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Video Games

Video games can be more than just a distraction from thoughts about the piano crate you’ll eventually be buried in. They can also help you improve yourself, your office or your family in a number of surprising ways. Take a moment to read this article and you’ll easily be able to justify the pancake sized bedsores on your legs and the cradle that has been suspiciously silent for over a month.

5.) Your Quality of Work
According to a study conducted by the University of Colorado, organizations that use video games to train employees end up with ‘smarter, more motivated workers who learn more, forget less and don’t complain about the hundreds of rats scurrying around the break room.’

Really want to motivate your employees? Replace the water cooler with a combination of absinthe and Redbull before forcing them to play two hours of Manhunt daily. The hallucinations, waking nightmares and constant fear that their boss might beat them to death with a baseball bat, will continue to keep the corporate culture competitive.

As George Lucas himself once said, “Dreams are extremely important. You can’t do it unless you imagine it.’  Then again, he never had the positive motivational experience of being gang raped by psychopaths in the break room because he stopped working for a split-second.

4.) Your lackluster Social Skills
Cheryl Olson, a researcher at Massachusetts General Hospital’s Center for Mental Health and Media in Boston has found that when children play video games they can benefit by building social skills, are able to manage difficult emotions and can potentially improve their self esteem and pride.

So remember how you’re helping to build some child’s self esteem the next time you’re screaming into a microphone and calling them a ‘fuck1n, white trash f4gg0t virgin who everyone fuck1n h4tes.’  After all, nothing builds a kid’s pride like having their in-game character stabbed in the back of the head and then tea bagged as they’re belittled for being both stupid and bad at their favorite game.

Also, kids love hearing about how strangers are gonna ass rape their mothers.

3.) Your chance of going insane
Tired of watching your kid run around the neighborhood tearing the tails off of cats? You might want to tone down the amount of time they spend playing video games. This is true, even if will conflict with your nonchalant parenting style that helps you ignore the fact that the babysitter is a 35 year old convicted pedophile.

A recent study published in Pediatrics indicates that Children who spent more than 2 hours a day playing video games, had a 60% higher chance of developing psychological problems. So you can thank Nintendo’s NES every time you black out and wake up in a pile of shredded bras clutching a fistful of human hair.

2.) Your tendency to be aggressive
Do you ever wonder why your neighbor’s pets seem so happy and friendly, and yours is timid like a shrew and covered in bloody bruises? It’s probably related to the fact that every time someone sticks a grenade to you in Halo you fly into a blind, psychotic rage.

Well, according to new research published online in the Oxford Journal violent video games desensitize people, blunts their emotional responses to aggression and promotes aggressive attitudes and behavior.

Maybe there’s some connection between this research and that time some kid cut in front of you, and you proceeded to bash his head in with the plastic lunch tray until the cafeteria lady was picking his teeth out of the chili. Maybe, but then again you can’t believe all research about violent video games and aggression because some researchers are FAT BALDING IDIOTS! AARRGHHH!!!!

1.) Your Eye Hand Coordination
For years gamers have been able to boast that they have better eye hand coordination and that gives them the potential to be a super soldier. They usually follow this up by deftly picking one of the hundreds of white-heads on their nose and wiping the remains across their hairy gut.

There may actually be some truth to that ‘increased coordination’ rumor. Researchers at York University in Toronto found that extensive video-game experience prepares the brain for complex hand-eye coordination tasks beyond those tackled in game.

They discovered that young men with significant video game-playing experience, had an advantage not only in playing video games but also in performing other complex visuomotor tasks like masturbating quietly under a bed sheet at a friend’s sleepover party.

The next time you lose a game of NHL to your irritating friend who likes to celebrate winning by pelvic thrusting in your face, thank video games that you have the eye hand coordination to stab that Bic pen straight into his urethra.

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