10 Reasons Why
10 Reasons Why Your Apartment Should Be Condemned
By Alan - April 14, 2010
Living in filth is acceptable when you’re rebelling at the age of 15. After moving out however, if you’re trying to bring people back to an apartment that resembles a cross between Bin Laden’s hide out and a rapists paradise, then that explains why people break out in hives after coming near you. Avoid these 10 things and maybe people will visit you as often as they visit their dead relatives’ graves.
10.) Your fridge is Jumanji.
When the food inside your fridge starts growing more food its time to roll the dice and enter the terrifying world your laziness has created. How about instead of spending hours sitting around smelling your farts you take five minutes to throw out the containers of meat that has liquefied. Seriously, there’s nothing quite as disgusting as peering into someone’s fridge and being confronted by the Arkham horror.
9.) Your house is at the corner of Filth and Gross St.
Nothing says sit down and relax yourself quite like a couch reeking of pot, covered in old roaches and slippery with pizza grease. If you want sexual contact that doesn’t involve a house pet and peanut butter then stop living like a caveman you filthy slob.
8.) The Great Wall of fan fiction keeps women out.
Intelligence, humor and worldly knowledge will impress any person. An encyclopedic collection of Star Trek fan fiction will not. Try to throw at least one or two real book amongst that pile of sex repellent. And if there is any unpublished fan fiction you’ve written yourself on display, just pull that bookshelf down on top of your head because life has nothing but painful loneliness in store for you.
7.) Those trashy posters aren’t art.
What drives girls away faster than your pungent B.O.? A trashy poster of some random sexy girl pinned to your wall. No one is impressed by things you didn’t do and never will. While you’re at it, why not throw up a poster of a smarter, richer, better looking guy than yourself. At least that way it will remind everyone you bring home that they can easily hang out with people who aren’t miserable bed-wetting toads.
6.) Your apartment looks like Toys ‘r Us.
A couple of wicked action figures show you’ve got interests outside of cardboard and water. A thousand action figures, toys and stuffed animals show you’ve got the same interests as a 10 year old. Go watch Big. Get it out of your system and grow the fuck up you ugly Baby Huey.
5.) Your kitchen smells like a compost heap.
If your house smells like you’ve got a half eaten corpse stuffed into your hall closest then good luck trying to get a girl to spend the night. When was the last time people actually wanted to eat at your place? Never? Maybe it’s the open bag of rotting garbage left out in the warm sun. Try spending the extra $20 and buy a garbage can so you stop being the creepy apartment your neighbors quietly whisper about.
4.) Your floor is dirtier than a 25¢ peep show.
Take a break from getting fatter for a second, and move your couch a couple inches away from the wall. The term dust bunnies may sound cute, but when they evolve to the point of sentience and operate functional economies based on your fallen skin and toe nail clippings it’s time for some genocide. Bust out that vacuum and enact your own final solution.
3.) You have spiders, rats and mice as roommates.
Small fluffy creatures can be cute. Bony, disease ridden bags of feces that spray trails of piss aren’t. That scratching sound behind the walls is one of two things. A) You’ve fallen into a horrifying HP Lovecraft nightmare, or B) your house is infested. Get rid of these ‘friends’ so you can actually get some real ones.
2.) You have a nerd’s armory.
You know what’s cooler than that Japanese Samurai Sword you have proudly on display? Not spending the rest of your miserable life masturbating alone in the dark. Unless you’re a time traveling Ninja, ditch the ancient weapons. Admit it; you’re not an ancient warrior. You risk having a heart attack every time you ‘battle’ a set of stairs.
1.) You fail to hide your shame.
Being confident with yourself and your sexuality is admirable. Leaving your questionable pornography in massive piles beside a jug of hand cream, with hundreds of used tissues scattered on the floor is disgusting. Stay the hell away from me.
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