Tweet

Share

Video Games

By Mike - March 24, 2010

If Japan has taught me anything it’s that stereotypes hold true. For example, the Japanese have bad hair and awful taste in music. This is fact. Amongst all their rich culture, crazy vending machines and questionable food that will give you nightmares is something they are also known for: excellent game developers and dedicated fans.

I have just been introduced to the Dragon Quest series, games that have been around longer than the jar of mayonnaise in my fridge which has recently grown hair and teeth. This is a franchise that flies low under the radar for the rest of the world but is a household name in Japan and for good reason.

I always regretted not playing the Dragon Warrior series on NES and it wasn’t until recently that I put the connection together and realized that Dragon Warrior and Dragon Quest are the same games but just named differently in America due to conflicting trademarks. So a franchise that I thought had died some time ago, along with Crystal Pepsi and the hobo I kept locked in a cage, is in fact ruling part of Asia with adorable tyranny.

One of the many toy stores I visited. I need to reevaluate my life.

On my trek across the nerdiest country on the planet I visited a depressing amount of video game and toy stores and in almost every case there was a common theme. Dragon Quest has an ass load of horrible, over-priced merchandise that now decorates my apartment. Japan is obsessed with these games, in fact it’s the highest selling video game franchise in the nation. Each game has sold a minimum of 1 million copies and others have far exceeded that. It offers not only the core games but also spin offs, collectibles, accessories, and anime that I wouldn’t be caught dead watching.

During my travel I spent all my down time hammering away at Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen for the DS and I must say that it is just what the doctor ordered along with antibiotics for the stomach parasites I brought home. Old school dungeon crawling, relentless character leveling sprinkled with awesome weapons and magic, a solid party system all wrapped up neatly in a huge over world. I put in over 40 hours of game play before I finally finished it with a celebratory fist pump.

With merchandise that resembles lumpy blue shit with eyes, how could you possibly say no?

Modern Dragon Quest releases feature an extremely classic style that won’t offer much to the younger generation of gamers other than a history lesson in RPG’s. I make sure I play them in the dark with my blinds closed in case any of the neighborhood kids see me and start to throw pine cones at my window and I’m forced to run out side naked, swinging a snow shovel.

The enemies at first appear friendly and harmless, but in time you’ll learn that they won’t hesitate to rape your dead body until its cold. If you’re not careful you’ll find your entire party either asleep or paralyzed and you’ll have no choice but to watch your crew get bent over by smiling monsters. Believe me when I say it’s about as much fun as dipping your penis in barbecue sauce and sticking it into a colony of fire ants so you had better be prepared in combat.

Dragon Quest is certainly not for everyone, in fact it’s reserved strictly for the loneliest and socially reclusive people on the planet who have no plans of making contact with women anytime soon. For those who grew up on tedious turn based combat and don’t mind cock blocking themselves for the foreseeable future then I would highly recommend dedicating 20-40 hours of your sad life to any of these great games. You have nothing better to do anyways.

You may also hate:

• « Previous post
• Next post »

Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• ...Nintendo offered everything that a gamer could possibly need except for a shower, a girlfriend and a single reason not to jump off a bridge.

  -Mike

• Stay Up To Date

  

• Our Sponsors

  

• Twitter Feed

  • 

Your Input