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10 Reasons Why

All families have their black sheep…unfortunately it’s you and everyone wishes your dad would have accidentally pushed your mom down the stairs during her 8th trimester. Today the Naked Robber takes an in depth look at the 10 obvious reasons why you should have been aborted.

10.) You don’t think too good

Anything beyond simple concepts such as shoveling food into your gaping maw or masturbating in the bathroom at work will usually end up in confusion and blank stares. You are the last person people go to for advice unless its for tips on how to be the dumbest, slack-jawed primate on the planet. With your brain cells struggling more than a hooker with a plastic bag over her head, your reading comprehension level is comparable to a Basset Hounds. Go play in a mine field.

9.) Your feet smell like decomposing bodies

Whenever you take off your shoes, everyone elses sperm count drops from the unholy stench coming from those Lovecraftian nightmares you call socks. If I didn’t know better I would have assumed your full time job was to walk through a compost heap of onions and sour milk 8 hours a day in the hot sun. Invest in some foot powder and wash your feet once in a while you stinky fuck. Burn your shoes while you’re at it, there’s no hope for them.

8.) You’re not trusted with children

Ever since that one spring when you dressed up as the Easter bunny, got escorted off the property in handcuffs and spent the next 8 years in jail, your family hasn’t treated you quite the same. Your nephew is now 15 and still wakes up screaming about the rabbit with a carrot in it’s pocket. The fact that a judge has to tell you not to lure kids into your rapist van with candy and Justin Bieber tickets is reason enough to wish your Mom had practiced the coat hanger execution before your birth.

7.) You failed kindergarten

While everyone else was making macaroni art, you took a shit in your lunch box and chased the girls around the classroom with it. The teacher regularly locked you in the janitors closet until the sedatives she put in your ice cream kicked in everyday for 8 months. That could be the reason why you have difficulty pronouncing anything but vowels.

6.) You haven’t worked a day in your life

No matter what day of the week it is, you always seem to be lounging around in your crusty housecoat collecting money from the government. Your dad speaks of the family dog, who eats its own shit from time to time, in much higher regard than you. The mere thought of waking up before noon and doing anything other than being a lazy prick makes your heart hurt and feels about as foreign as a family of Korean’s at a PETA fund raiser.

5.) You have bad teeth

Your smile reminds people of all the medical horrors in the world that we still haven’t eradicated, like Smallpox or midgets. One look at those jagged, erratic, half decayed pieces of bone jutting from your bloody, unflossed gums can be more blinding than an hour long staring contest with the sun. The only thing your toothy, malformed grin should be used for is scaring birds away from farmers’ crops or as a model for Barraka in the next Mortal Kombat.

4.) You’re disproportionate

Like a black guy in a high school graduation photo, something about you just doesn’t seem right. Maybe its your stumpy arms that are so short a handshake with you would make Jesus question the existence of God. Or maybe its your head that awkwardly balances on your neck like a raisin sitting on a fencepost. Either way, your very presence defies the power of evolution. Do the human species a favor and go wander around the woods until you’re devoured by bears. You’re making Darwin Sad.

3.) You’re always sweating

The amount of rancid fluid dripping from those nightmarish forests of matted hair you call armpits is a mystery that modern science cannot explain. I don’t know if the answer can be linked to those manhole sized pours you have scattered in between the mountains of bacne and acne scars, but either way I don’t want you coming to my house unless you bring a shop-vac in tow. Take off that sopping wet, camping tarp sized t-shirt, wring it out into a bathtub and drown yourself.

2.) You have red hair

Next to elephantitis and down syndrome, one of the most epic genetic failures is being born with red hair. Kids in your class threw rocks at your head and tried to burn you at the stake during recess. You are commonly referred to as a ginger kid, day walker and soulless demon and if you had an ounce of common sense you would seal yourself in a cave so that normal people don’t have to say a quick prayer and cover their childrens eyes when they see you coming.

1.) You run an unsuccessful geek blog

If anybody needs me I’ll be out back, hanging by my neck from a tree.

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