Strategy Guide to Life
Navigating the Club
By Alan - February 8, 2010
The club is a devilishly complex level, filled with challenges that will inevitably turn your good night into a twisted introspective journey that highlights your grotesque body and dull, socially stunted personality.
Beating the Club at your current level is nearly impossible and will probably accentuate the incredible luck you’ll need in order to have any sort of sexual contact with a woman who doesn’t have more Mario-like upper lip hair than you.
Outside the Club
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Outside the club you will see a variety of characters. Level randomization should change the number of NPC’s standing in line, you will need to get in line in order to gain entry to the level’s interior.
One character type will always prevail outside, such as intimidating ethnic youths (aka future manual labor force), buffed-out and greased up teenagers (aka suppressed homosexuals). You’re looking for the non-threatening group of culturally pretentious hipsters. If you don’t see this group try exiting the area and reloading until you arrive at the proper club.
TIP: Equipping your flannel Shirt of Invisibility will help you to blend into this culturally arrogant and totally unaccomplished scene of hipsters.
Once in line you will arrive before your first enemy, the Bouncer. Watch out for his Rays of Judgment. Because your party doesn’t include any women even close to being considered sexually attractive, the Bouncer will reject your entry inside. This is normal, he’s merely fighting to preserve the quality of talent inside the club, knowing your vicious odor and semen stained, poorly fitted clothes will counter the club’s Charm of Retaining Sexy Girls. Bribe him with 20 GP to gain entry.
TIP:If your party has any girls that fall into the disgusting class, such as the Behemoth, try kicking them out of your group and pretending they don’t exist; this should cause him to lift his Velvet Robe of Club Protection, allowing your entry.
Inside the Club
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In one or more areas of the club you should see a Bar. Proceed towards the nearest one and prepare for your first Challenge: Ordering a Drink.
Ordering a Drink: In this game the Bartender will serve people in priority. Your goal is shove your way amongst the throng of other patrons, dodging meatheads and evading eye contact with any girls out of personal insecurity. Earn extra points by knocking into the drinks of other people accidentally, then awkwardly looking around like someone else did it. Once at the bar wave money to gain the bartender’s attention.
TIP: Here you can earn the Perk Desperately Lonely by purchasing a drink for a girl, who will take it and return to her group of friends who’ll then mock and ridicule various features of your body.
After successfully getting a drink you can access the Dance Floor. Here you will be able to compete in the second challenge: the Trials of Rejection. Attempt to dance with any girls who are alone. Do this by thrusting your hips and shaking your body, which you consider dancing but most other people will interpret as a walking seizure, or perhaps that you’re suffering a stroke. It shouldn’t take long before you’re standing alone with the heart crushing realization your character is limited to interacting with people whose attraction level is 5/10 at best. Congratulations, you’ve completed the Trials of Rejection.
Return to your group, who will inevitably be hiding in the corner like a frightened pack of shrews. Exchange bad insults about the ‘fake women’ who rejected you. This should help to boost party moral and prep your group for its next shameful social rejection.
TIP: You suck at picking up girls. Learn to accept it.
Exit the Club as you’ve accomplished as much as you’re capable of here. Return home alone by public transit. Use mental images of girls in the club in place of regular prOn (yay, worksafe!).
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