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The Wisdom of Professor Tweed

So you’ve become erotically obsessed with a strange woman whom you hardly know and are now on an illicit crusade of passion to win her heart. Women are a beautiful species but occasionally they should be enjoyed from afar before advancing with sexual fury. This may sound like an unfulfilling task, but in time you will learn to savor the small details, and that fondling with your eyes is almost as fun as using your hands. Under my tutelage, you will discover that women are nothing more than selfish, egocentric creatures who crave the constant attention of lurking strangers.

There are a few different things that can be done to express the feelings you have for your new girlfriend. Not only can you follow her home from work late at night, but you can also make unsettling phone calls at two in the morning that consist of nothing more than your own cryptic breathing. If you call from a phone booth across the street from her house then you might see her quickly lock the windows and close her blinds. Accept her challenge because I assure you, her female mind is racing with excitement and she’ll lay in bed, aroused from the sexy riddle you’ve left her. Nothing turns a man on more than a woman who plays hard-to-get.

This would be a great time to leave a thoughtful gift on her doorstep or in her mailbox that she will find in the morning. Ladies love presents and there is no better way to show your interest than tasteful offerings. Maybe some scented massage oil, crotchless panties, or the envelope full of photos you took of her at the park, at the bank, buying toilet paper and coming out the shower. These are some of the things she will cherish the most.

One of the most effective ways to get to know your new lady is to dig through her garbage and embrace her filth. You can learn all sorts of intimate details that any boyfriend should be aware of. You can look at her phone bills and gauge how often she calls her sister in Seattle, rummage through her pharmacy receipts to determine if her yeast infection has cleared up, and you can also get closely in tune with her menstrual cycle. This is all useful information that should be meticulously cataloged in your archives.

There are a handful of items that you should gather in order to ensure that these activities all go smoothly and that your new relationship is an enjoyable one for the both of you.

Binoculars - These will be your best friend when the nearest tree to perch in is out of viewing range from her window. Now you can watch from a safe distance as she cries while watching Grey’s Anatomy and share the emotion with her.

Dark clothing/soft soled shoes – In my experiences, females become oddly uncomfortable when they realize they are being closely followed down the street at night by an unknown man. If dressed in the proper attire, you should be able to remain mostly unnoticed by your mistress. If she does suspiciously turn around, freeze in your tracks and allow the shadows of the night to camouflage you.

Journal – What better way is there to relive the sensation you experienced when you leaned in to smell her hair at the grocery store? With pen and paper you can enjoy your favorite moments over and over while laying in bed late at night.

Stalking women is a simple but delicate process which can only be performed by the most passionate and dedicated individuals. With my guiding hand, you will have her craving your unfamiliar gaze that pierces out from the darkness, and soon she will not be able to live without you.

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