10 Reasons Why

10 Reasons Why Video Game Music Owns – 80′s Edition

By The Naked Robber - January 18, 2011

The Naked Robber is back and with a list of the best video game tunes from the decade that helped deform you into the unemployed hermit you are today. I suggest listening to these with headphones on so that the people around you don’t think you are an overgrown child who refuses to grow up and act like a big boy.

10.) Blades of Steel
Released: 1987

The best thing about this classic is that after almost a quarter century it’s remained the best hockey video game ever developed regardless of the fact it’s nearly as old as the colony of petrified snot on the underside of your desk. The music has an inspirational tone that could also be used to motivate your average gamer to drop a hundred pounds, wear deodorant and venture into the sunlight in the hopes of meeting a girl and not dieing a scared virgin.

9.) 1943: The Battle of Midway
Released: 1987

The Japanese are good at lots of things, like having terribly repressed sex lives and groping underage girls on the subway. Unfortunately, they’re not so good at winning wars. So, what better way to show this to the world than by creating a video game that demonstrates how miserably bad they were in WW2. Sit back and enjoy music as grandiose as the NES’s 8-bit sound can produce. Then take to the skies and shoot down the men who valiantly sacrificed their lives so Japanese teens everywhere could one day marry cartoon drawings printed on pillows.

8.) California Games
Released: 1987

This game was great at helping obese nerds of the 1980′s pretend they were sponsored athletes who could take their shirts off without hiding in the bathroom. Whether you were playing BMX, foot Bag or half Pipe there was some catchy beats to accompany each event except for my personal favorite ‘long distance cartridge tossing’ when you couldn’t figure out how in the name of christ to get any points in surfing.

7.) RC PRO AM
Released: 1988

As a kid, the only race you were pro at is one that involved a tube of moisturizer and your parents being home in 5 minutes. Only in the 80′s could you walk into a board room and announce you’re going to make a video game about racing RC cars, or a movie about a child who magically looks older and then is raped by his coworker at a toy company.

6.) Jackal
Released: 1986

Jackal’s soundtrack was the perfect backdrop to bombing around in a Jeep, running over bad guys and littering the ground with grenades like McDonald’s wrappers on the highway. This music sounds great while off roading in the desert gunning down women and children, it might lose its charm when reality sinks in and you’re trying to look cool in your 1994 Cavalier, looking for women with standards as low as yours.

5.) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out
Released: 1987

The best part about Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is that you can act prejudice towards weird foreigners and perform violent hate crimes without the hassle of cutting holes in your bed sheets and carrying around kerosene and rope. Punch Out delivered not only excellent gameplay for its time but awesome music you can listen to while you aspire towards becoming a champ like Mike Tyson and using your incredible strength to rape women and eat Lennox Lewis’ children.

4.) Contra
Released: 1987

There are two types of gamers in the world. Those who liked Contra and those who cried about it until they shit their pants in grade six. It’s safe to say you are probably the latter which means your opinion has no value when asked about the sound track to gunning down Red Falcon. The music of Contra has an intense theme synchronized perfectly to the slaughter of aliens and the intense rage that builds up inside you when you think about your ex-wife who left you for a real man who doesn’t need to use the Konami code to beat the game.

3.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Released: 1989

This game was released in the NES’s hay day, back when video games based off cartoons were awesome and AIDS hadn’t yet been invented by the government. Supported by a wacky collection of songs, TMNT combined everything you loved and hated about the NES era; funky style, cool characters and level design that was so frustrating it caused male pattern baldness in 8 year olds.

2.) Bubble Bobble
Released: 1986

Every time you hear this classic melody you fondly think of bubbles, little baby dinosaurs and the time you were horrified to discover Boy George was actually a boy and you ripped all his posters off your wall. Very few jingles are as catchy and memorable as Bubble Bobble and it’s one of the few games you and your make-believe girlfriend can actually agree on.

1.) Ninja Gaiden
Released: 1988

Widely regarded as having one of the best soundtracks in the 80′s gaming era, the music of Ninja Gaiden was inspiring, with a soft melodramatic introduction that led into hypnotic rhythms. Unfortunately, everything after the title screen was more difficult than trying to get your 30 year old virgin friend laid. If you find yourself nursing a bruised fist while trying to talk your wife into unlocking the bathroom door, you might want to look back at the psychological damage this games difficulty did to you.

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