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Uneducated Opinion

An 80′s kid like me, who only got a new video game once a year at Christmas, can appreciate the fact that today I can cram every single console game ever developed from 1980 till 1995 onto a storage device smaller than a 30 year old virgins will to live. With the aid of incredible software such as ZSNES, NesterJ, Fusion and many others, we can play any of our childhood favorites without the headache of unreliable electronics, sticky cartridges and a tangled mess of cables that are tempting to hang ourselves with thanks to the great effort of many lonely people who sadly spent their Saturday nights speaking binary while the rest of us were out meeting girls and having sex.

I think it’s safe to say that our generation is the only one that can truly appreciate this. Our parents don’t understand because they grew up with 8-tracks and rotary phones and are still impressed with microwaves and FM radio for Christ’s sake. Most kids these days are born with a DS in hand and take for granted the fact that they can sit comfortably with a laptop, that has more power than the sun, and play retardedly advanced video games, stream amazing HD porn, and make cracked out web cam girls do horrendous things with popsicles all at the same time.

When exactly did it become the future? This is almost better than what ‘Back to the Future 2′ promised us. Do the little bastard kids of today realize that we played our games on rudimentary cartridges and had to fucking blow on them to make them work? Or that our controllers had two buttons, a stubby cord and you had to sit in the same room as your asshole friend, who made the paint peel with his farts, if you wanted to play co-op (or ’2 player’ as we called it then). We had to lift our Mom’s credit card and call a 1-800 number if we needed any sort of game tips or else phone the kid down the street who had a Nintendo Power subscription.

In my day, the amount of Nintendo games in your library usually had a big influence on your social status. Having a Power Glove and a dozen games was enough of a reason for people to call even the fattest, red-headed kid a friend and relieve his parents of the fear that their child is a pathetic loner who will one day snap and drive an unmarked rapist van through a crowded market.

Can you imagine if in the 1980′s you suddenly had access to the resources we have today? At the time I was more than happy to rent some crap NES game like ‘Jackal’ from the local video store for the weekend. If someone from the future of the 21st century came back in time and gave me a hacked PSP packed with 3500 games for every console of the next 10 years, completely equipped with a ton of emulators and for fun, a detailed list of all my classmates who grew up to be dead beats, pedophiles and cross dressing homosexuals — it would be the ultimate show and tell. I would have literally been speechless and just ran in circles, shrieking like a hobo stuffed feet first in a wood chipper, until I collapsed from exhaustion.

Possibly the most impressive aspect of video game emulation is that you can play nearly any arcade game in existence from the comfort of your own home. For the people who practically grew up at the arcade and actually left their house to play games, it is quite the novelty. Don’t you remember how much better arcade games looked in comparison to the home console edition? Better frame rate and higher resolution. Of course everything’s crap now in hind sight, but thanks to the people of MAME, we can play long lost classic arcade games at home without paying a quarter for 20 seconds of game play and being confined to 300 pound cabinets that could only be found in dumpy movie theaters or seedy corner stores where people get shot and raped.

If you have a sliver of ambition and a bit of know-how, you can actually put your pudgy arms to work and build your own home arcade cabinet. Whether you modify an old existing cabinet or build one from scratch, all of the parts are available online to create your own MAME system that will play practically any arcade game you could possibly remember. In the coming months, The Naked Robber will be showing all of you lazy, hateful sloths how to build your own arcade system from scratch. Your friends might even come visit for better reasons other than looking for your shapeless corpse months after choking to death on a chicken bone.

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• I’ve yet to come across a FFG game that hasn’t been as much fun as a post-menoposal nymphomaniac on MDMA.

  -Dean

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