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10 Reasons Why

By Mike - April 30, 2010

As much as you may love yourself, you are not as highly regarded amongst your peers as you might think. Not everyone is perfect but I assure you that no one would shed a tear if you were mistaken for a wildebeest and ripped apart by crocodiles. Here’s why:

10.) People are scared to lend you things.

Your best party trick is borrowing everybody’s crap and making it disappear. I haven’t forgotten about the NES game I lent you in grade 5 that you managed to drop in a black hole or the book I reluctantly lent you which you gave to your illiterate cousin because you thought it was his. Anything that does manage to miraculously get back to it’s original owner looks like it has aged significantly and spent the last 28 months at the bottom of a well getting chewed on by rats.

9.) You won’t shut up about your job.

The last thing people want to hear about during time away from their shitty job is a play by play of your shitty job. The next time we hang out and you decide to elaborate some more on your stupid boss who won’t let you take holidays because Dan from HR has seniority and asked for the same time off in July because that’s the only time his wife can take holidays before his kids get back from summer camp, but you think its just an excuse to get back at you for the time you ratted on him for stealing pens from the supply room…bring a loaded gun with you so I can blow my brains out.

8.) You talk during movies.

Everybody in the theater wants to stab the douche in the face who thinks that his baritone, down syndrome voice is going unnoticed by the other 300 people trying to enjoy the movie. No one needs your dim insight on what you think is going to happen next. Stay at home and ruin your own movies you cretin.

7.) You’re a musical terrorist.

Regardless of whose house you are at, it seems to always be your music playing. All your friends have learned to whimper like a beaten dog when they hear the words “I brought my iPod” come from your mouth, and their only defense is to smash any iPod docks or computers in sight with a hammer before you get the chance to hijack them. No matter how many ways you package electronic house music, progressive breakbeat, drum n’ base, new school trance, or hard trance…it’s still just fucking techno to everyone else. I would rather eat a plate of dirt than listen to your playlist so do the world a favor and throw you and your iPod off of a bridge.

6.) You have a foul, foul mouth.

The only thing to compare your caveman vocabulary to is if Tony Montana from Scarface was an inbred sailor with Tourette Syndrome. You can’t tell a story without offending every single person in the room, and you think the only way to make a point is to call someone a ‘cum guzzling vagina’ or threaten to ‘boot fuck them in the cunt’. There’s a reason that you’ve oddly never met any of your girlfriends parents, or that no one has ever let you finish a speech at a wedding.

5.) You hate everything.

The only thing we have in common is our species. Other than that I could find more interesting qualities in a dusty mannequin at a department store. Conversations with you generally feel as interactive as talking to a cold cement wall and usually make people regret asking you why you used to cut yourself and torture small animals as a kid. Enjoy the empty companionship of an inflatable sex doll for the rest of your miserable life because no one likes a cynic.

4.) You like everything.

Every movie that comes out is your favorite and you thought ’2012′ was an edgy, intelligent thriller. The last time you didn’t like something was when your friends took turns beating you over the head for buying ‘Beowulf’ on Bluray. The fact that you think Will Smith adds credibility to any movie makes me projectile vomit worse than Regan from ‘The Exorcist’. Your failure to acknowledge gaping plot holes or criticize horrendous acting has your friends wondering if you’re a semi-retarded robot sent from the future to torture them.

3.) Your iPhone has turned you into an annoying asshole.

Have you ever had someone come ask you for directions and two of your ugly, bumbling friends race to get their iPhones out and see who can get to Google maps the fastest while slinging playful banter back and forth at each other? I have, and it makes me regret not having left them at the SPCA where I found them. If I needed baseball stats preached to me in the bar, or randomly being forced to watch some obscure Youtube video like Alex in ‘A Clockwork Orange’ with his eyes pried open, then I would stay at home and look that garbage up myself. The next time we go camping and you try to educate us with Wikipedia trivia, don’t be surprised when your sleeping bag gets thrown in the fire with you in it.

2.) You’re a sponge.

You have yet to bring your own beer to a party but you’re the first to crack one open. Conveniently when everyone goes out for dinner, you’re the only one with debit while everyone else has cash and you negotiate with someone to pay for you and you’ll ‘get it next time’. The staggering amount of money you owe could be used to pay off the national debt, so the next time you go out with your friends and you forget your wallet, you might find yourself getting dragged out to the desert and beaten to death like Joe Pesci in ‘Casino’.

1.) You’re racist.

Whenever you drink more than two beers, it’s inevitable that you will go on an angry rant about minorities that would make Nathan Bedford Forrest proud. The time at your girlfriends family reunion when you told a joke about the spic, the gook, and the jigaboo who walked into a bar is largely the reason why you’re now single and jerking off into a sock every night.

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