Tweet

Share

The Wisdom of Professor Tweed

By Professor Tweed - February 22, 2010

So you’ve managed to convince a woman from the office, who you’ve been secretly watching from the bushes outside her bedroom window, for a night on the town. Or maybe you took my earlier advice to set up this foolproof sex trap. The problem is that you are a little wet behind the ears when it comes to treating a lady, so this is where Professor Tweed comes in to ensure you hit a home run.

A woman’s libido is like a Rubik’s Cube; you have to gently twist each piece into place but ultimately use a screw driver and a pair of pliers to get the result you want. With some careful plotting and a little luck you will have her eating from your hand and doing the nasty all night long.

Phone before hand and make a small request for her to wear the short black skirt and high heels with the teeth marks you mailed to her earlier in the week which were left over from another date. Make it very clear that she is not to wear any underwear as these will interfere with your shameless wandering hands at the restaurant. Make a point of wearing your finest clothing which will all but guarantee a night of hiding the snake.

During dinner, try to keep small talk to a minimum because you couldn’t care less about what comes from her mouth. Instead, stare at her while eating and envision the dirty deeds to follow later in the evening. Let her know that her boobs look like a lot of fun, regardless if gravity has taken its cruel toll over the years. Give her a quick wink and spend a few minutes admiring them in silence.

Keep a watchful eye on her wine glass and make sure it stays full throughout the night. If she doesn’t seem like a boozer, give her encouraging yet firm directions to drink her wine. When it starts getting low it should not take you longer than a few seconds to fill the glass, in fact this is something you should practice at home with a stopwatch. My personal best time is .898 seconds, but this comes with great experience and it is something you can work your way up to.

Make sure the waiter understands that your impatient, angry snapping when the bottle starts looking low means ‘More wine now or I’ll have your family deported!’ Aim to get at least three bottles down her throat to ensure she is a sloppy mess by the time you decide to go home and butter the muffin.

Alcohol is the grease that allows this sexual machine to work and I can’t stress enough how important her impaired judgment is to your chances of getting your spoon in the pudding. If too little is ingested by your date, you may find yourself faced with cold rejection and left alone on a rainy night in a seedy Asian restaurant, nursing a fresh hand print on your face or some claw marks if the evil bitch went for your eyes instead. Don’t let your disappointment cause any hard feelings, but accept the fact that she is clearly psychotic and do what any normal person would do. Kill her cat and shove it in her mail box with a hateful poem tucked under its collar.

Follow Professor Tweed on Twitter!

You may also hate:

• « Previous post
• Next post »

Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• While you may pride yourself on the patchy nightmare you call a beard, the fact is the rest of the world is horrified by the tangled carpet of pubes on your neck.

  -Mike

• Stay Up To Date

  

• Our Sponsors

  

• Twitter Feed

  • 

Your Input