Tweet

Share

Uneducated Opinion

By Mike - April 28, 2011

When the Nintendo Wii was first launched in 2006, we were promised the future of gaming that would get deathly out of shape gamers up off their asses and burning off those Funyuns and Dr. Pepper they’ve been consuming seven meals a day since birth. The sales numbers are astounding for sure but now that five years have passed, Nintendo has sold us little more than a small white brick we use to prop doors open and crush cockroaches in our apartments.

Nintendo is famous for thinking outside the box to corner niche markets and increase sales. Over the years the Nintendo engineers have been doing bong hits and coming up with new, zany concepts to package up and get under Christmas trees. They have been selling us hope and shitty electronics over and over in a seemingly endless cycle. From the Power Glove to Virtual Boy, from the Super Scope to the Wii.

Nintendo’s insistence on being quirky and different has set them further and further apart from their competitors to a point that they are now constantly behind in quality and trend. Sure the Wii has motion control, but where the fuck is the HD? Their first non-cartridge system came late to the party in 2001 with the Game Cube, which instead used cute little mini discs to draw attention away from the fact it took six years to figure out cartridges are obsolete, and it was still hardly better than the Dreamcast.

Have you ever jacked off with one of these? Be honest..

The near 30 year history of Nintendo is a sad yet funny story, like the time you backed over the neighbor’s cat in front of his kids. Maybe not from a financial perspective, but certainly from a gamer’s outlook. Back when the Super Nintendo and Gameboy ruled the world, Nintendo offered everything that a gamer could possibly need except for a shower, a girlfriend and a single reason not to jump off a bridge.

Other than my hand-held DS Lite, the last actual Nintendo console I purchased was a Nintendo 64. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it at the time, it was the fucking business with games like Ocarina of Time, Turok and Goldeneye. Don’t forget that the cartridges cost close to 90 bucks which on a high schooler’s budget was like trading a testicle for a new game. The game selection was as sparse as black people at a library and if I could do it over again, I would get a Playstation. Hindsight is a bitch, but the 64 sucked compared to its Sony counterpart.

Is Nintendo actually considered stiff competition for Sony and Microsoft? How many true gamers (20-35 year olds praying for sex) exclusively use a Wii as their primary console of choice? It’s hard to say but my bet is few. Do people who know better stand at the store indecisively holding a Wii and a Playstation3, like at the strippers when you can’t decide if you want the blond or the brunette to rub your dick in the back room? Not likely. Any Wii owners reading this were probably caught up in the hoopla before the launch but now play it as seldom as they wear deodorant.

While today more homes have a Nintendo console than ever before, the demographic of people who own them has changed dramatically. Nintendo hasn’t so much broadened their market as they have shifted it around to a more expansive audience. I was going to say this nicely but Naked Robber style is funnier: Wii owners are either old, retarded, preadolescent, easily amused, handicapped, indifferent or multiple combinations of these things.

The people who grew up with Nintendo have matured and moved on to better things, kind of like how I stopped celebrating my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese and now instead get drunk alone and cry into a pillow. Sony and Microsoft stepped up to the plate and developed the modern age of console gaming as we know it and has left Nintendo alone sponge bathing senior citizens and changing diapers at children’s hospitals around the world. Let’s face the facts, these days a Nintendo is something you buy your parents for Christmas but wouldn’t be caught dead owning yourself. My, how the times have changed.

Look at the latest gizmos such as Kinect and Move.Who the hell even cares about that garbage now that the hype is over? Sure they are kind of interesting, but so are downtown hookers who will do anything for a nickel. That doesn’t mean I would take one home when my wife is working late on Saturday. Kinect and Move were developed as neat little add-ons for real consoles to pressure Nintendo’s market and push them further out of the game.

Don’t get me wrong, I grew up a Nintendo fanboy and still consider the SNES a legendary console, but really when was the last time you lost your shit in excitement over their products? Zelda: Ocarina of Time would honestly be my most recent memory, but that series is starting to feel tired. Word on the street is that we should expect yet another Nintendo gaming unit that will change everything in 2012, but how many people are going to buy one this time? Well, likely hundreds of millions, but once again I won’t be one of them. I’m not falling for that bullshit anymore.

You may also hate:

• « Previous post
• Next post »

Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• The term dust bunnies may sound cute, but when they evolve to the point of sentience and operate functional economies based on your fallen skin and toe nail clippings it’s time for some genocide.

  -Alan

• Stay Up To Date

  

• Our Sponsors

  

• Twitter Feed

  • 

Your Input