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Video Games

By Mike - September 20, 2011

Long before Call of Duty, Bluetooth headsets, and teaching ten year olds your favorite racial slurs over Xbox Live, there was a time when gaming was far more dignified and much simpler than it is today. Starting in the late 1970s, gamers used to gather in public, sometimes even in daylight, and hone their skills on the arcade machines available to them, one quarter at a time. An arcade acted as a social club for kids who climbed the ladder of respect by playing classic games and leaving behind a tasteful three letter handle such as AAA, CNT, ASS, FAG, GAY, TIT, or DIE accompanied by their highest score possible of which others could take notice. This was the original leaderboard. While times have changed, your fond memories of pissing away your allowance certainly have not. Let’s take a look back at the TOP 10 ARCADE GAMES OF ALL TIME.

10.) NBA Hangtime (Midway, 1996)

Midway had a real knack for turning bland basketball games into hilarious, over the top dunk fests. While the original NBA Jam was excellent, NBA Hangtime turned up the heat and allowed for custom characters you could create, level up and play at anytime. Awesome two-on-two action like this hadn’t felt so good since the time you and your buddy cleaned that pool for those sun bathing old ladies alone at a luxurious mansion in Beverly Hills and… oh wait, that was just a movie you jacked off to last weekend in your bachelor suite. Plus, you don’t have any friends so stick to Minecraft and My Little Pony and keep your fucked up granny smut away from one of my favorite games.

9.) Metal Slug 3 (SNK, 2000)

SNK’s flagship platformer, Metal Slug, is still alive to this day but none have been greater than Metal Slug 3. This game had the best of everything in the series. The best art, best action, best story, and best boss fights. Blowing stuff up and foiling military plans with a buddy as you high-fived to a symphony of explosions is a great way to build a sense of camaraderie. This game came at a steep price as you died every 15 seconds, so most kids had to empty out their piggy banks before playing this brutal classic at the arcade, a precursor for some of a life of poor investment decisions that usually ends with divorce and attempted suicide. That was a bit of a downer, I apologize.

8.) The Outfoxies (Namco, 1994)

One of the best arcade games that you’ve probably never heard of is The Outfoxies, a two-player game that pits you against your enemy like two provoked dogs under the care of Michael Vick in a style reminiscent of the original Smash Bros. The environments are super fun and fully destructible which you can climb on and take cover behind while planning your next strike. With a bizarre cast of characters to choose from, including a chimp, twin sisters, and a dude in a wheelchair (sounds like a movie you keep in your sock drawer), the object of the game is to kill your enemy using an arsenal of guns and explosives. Ridiculous fun.

7.) The Simpson’s Arcade Game (Konami, 1991)

In the early 1990′s, The Simpson’s had their name stamped on every piece of cheap manufactured crap to be shipped out of Asia, and us kids ate it up like a dog scarfing down it’s own vomit. The Simpson’s Arcade Game by Konami was definitely no exception as it was one of the biggest draws at the local arcade that allowed up to four players to assume the roles of Bart, Homer, Marge or Lisa and smash their way through legions of turncoat Springfield citizens on a path to Mr. Burns. The Simpson’s were so popular at the time that you could put Bart’s face on a box of used dildos and they would fly off the shelves.

6.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Turtles in Time (Konami, 1991)

Much like Matt Groening and The Simpson’s, Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird whored out their franchise like a five dollar hooker giving two-for-one deals at a sex addicts retreat in Las Vegas. Once again Konami delivered huge with the best of the best in the beat-em-up category. Four-player action starring Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello in an adventure through time against all your favorite TMNT bad guys with top shelf 2D graphics makes this game an arcade legend. The 3D remake for XBL and PSN is good, but nothing compares to playing the original on an arcade cabinet.

5.) Mortal Kombat II (Midway, 1993)

No game had greasy white nerds lined up around the block to take shots at ripping their friends’ heads off like Mortal Kombat II did. This was another arcade classic delivered by Midway and the second installment in the Mortal Kombat franchise, but this time with additional characters, like Reptile and Baraka, which added to an already popular cast. With spruced up graphics, tighter controls and more mindless violence than the original, Mortal Kombat II was the game to play if you wanted to “finish” your grandpa by giving him another stroke.

4.) Donkey Kong (Nintendo, 1981)

1981 wasn’t a great year for most things. The cars were hideous, the fashion was an awkward post-disco nightmare, and the girls had more pubic hair than a lumberjack’s ass crack. One thing that was definitely awesome was hanging out at the local arcade in your knee high socks and Adidas shorts and playing Donkey Kong, one of the most iconic names in the history of video games. Donkey Kong was Nintendo’s first noteworthy video game, the very first appearance of Mario and thirty years later is still an extremely profitable franchise. Like many early 1980s arcade games, Donkey Kong required true skill and if it has taught us anything, it’s that Billy Mitchell should be tied up by his hair and dragged behind a car on the highway. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then make sure to watch the documentary “The King of Kong” because it’s bloody fantastic.

3.) Street Fighter II (Capcom, 1991)

The original Street Fighter was just awful and embarrassing, much like the last time a woman allowed you to stick your crooked penis inside of her at a family reunion. At the opposite end of the spectrum, Street Fighter II: The World Warrior was a monumental success and absolutely owned the arcade market in 1991. The gameplay at the time was innovative and fresh and every guy on the planet wanted to try it. When it came out, it was an intimidating machine at the arcade that had a bad ass reputation and to do this day Street Fighter II is considered a masterpiece that many dedicated fans consider the best of the series.

2.) Pac-Man (Namco, 1980)

Mastering Pac-Man is harder than trying to sneak out a bean burrito fart under the covers before your wife falls asleep, and it requires a lot of practice to merely become decent at. After three decades it has remained a top favorite arcade game of many bald dinosaurs who remember it fondly, and the chomping yellow circle has grown into a legendary icon capable of symbolizing the entire video game subculture. It wasn’t my favorite game but it’s significance is undeniable.

1.) Lover Boy (G.T. Enterprise, 1983)

I’m sure you’ve never played it, never heard of it and probably couldn’t even stomach it. Lover Boy may sound innocent but it’s premise is so diabolically fascinating that it has earned top ranking on our list. The game starts out as a seemingly decent Pac-Man clone, but instead of eating dots and running away from ghosts, you play as a belligerent naked man wearing only a purple hat who wildly chases down women while avoiding the police and their dogs. When you succeed in catching your prey, the game changes into a graphic x-rated challenge of plowing the poor girl senseless in hilarious positions, all in glorious 8-bit. Generally the term ‘rape’ refers to a selfish act of sexually pleasing yourself with complete disregard for your victim’s needs, but in Lover Boy you must time your thrusts during the assault in a courteous manner to allow her to climax before you. Yes I know, how thoughtful. If you fail in doing so and blow your load too soon (I suggest thinking about baseball), she will then escape and you have to repeat the process all over again. The level is complete when each woman has been caught, fucked, experienced orgasm and possibly even been impregnated. I don’t throw the word ‘epic’ around too much, but believe me, Lover Boy is epic and, surprisingly enough, a gentleman.

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