10 Reasons Why
10 Reasons Why You’re The Office Joke
By Alan - May 27, 2010
Every creature in this world has a job to do. This is true for the lowly ant dragging bits of sugar around and also for the middle aged immigrant women who scrapes the dried shit off the bathroom wall at McDonald’s. The work we do might not be fun but it’s what we were born for. So quit bitching about the shitty chairs at the office and take a minute to absorb these 10 reasons why you’re what people laugh about in the break room:
10.) You complain about work constantly
Your description of work begins with a factory that smashes puppies into a liquid drink and ends with the boss raping your grandmother. The reality is that you spend all day sitting at a desk trying to think of clever Facebook updates in the hopes of impressing the girls from high school that wouldn’t touch your dick. Your job isn’t tough. We all know it. So quit acting like you have it harder than a black man born before 1980.
9.)Everyone else at your office is friends
There is always someone at work who people don’t like. Can’t think of a single person who the office doesn’t get along with? Well surprise, surprise, it’s probably you. It could be because you bring a fluffy little rat to work that runs around pissing on the carpet, or it could be because the tuna sandwiches you eat at your desk smell like an old suitcase stuffed with hitchhikers’ feet. Try acting more likable than a stick of turd flavored gum and maybe we’ll invite you out to lunch for once.
8.) You brag about being irreplaceable
Think you’re invaluable to the office? So did the 20 people your boss just fired on a whim because his wife hit menopause and she’s taking her anger out by depriving him access to a vagina. You can always be replaced. And if you’re one of those people who says ‘they can’t replace me because no one else understands how to do my job’ then god help you, because that’s the job where they lay you off and replace your desk with a potted plant.
7.) You’re never friends with the boss
You come in late, leave early and have the personality of a sack of potatoes. The B.O. blasting out from your pits could be used to pressure wash graffiti off of city walls. In fact, you’re lucky that everyone else you know doesn’t hate you. Solve this problem in one of two ways; stop acting like a spoiled brat or go ‘New York Minute’ yourself out of a 20th story window.
6.) Your think you’re better than this
Oh, you have a masters in English? Well how about you go make me a master coffee you intern. Do you know why offices take you on as an unpaid intern? Because slavery is illegal. That’s the only thing separating your useless and inexperienced brain from a world filled with chains and cotton plants. While you’re at it, stop pretending you can tell everyone how to do their job better than they have. While you were learning that it’s fun to play with your swim suit area, these people were doing real work.
5.) You act like the world owes you a raise
If raises were handed out for picking your nose discretely or growing stretch marks on your ass then this might be true. Unfortunately, showing up to work late and then letting the day slowly limp along like a hobo with gout doesn’t qualify you for more pay. So quit acting like what you do is invaluable and get back to work you rotten bag of sadness.
4.) You don’t care about education
It’s true you don’t need formal training to get that sweet gig. Your lack of certified skill is what makes you special. In fact, you are unique because you have a resume identical to every other half-baked retard that the high school system barfed out. The only things you’re really qualified to do are: masturbate alone in the shower and accidentally pee on the seat of the toilet. Go back to school and try to learn something so you’re at least qualified to dig that ditch.
3.) You hate going to work
Ever fantasized about stepping in front of a bus so you could avoid going into work? No? Really? Because we fantasize about a bus hitting you all the time… Well here’s the truth: working sucks. Like a prostitute with obsessive compulsive disorder, it won’t stop sucking until all the fun parts have long since shriveled up. Fortunately you’ve only got about 30 more years until your life ends with you having a heart attack alone in a dingy bathtub clutching an old porn mag and your shattered childhood dreams.
2.) You act like you’re more important than air
Congratulations, you’ve found a job you’re good at. So has every other living organism on the planet. This puts you on par with all the creatures that know their purpose like city workers, politicians and the aids virus.
1.) You don’t even have a job
If you want to stick your dick in something other than a rolled up sock you might want to consider getting at least one skill valuable to society… like putting a gun in your mouth.
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-
Mike
