The Naked Robber

The internet is a place to argue. In fact, most people on forums spend roughly 90% of that time picking fights on irrelevant topics. They rarely agree on anything. This is especially true for the stuff they’re too scared to do themselves (like admitting to their debilitating chronic masturbation problem). There is however, one argument those ugly virgins will agree upon: =IF(FPS GAME) then (Mouse + Keyboard > Controller).

As John Carmack (Creator of Doom series) put it “The keyboard/mouse interface is definitely still the superior interface for a competitive first-person shooter experience, much better than an analog joypad.”

The controller is great for its ease of use and comfort. However, because it’s aiming is so inaccurate it sometimes feels like half of my battle is spent wiping the dried blood and plaque off the TV, after I scream myself raw.

If I wanted the accuracy of a drunk 84 year old man’s piss stream then I’d be happy with using an analog stick. But, the truth is FPS games on consoles need auto-aim assist just to make them playable because controllers aren’t sensitive enough. Unfortunately, sniping on games like Battlefield or Call of Duty can be more frustrating than talking strangers into taking a ride in my van (that’s just dried tomato juice).

The annoying thing is that in terms of controls we’ve stepped backwards when it comes to consoles. I totally agree that it’s easier to pick up a controller and start playing, but I’d love to have the option of getting a keyboard + mouse combo so I can actually enjoy first person shooters.

The main argument against using mouse + keyboard on consoles is that this combination would give those players an unfair advantage over the regular controllers. Perhaps, but if the internet was built on equality, friendship and fairness then I wouldn’t have to replace the f, c, k and u keys on my keyboard.

Realistically, the fat, pasty, sloth-like creatures that spend their lives glued to the screen already have the edge anyways so this item would simply level the playing field for ‘day walkers’ like me.

And honestly, I don’t mind not being the best at online games because I value the ability to see my penis and toes without the assistance of a complicated system of mirrors.

While there currently are aftermarket products out there that claim to act like a mouse the truth is that they are still restricted to the sensitivity input allowed by the game. Essentially, aside from the feeling they’re no better than playing with an analog stick. It’s the equivalent of calling your flesh light a girlfriend. The bits may be there, but it lacks a certain panache (…and ability to do laundry).

The big hurdle then becomes getting game developers on board. They need to enable proper mouse and keyboard functionality. Luckily, from my experience in the game industry I can say that for almost all FPS games mouse and keyboard controls already exist. And if they don’t then enabling them would take a programmer even less time than he spends washing his filthy neck beard (aka less than 5 minutes per month).

There clearly is a demand in the market for this item. If console manufacturers built mouse + keyboard controller packs the game developers would surely come.

Ultimately, games are a business and businesses are in it to make profit. Enabling true key board and mouse functionality is very inexpensive for developers. As a result, companies could sell us new hardware which would make more money, attract a wider audience to console games and improve the end user experience. The manufacture, publisher, developer and player wins.

It’s time that we start playing with mice. And these mice won’t cause the city to refer to your house as having a “horrific and disgusting infestation that has resulted in the building being condemned.”