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If Square Enix was a convicted, child molesting uncle then the Mana franchise is the kid who grew up to be a sexually repressed meth head who ends up in a suit case at the bottom of a river.

In 1993, Square Enix released a RPG that turned out to be the must play game of the year, Secret of Mana (Seiken Densetsu 2 in Japan). For years it has been a cherished fan favorite that has been added to countless best game lists. Being a three player co-op experience set it apart from most RPG’s, but unfortunately that feature was rarely taken advantage of since the only person who owned a Multitap was that fat, red-headed kid who smelled like baloney and never got invited to any birthday parties.

Here we are, 17 years later and a half dozen other Mana games have been released since that hardly share anything in common with the game that launched the popularity of the series in the first place. (This isn’t completely true since Seiken Densetsu 3 was the refined successor to Secret of Mana, but it was never released outside of Japan. If it wasn’t for a fan made translation patch for the ROM, it may as well never have existed to the rest of the world.)

What is so hard about replicating a successful formula that generated so much praise? Why did Square Enix effortlessly nail the Final Fantasy series for so long but manage to deliver one steaming embarrassment after another for the Mana series?

Take the horrendous flop ‘Hereos of Mana’ on the DS for example. It’s a tactical strategy game. A fucking tactical strategy game. Who the hell said “Man, I loved Secret of Mana! I hope they make it into a tactical strategy game.” Nobody did. I guarantee there was not a single person on the planet, outside of the developers, who thought that would be a good idea. It was just another terrible decision for a franchise that’s been neglected more than the dog I kick everyday on my way to work.

Or how about ‘Children of Mana’ for the DS in 2005? How many of you envisioned a perfect co-op adventure with your friends straight from the vein of Secret of Mana and awaited anxiously for the upcoming Rabite genocide like a little kid the night before Christmas? So did I. Now after actually playing the game, how many of you felt like you woke up Christmas morning to find that Santa had shit on your bed and given you cancer? You’re not alone, the game was that bad.

During a time when Square Enix has been polishing their classics and shipping them out faster than Kevin Smith’s cyclopean ass getting tossed off airplanes, it boggles the mind to think that Secret of Mana is somehow being forgotten in the excitement. What did this game ever do to be treated with such disdain from it’s makers? It’s sales numbers are right on par with every other best seller they’ve released on the SNES. The re-release of a classic three player adventure should be a no-brainer when good co-op RPG’s are about as uncommon as WoW gamers not having to pay for sex.

Chrono Trigger, of all games, saw a flawless port to the DS with improved dialogue and a few additional sub plots. While I appreciate the gesture from Square Enix that acknowledges the era that made them what they are today and I imagine Europeans were also pleased since it was the first time Chrono Trigger was released in the PAL region, I can’t help but think what a waste of time. Seriously. It was already re-released once before on the Playstation in 1999. Why again? The one game that people are screaming for is Secret of Mana; a three player adventure that is a perfect candidate for a wireless handheld system. Instead they opted to port Chrono Trigger, a good but overrated, single player game that doesn’t benefit at all from what the DS can offer. Realistically it should have been a Playstation Store release along with Final Fantasy VII.

I imagine things aren’t as simple as dumping the code onto a DS cartridge and smashing it with a rock until it works like how I solve most of my problems. The wifi would surely complicate things when trying to integrate it with a 16 year old game, but how many lonely nerds would it take to do that? 3, tops? Square Enix probably has a grab-bag of suicidal programmers staring at a wall that could hammer it out over a weekend. Throw them a bag of corn nuts, put on a pot of coffee and give them a reason to live for once.

Secret of Mana is a fantastic game that shouldn’t be left to die like the hobo I hit with my car last weekend. It’s tragically never received any attention since it’s initial release on the Super Nintendo in 1993 and I firmly believe it would be a huge success on the wireless, handheld DS. If you are one of the many fans of this great game, then make some noise and let’s see if we can pressure Square Enix into liberating a classic.

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Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• In traditional Naked Robber fashion I’m here today to point out the obvious and discuss irrelevant observations about aged games and topics that nobody remembers or cares about.

  -Mike

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