hit to your morale. This effect wears off after 24 hours and is replaced by Sadness.

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• Tags: guide, gym, weights, workout
  • GymStar

    What you say might make sense if it made any sense, which it doesn’t, so it doesn’t. Don’t make me post pictures of you squealing under the crushing weight of your 90 pound bench press. And that mirror you’ve been flexing in front of and admiring yourself in? Well it isn’t a mirror, it’s me. Stop flexing in front of me you puny ass concentration camp escapee.

  • GymStar

    WTF!? I know who you are you skinny ass Gandhi mother fucker. You strutted into my gym last month wearing your short shorts and shitty ass hipster converse. I swore you’d only last a day, but I’ve been listening to you bitch about how your hemorrhoids flare up when you do squats and how the rotten sandwich festering in your gut is impeding your bench for the last month. Well I got news for you. You’ll never be as huge as I am, or as tanned as I am, and that makes me better than you.

    • admin

      I know you too. You’re that guy who quit going after he realized he would never be able to match my Adonis-like figure and my Jesus on the cross abs.

      Maybe I could give you a couple tips when I’m not busy bragging about how I maxed out the leg machines, or when I’m doing 75 pound front raises to techno music.

      P.S. The only reason I don’t wear my converse anymore is because they caused women to uncontrollably throw themselves at me after being seized by sexual desire, and this was disrupting the 35 minutes I spend at the gym flexing in front of the mirror.