The Wisdom of Professor Tweed
How to Pickup Women!
By Professor Tweed - February 4, 2010
Night clubs, discotheques, and high school dances can all be referred to with one term: sex buffets. With my guidance you will be filling your plate with all-you-can-eat forced sexual intercourse.
Before venturing out to the nearest feeding grounds, I suggest dressing in your finest tweed and taking twenty or thirty minutes to sit down and watch some of the questionable pornography you have hidden away in your sock drawer. This will keep your mind sharp and focused on your goal.
This outfit is best utilized when hiding in a women's bathroom stall.
Once inside the establishment, scan the crowd. Find the rhythm of the place and let the music flow through you. Walk around slowly, snapping your fingers to the beat of the music and winking at anything that doesn’t have a penis.
If you spot your sex kitten pretending not to notice you and dancing with another man, don’t be shy. Engage contact. Press the issue because all that is on her mind is spreading your seed. Start doing slow, methodical pelvic thrusts while making very firm eye contact to break the ice. If she looks worried or threatened, it is only her nerves anticipating the overwhelming sexual pleasure you can offer.
When her boyfriend turns around, quickly start walking away and pretend you were looking at something on the ceiling. Maybe grab your cell phone, dial a fake number and wander over to the nearest circle of friends. Try to blend in.
Initiate conversation with a young lassie by angrily hanging up your phone and explaining to her that your accountant just called and said your stocks have dropped and that you think that son of a bitch is pocketing some of the insurance money from the fire at one of your many European homes. Talking directly into her cleavage will send a clear message about your intentions and cut directly to the chase. She will also be very impressed with your astute observation of her large breasts.
At this point offer some advice for saving money on prescription medicine. Then give her the number of your neighbor who is a retired pharmacist. If you haven’t sealed the deal by then, offer to come over that night and secure her wireless network, no charge. In the unlikely event you are faced with rejection, merely straighten your fedora that smells like heinous intentions and dive back into the fray.
If you are approached by a bouncer, or adult chaperone and your integrity is under attack, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, like being questioned by a police officer in regards to the schoolyard you are in and why you are wearing nothing but a trench coat with candy in the pockets.
Just keep calm and try to disguise the erection you might have by shoving it as far down your pant leg as possible and walking with a slight hobble. Now mention something about the lack of fire exits available and threaten to shut them down. Flash the police badge that you found on the dead body in the park that you swear on a stack of bibles you know nothing about. Feel free to resume your prowl.
Let the games begin.
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