Video Games
Toy Soldiers Cold War is a great Xbox LIVE Arcade Game
By Alan - October 12, 2011
In the past, when I was told about an Xbox LIVE arcade game I wouldn’t even bother to take a brief break from writing the next chapter in my book titled The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Racist People. However, a month back I picked up a game called Toy Soldiers: Cold War and was happier than Kevin Smith after he discovered the grease dumpster behind his local McDonald’s.
It was created by Signal Studios, a little development studio based in Seattle, Washington. Their only other titles so far are the first Toy Soldiers and another game that is in development and unannounced. So with a studio so small that a new release could practically fall through the holes Professor Tweed pokes in his condoms, what could we possibly expect? A rocking co-op arcade game that is so fun my facial muscles almost needed to relearn how to make a smile.
This game includes everything that Xbox LIVE Arcade gamers have been wanting. It boasts a campaign around 5 – 6 hours long, it has a myriad of mini games, there is intense online competition, you can team up with online co-op and there are a series of increasing difficulty levels. But let’s be honest and admit that the number one thing gamers want is for their moms to ignore the moaning sounds and suspicious amount of conditioner they use in the shower every morning.
Spend some time shooting at something besides your rancid Fleshlight
Most arcade games look bad. Almost as if their textures were made by a dog that was given a rail of speed after having a spray paint can shoved into its ass. But Toy Soldiers: Cold War is actually beautiful in its simplistic fashion. Great artistic direction, great toy designs and an interesting variety of levels. From sandy deserts to big cities to Russia in the winter, you get a great mix of terrain. The last time I saw this much diversity was when I was protesting that multicultural parade.
For a brief moment I was a warrior, a killer, a real man... but then I spilled chocolate milk on my teddy bear and got yelled at by my mom
Toy Soldiers: Cold War was so fun I almost forgot that my entire being is fueled by unfocused hatred towards everyone within a 10 foot radius of me. Ultimately this game taught me something: Xbox LIVE arcade games sometimes don’t suck. So if you want to know how to make a great Xbox LIVE arcade game then go play Toy Soldiers: Cold War and bring a notepad with you that isn’t covered in doodles of circular boobs.
1200 gamer points? For that kind of money I could finally blend in at an all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet!
The last few Xbox LIVE games I’ve purchased were disappointing. When the average price of these games is around $15-20 I expect to get a few hours of enjoyment. For that amount you could pick up a ton of great used games, a few cheap new games or enough Listerine to make my signature cocktail, the Hobopolitan. But for 1200 points I got an arcade game that let me enjoy the time I spend hiding in my bedroom. This game reminds me why I love ‘check-your-brain-at-the-door games’. Start your game, blow the shit out of some toys and relax into a world of hilarious nonsense.
Now that we’ve solved the complicated problem of making a great Xbox LIVE Arcade game, we should get our top scientists to focus on something truly important, like sterilizing people who don’t flush the toilet in public washrooms.
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