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10 Reasons Why

Virginity. It’s acceptable if you’re 13, but once you hit 20 you better have a damn good excuse if you don’t want to be treated like a burn victim. Sometimes the solution isn’t so obvious to people so this is where I come in to gently shine some light on a very delicate topic.

10.) You’re a cheap prick

Nothing impresses women quite like the ability to save money in embarrassing ways. Maybe the next time everyone goes out after work for food and drinks, don’t bring along that tuna salad that’s been in your back pack all day. Spend some money on food that won’t humiliate everyone you’re with. Also, grumbling over the expensive appetizers and nearly getting in a fist fight with the waitress about the 15 cents that’s unaccounted for on your bill is not as smooth as you might think. And for the love of Christ, try not to spit on people while eating and giving your loud, obnoxious opinion. No wonder everyone hates you.

9.) You’re clothes should be burned

Semen covered anime shirts that fit as snug as a rain poncho paired with corduroy pants from grade 10 is not a big hit with the ladies. I know, it’s surprising. This is a great opportunity to ask a cute girl to help you shop for clothes and prove to her that you’re not the most pathetic person she knows. Since girls love shopping and transforming gross, shapeless blobs into something borderline presentable to society, she might even say yes. Buy her lunch while you’re at it, don’t be a reason #10.

8.) You’re completely useless

The last time you did something useful is when you locked yourself in your bedroom to finish Final Fantasy XII and everyone thought you were dead. Seriously, go back to school and learn how to do something other than being a stupid toad. There’s nothing more repulsive to women than a guy who can’t swing a hammer and makes less money than their little brother.

7.) You spend more time on video game forums than in the real world

If you are more concerned about your post count than your own hygiene, there may not be hope for you. There is nothing more sad and futile than angry nerds who disagree on everything and post face palm pictures. If you feel satisfied with yourself after angrily correcting peoples grammar or flaming someone for starting a thread in the wrong section then you are leaving behind a pathetic legacy. Do something with your life so that maybe one day your mother can talk about you without crying.

6.) Your friends are losers

One of your buddies smells like sour onions and the other hasn’t moved off his couch in a year. Every time you introduce them to new people they manage to somehow start an argument over comic books or else give an hour long lecture about obscure shit no one cares about. They were fun in high school but it’s time to ditch these cock-blocking embarrassments.

5.) You drive a piece of shit

Your car may be good on fuel and cheap to insure, but it was handed down from Grandma and goes zero to sixty in half an hour. The first thing women will judge you on apart from your hideous face is your ride. Save some money from your shitty job and put it towards something that won’t cause your entire neighborhood embarrassment. And if you don’t drive at all, God help you.

4.) Your neck-beard is disgusting

Some may call it the ‘throatee’ but it doesn’t deserve the respect of having such a clever name. While you may pride yourself on the patchy nightmare you call a beard, the fact is the rest of the world is horrified by the tangled carpet of pubes on your neck. Believe it or not, women generally find greasy neck hair decorated with cheesies and lint a slight turn off; do yourself a favor and shave that horrid thing and give your penis a chance not to get strangled everyday for the rest of its depressing life.

3.) Your social skills suck

The only thing more awkward than your personality is walking in on your parents having sex. Seriously, that uncomfortable joke you made at the Christmas party about putting a cat in a particle collider did not go over so well with the girls who already think you’re a sad freak. Also, when you berated your co-worker until she cried for never having seen Star Wars probably wasn’t a good idea. You will die alone.

2.) You’re creepy and weird

You may not know this, but you’re the guy who women get together and laugh hysterically about. I’m talking the knee slapping laugh until they cry and fall over, gasping for breath. You’re that guy. Maybe don’t pick your nose and wipe it on your shoe or stop asking the same girl out over and over until she moves and changes her phone number. Try wearing deodorant for once and take off that stupid fucking fedora you slack-jawed, mouth-breather.

1.) You’re ugly

Good luck with that.

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Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• Making fun of a guy who has My Little Pony bed sheets is more fun than going to retirement homes and swapping senior citizens’ heart medicine with sugar pills while they’re sleeping.

  -Mike

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