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Strategy Guide to Life

Throughout your adventure characters will react differently to you depending entirely on how you dress. So equipping the right clothes is very important. Everyone loves a sharp dressed man or a sexy fashionista, right?

Unfortunately, everyone doesn’t love your semen stained transformers t-shirt, your festering brown wool socks and sandals combination or those blanket sized anime button-up shirts you parade your gut around in.

Yes, finding clothes for your troll-like frame will be a tear filled adventure into the florescent world of judgment. It’s time to equip yourself with some new items!

Enter The Mall

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You’ll find a ton of other NPCs just wandering about. Don’t bother trying to engage conversation with them. The majority are soulless lemmings trying to repress their dark memories of failure and abandoned childhood dreams. The rest are insane elderly people who’ll sit in random chairs for hours waiting for the icy fingers of death to clench around their hearts.

Characters with intelligence above 4 can enter the mall alone and begin shopping right away. Characters below intelligence of 4 (teenage girl, agoraphobic nerd) will have to compile a party of other witless, incessantly chattering idiots to accompany them.

Now that you’re in the mall getting the right clothes for your character is a three step process. Luckily, it’s simple once broken down.

1. Find the right store
To determine the right store for you proceed towards a mirror. Examine the mirror to reveal your body type. This will gain the trait Horrifyingly Truthful Self Perception. You should fall into one of two categories; chubby sloth or pathetic string bean. Once done, this will open a series of stores that specialize in clothing tailored to your body type.

Enter the appropriate stores for you. Here you will have to fight off an unrelenting series of teenage salespersons. You can defeat them and collect the items they drop (unused condoms, bent braces and pocket-change) or you can cast Unnatural Odor of Protection, which should protect you from having to engage with any salespersons. And let’s be honest here… odds are you don’t even own deodorant so you’ve got that shit going 24/7.

2. Find the right clothes
Finding the right clothes should be simple. Mimic the same process your mother used to buy you clothing, now cut out the part where you cried uncontrollably.

If you’re skinny then purchase slim fit clothes, which should taper to your body like the nutrient stealing worms that live in your rectum. If you’re fat  get something large enough to properly mask the shamefulness of your form, like a tarp.

TIP: You can pick up a couple perks while shopping.
1.  Accidentally wander about the girl’s section until a clerk awkwardly steers you out for +1 Unintentional Sexual Predator
2.  Stumble into an undressed female manikin, get aroused despite your best attempts not to. +1 to Public Shame

3. Purchase those clothes
After you’ve found the right clothes take them to the nearest merchant and purchase them with the gold you’ve saved up along your adventure.

TIP: If you’re playing through as Winona Ryder, Britney Spears or Carlos Mencia then you can simply steal everything with no consequences, because it’s impossible to further blemish the smear on the anus of humanity that you’ve become.

After all that you should now have some great new clothes! Wear these clothes to the club for a temporary +15 bonus to Confidence. This is replaced with a -25 hit to Happiness after receiving your credit-card bill.

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Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• Look, Captain Crunch is my favorite cereal. If you served me a giant bowl of the stuff I’d be ecstatic. If you then pulled your wiener out and dipped the tip of your dink in one little tiny spot you would ruin the whole bowl for me.

  -Alan

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