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10 Reasons Why

10 Reasons Why Video Game Music Owns – 90′s Edition

 By The Naked Robber - June 11, 2010

10 reasons why video game music by nakedrobber 10 Reasons Why Video Game Music Owns 90s Edition

Listening to video game music not only labels you as a chronic masturbator with a compulsive eating habit but proves to the world that you live a sad life based off of stupid entertainment for small children. Take a walk down memory lane as The Naked Robber points out the obvious with a list of the best video game music from the 90′s.

10.) Half Life
Released: 1998
Composer: Kelly Bailey

If you’re one of the most popular games in modern history then the odds are you’ve got an equally awesome soundtrack. The music in Half Life was filled with energetic break beats and paced faster than your first disappointing sexual experience. Like Sauvignon Blanc and strong cheddar, this music paired perfectly alongside smashing in a freaky alien’s skull with a crowbar. That’s right, I used a wine and cheese combination as an analogy for Half Life and it’s music. I’m all cultured and shit.

9.) StarCraft
Released: 1998
Composer: Derek Duke, Jason Hayes, Glenn Stafford

I think that the most bad ass sentence my hateful fingers could possibly type is: ‘Wailing sci-fi metal riffs back dropped against a war of clashing galactic superpowers.’ This concisely defines the musical journey you will experience when playing Starcraft and pretending not to care that you haven’t touched a pair of boobs since Pogo Balls were still cool.

8.) Super Mario World
Released: 1990
Composer: Koji Kondo

The first 16-bit entry in the Super Mario franchise exploded with not only improved graphics but killer melodies that will without question get stuck in your head worse than the q-tip that went missing back in high school. Koji Kondo delivers huge with some of the most frolic inducing music that will give even the most miserable, anti social nerds a reason not to stick their head in an oven for one more day.

7.) Mega Man 3
Released: 1990
Composer: Yasuaki Fujita

A true testament to the diversity in sound that you can get out of an 8-bit NES microprocessor. Right from the start screen it set the tone for a futurist world ruled by angry robots sporting homo-erotic names like Hard Man. We were treated to a great selection of surprisingly catchy tunes. In time, these could easily be played on piano by the class nerd who smelled like cheese made from a bucket of rat milk. We enjoyed listening to his rendition of these Mega Man gems almost as much as we enjoyed forcing that chubby loser to eat dog shit on the playground.

6.) Command and Conquer: Red Alert
Released: 1996
Composer: Frank Klepacki

What did I learn from this game? Ethnic cleansing is easy when your German Sheppards can run faster than the fleeing women and children. It’s most popular song was a heavy metal track infused with nationalist zeal from the cold war. The aptly titled Hell March was an integral part of one of the greatest strategy games ever made. Additionally, this game was voted as having the best soundtrack of 1996 by PC Gamer, and when it comes to knowing the exact opposite of what a boob feels like, these guys don’t mess around.

5.) Ultima VII
Released: 1992
Composer: Dana Glover

Other than the five knuckle shuffle and crying into a blanket, one of the crucial staples of many RPG nerds from the early 90′s was playing Ultima VII. One of the most underrated elements of this great game is the music which is as important to it as an all-you-can-eat buffet is to Kevin Smith. From the Fellowship theme to the haunting chapel music in Trinsic, this game has some of the most memorable melodies you could possibly ask for.

4.) The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Released: 1992
Composer: Koji Kondo

A Link to the Past’s launch date was more significant than the time that Jewish guy Jesse got stapled to a couple two by fours in Iraq or whatever. The atmosphere goes from adventurous to eerie thanks largely to the contrast in music between the light world and dark world which parallels to when you get home from a hard days work at the Children’s hospital and punch your wife in the lips for talking during “Dog The Bounty Hunter.”

3.) Final Fantasy IV
Released: 1991
Composer: Nobuo Uematsu

I’m going to try and make this sound as least gay as possible. Final Fantasy IV has one of the most intense stories available in any game with elements of love, betrayal, guilt and war. To go with this are some of the sickest power ballads ever produced. Yes, I used the word love. Don’t judge me you spoony bard, go crawl back in your cave.

2.) Total Annihilation
Released: 1997
Composer: Jeremy Soule

This music is burned deeper into my memory than the time I swore on a stack of bibles, in front of a jury, that I didn’t hit that homeless guy with my car and washed the blood off with a gas station squeegee. The plot revolved around a galaxy destroying clash between humans and the terrifyingly powerful machines they once enslaved. If the music was anything but spectacular I would have been more disappointed than an adopted ginger kid at Christmas. It won Best Music of 1997 from Gamespy and was miles above its competition of unoriginal techno soundtracks created by fat nerds who sucked on sticks of butter like they were popsicles.

1.) Super Metroid
Released: 1994
Composer: Minako Hamano

Super Metroid’s music helped create an atmosphere that was lonelier than the fat chick I refused to dance with and left crying on the bleachers at my grade eight dance. Thanks to this hauntingly dark soundtrack each area of planet Zebes was accompanied by its own unique melody. The deep caverns of Norfair sported a heavy, ominous tone. The lush, storm filled surface had a more adventurous theme and the intro song was creepier than the pile of rolled up crusty socks you keep stuffed behind your computer. Perhaps if your life had a soundtrack this good then regularly crawling into a cold, empty bed might produce slightly less night terrors about being molested by your camp counselor.

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