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4.) X-Wing vs TIE Fighter (1997)

X-wing vs TIE Fighter was one of the first space simulators to add a seriously competitive online component. I remember dogfighting with my friends almost as vividly as I remember touching my first boob. All this competition thrown into the universe of Star Wars was almost too good to be true. Finding this game was like finding a stripper who overdoses on blow while you’re in the champagne room; it was an opportunity just sitting there waiting to be played with. There is a reason why many gamers are still clamoring for a sequel to this game.

3.) Freespace 2 (1999)

Everything about this game was pure amazing. Giant capital ships firing lasers big enough to break each other like matchsticks. Fighter craft operating on stealthy patrols in hostile nebulae. If you were a sci-fi geek, chances are good that this game gave you a boner you could use to break bricks. It helped that the story was even more exciting than watching a crack head get hit by a car. To top it all off this game had a persistent galaxy where you could hop online, join up with other squads and fight epic wars over territories.

2.) EVE Online (2003)

With a functioning economy and massive space battles it’s no wonder EVE Online has more than 300,000 players, five percent of whom claim to be women but are probably just fat perverts sitting around in their wives’ underwear.  Personally, if I wanted to waste money getting addicted to something I’d choose the thing that helps me pick up emotionally unstable girls. But as far as I can tell most of the women who play MMO games make a trip to the zoo whenever they need to weigh themselves so I’d rather stick with good ‘ol fashioned blow. However, I will admit that EVE Online has become one of the most recognizable space sims of all time. It’s just unfortunate that I’m not a hopeless, agoraphobic virgin because these days it feels like the only types of space simulator games being released are MMO games.

1.) X-Wing (1993)

I have no memory of discovering how fun it was to touch myself in my swim suit area. I do however, remember the first time I sat down and played X-Wing. Considering how many hours a day I spend enjoying the former it says a hell of a lot about how good this game was. X-Wing let us all become ace pilots fighting for the Rebellion against the evil Empire. It was so good it helped you forget the fact that back in reality you were a sad, acne covered nerd who only ever rebelled against showering daily and wearing deodorant.

Bring ‘em back

Each one of these games has a special place in my heart (tucked in between the parasites and cholesterol). If you’re a gamer who didn’t play at least two of these games then your childhood was only slightly better than those Ethiopian kids on TV covered in flies. Unfortunately, you probably grew up into the type of person that gets excited about a set of car tires and bores everyone at parties talking about work projects. In this scenario, you really should take a moment to play some of these old games just to get an idea of how fantastically fun the space simulator genre can be.

So here’s hoping that someone brings a new sci-fi adventure to console. If any one of these games get remade I’ll gladly climb down from the ledge outside my office, put the hunting rifle back in its case and go buy a copy. Please, remake one of these games so I have something to do at work besides sticking pins into my finger to remind me I’m alive.

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Ignorant Geek Wisdom

• Did losing to the final boss in Contra 3 fill me with so much rage that I wanted to lift my neighbors cat above my head and rip it in two as I screamed obscenities? Of course it did! But I sat down until I beat that mother fucker.

  -Alan

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