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Naked Robber Report

From the very first moment you enter the world of Dragon Age Origins it’s clear that you’re in a place rich with history. As you wander the mighty halls and journey deep underground you get a sense of the hundreds of lonely individuals that sacrificed years of sexual adventures to bring you roughly 60 hours of RPG gaming. Yes, this new franchise has been built upon a foundation of expertise, skill and unused condoms. But where did this style of American RPG gaming come from and what brought us to where we are today? Let’s dive into this rich history and take a look at the true origin of Origins:

10000 BC
Long before video games existed, fat bearded virgins ruled the planet’s windowless caves. Deep in these underground caverns they used primitive tools to carve multi-sided ‘dice’ which they created games around. It was here that RPGs first grew to popularity, quickly replacing this generation’s most popular game Rape.

5000 BC
5000 years ago people played dice based games in a long lost city in south eastern Iran. Archeologists suspect that ancient gamers played on Papyrus, sipped a sweet drink created from the nearby mountain’s dew and dreamed of a utopian society where their kind would one day make below minimum wage cabbing people around or cleaning shit stains in local high schools.

0 AD
Jesus Christ rolls a snake eyes. Pontius Pilate rolls a critical hit. Jesus is crucified on the cross.

1967 AD
Ed Greenwood, the man who will soon become King of the Nerds, begins creating a new world. In his ‘Forgotten Realms’, people like him have the power to talk to girls and don’t get bottle raped by the jocks in the school change room.

1975 AD
Greenwood discovers Dungeons and Dragons and adapts his Forgotten Realms world around the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons rules. Dungeons and Dragon’s soars in popularity just as the great ‘Condom Manufacturer Recession’ sets in due to an incredible drop in demand.

1986 AD
TSR Inc, D&D’s publisher, begins looking for a new campaign setting for AD&D. Forgotten Realms is selected partly because of its unique open ended story, detailed history and fully developed world and partly because Ed Greenwood looks the offspring of a wizard and a dwarf so clearly he knows his nerd shit.

1990 AD
Developed by Westwood Studios the first D&D video game RPG is created based on Forgotten Realms. Eye of the Beholder is based off of Greenwood’s own experiences and takes the player deep underground, trolling the sewers of a vast city on an adventure to recover the Inhaler of Life, which he accidentally flushed down the toilet. Hospitals everywhere see a sharp drop in dice related injuries. However, this is followed by a dramatic rise in fractured penises as over aggressive RPGers have extra time to do the only thing they’re good at.

1991 AD
Two more sequels would be made, Eye of the Beholder II – Quest For The girl Who Made Eye Contact With Me On The Bus and Eye of the Beholder III – The Legend Of The Fat Bearded Psychopath.

1992 AD
Stormfront studios creates the first MMORPG, Neverwinter Nights. The game costs up to $8.00 an hour to play making it the most expensive form of birth control ever created.

1998 AD
Baldur’s Gate is released by Bioware, a Canadian Developer. The title releases to critical review, shocking the video game industry and proving Canada has business not related to clubbing baby seals to death.

2000 AD
Black Isle Studios takes a crack at the Forgotten Realms Universe and creates Icewind Dale. The game utilizes a well received real time engine. Just like the player’s unused manhood, the turn based dice-dependent system shrivels up from lack of use. Both fade into history, becoming a whole new Forgotten Realm. The only difference? No girls will ever venture there, and the closest thing to buried treasure is dried semen hidden under 36 years of unkempt pubic hair.

2002 AD
BioWare releases Neverwinter Nights. The D&D world is finally realized in 3D graphics and boasts ‘untouchable’ sound. GamePro states it’s the “…closest that any video game has come to accurately representing … Dungeons & Dragons.” This would be true, if the game had an option to ban women from joining and would only operate if played in their mothers’ basements.

2009 AD
Breaking away from the Forgotten Realms universe, BioWare develops their own unique IP: Dragon Age Origins. They work tirelessly to create totally original ideas. They invent never before heard of creatures like Dwarves, Mages, Elves and Warriors. They then place them in unique situations like exploring dungeons or fighting dragons, completely reinventing the RPG genre.

The history of this RPG franchise runs deep. Far deeper than the tunnels dug by the race of short, hairy, axe wielding down-syndrome people which are so popular in the Forgotten Realms universe.

Dragon Age truly is an addition to the Forgotten Realms universe, as realized by an ungrateful company run by fat sods too cheap to pay royalties to the people who made them rich.

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