The Wisdom of Professor Tweed
The Science of Blazers!
By Professor Tweed - February 5, 2010
Allow me to describe the importance of poorly fitted tweed blazers. They are considered a universal status symbol passed down from our ancestors that represent great experience, cunning and ingenuity that will grant you access to the most exclusive social circles in your city.
Fasten your seat-belt. It's going to be a sexy ride.
A respectable blazer can be hard to come by but I find the best places to look for them are either your grandfather’s closet or donation bins for the homeless. You might come across the odd gem if you happen to frequent retirement homes and rummage through old people’s belongings late at night. When you find a potential candidate, really try to get a feel for it. Bring it near your face and close your eyes. Now breathe deeply. Do you smell that? That’s right. Moth balls, flop sweat with traces of dust and sexual frustration.
Try to envision the previous owner. Maybe he was a grade 8 math teacher with a violent drinking problem who strangled dogs for fun. Or maybe he owned a bowling alley and spent his time contemplating suicide after his wife left him and the bank repossessed his house. Whatever the case may be, it is time to write your own legacy and carry the torch of past heroes.
When you put it on for the first time, notice the masterfully stitched elbow patches. The right blazer should have a significant amount of wear on the elbows that will cause any neighborhood hooligans to hesitate as they consider the yellow belt in karate you might have. These elbow patches will generate the confidence you need to escalate yourself to the upper echelons of stature in your community.
I will take this time to emphasize the importance of not wearing deodorant. I know it sounds silly but the tweed needs time to absorb your natural aromas and really bond with the pheromones that will entrance women and solidify your role as alpha male. If you’ve noticed that your presence amongst the public is causing sour expressions and watering eyes, you are doing it correctly.
To get a head start on this process, turn up the heat in your apartment above the Chinese corner store that conveniently sells duct tape and carpet cleaner at all hours of the night. Now sleep in your new tweed blazer every night for a week straight. To add some extra punch, try sleeping inside of an old sleeping bag as well with 3 or 4 thick blankets on top of you.
When wearing prestigious clothing such as this, keep in mind that you are now part of an elite society of people and you may unintentionally intimidate your peers. This is completely normal. Make sure you relentlessly argue dry topics with your colleagues, regardless of whether you have your facts straight. The goal here is to sound smart and confident and make your less intelligent friends feel as though they are being enlightened with profound wisdom.
A respected tweed blazer is more than a simple over coat. It is a treasured artifact, desired by many but worn by few. Not everyone can shoulder the load of responsibility, live up to the great expectations, and be a limitless fountain of divine knowledge to distribute to the people.
Wear it proudly, and welcome to the club.
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