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The Wisdom of Professor Tweed

It doesn’t matter if your head is bald, hollow and misshapen, because nothing says “I’m the smartest person in the room” like wearing a smelly old fedora bought from a hospice yard sale. If you enjoyed my previous article that explained the science of blazers, then let me give you some blinding insight into the world of these magical hats and how they can give you the confidence you need to confront women and grope them in public.

A fedora is nothing more than a storied piece of well constructed felt that adds a welcome exclamation mark to not only your abnormal head, but to your undesirable personality as well. The right fedora should have just enough seasoning so that it gives other people the impression that the words coming from your mouth hold some sort of value, a luxury you may not have had before.

Characteristics that add to a fedora’s charm are numerous but what I like about my hat is that it is crumpled and structurally ravaged to the point that it would have been mistaken for garbage and discarded years ago if I hadn’t come along and liberated it from the head of an old man feeding pigeons at the park. The amount of turmoil your fedora has witnessed has a direct relation to the boost in charisma you will receive.

The right hat should emit a strong smell that will be difficult to identify by the untrained nose. Your first impression will first seem foul and alarming but with a little practice you will realize that it is merely a mixture of hair, sweat, large flakes of skin, fungus and perhaps colonized bacteria so it is really no worse than the STD you brought back from Mexico. In my case there is an overpowering scent of bird droppings that I think is a unique feature. The difficulty of deciphering this unsettling odor indicates the numerous adventures your hat has been on.

The perfect fedora will leap out at you when you see it, but the trick is looking in the right places to find them. Usually the best ones have already been harvested by other people like yourself so sometimes you have to play dirty to score one of these hot items.

The easiest prey are usually the unsuspecting senior citizens on the bus who have fallen asleep. Sit behind one of these old-timers and wait for the geezer’s eyes to fully close so you can make your move. Count to ten and in one smooth, fluent action grab that old has-been’s hat and flip it onto your own head.

Grab his newspaper while you’re at it so that when he wakes up in a startled, confused state you can look preoccupied reading the sports section. If he mentions anything about you wearing his hat, just roll the newspaper up and hold it like a weapon and tell him to go back to sleep before you put him six feet under. Get off at the next stop.

The prestige you will now be granted is hard to describe, but believe me when I say that women will be practically begging you to phone them late at night so they can listen to you lay in bed and play with yourself. Take advantage of this new and exciting time in your life by acting better than everyone around you and they will in return want to hear more of your long-winded stories that go on forever and don’t seem to have a point.

You will find that your fedora is the most important part of your wardrobe and will compete for attention with your tweed blazer. This deadly combination will add an exciting dimension to your once dismal image.

Until next time, keep it under your hat.

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Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• The term dust bunnies may sound cute, but when they evolve to the point of sentience and operate functional economies based on your fallen skin and toe nail clippings it’s time for some genocide.

  -Alan

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