Stories of people being found dead at work, or being left to rot are becoming frighteningly common. With all the chaos and uncertainty in the world we sometimes have to stop and think about how we will be remembered after we’re gone. Do you want your corpse to be worthy of a heart-wrenching burial, and not just burned out back with the rest of the household garbage? Then you better put the game controller down and pay attention to our latest 10 Reasons Why:

10.) You were always broke
When the spare change in your wallet becomes your only bank account, you might need to work a little harder. The worst thing you can do is die, and then leave the bill for the last few people who still bother talking to you. No one wants to attend a funeral that has a cover charge.

9.) No one really loved you
The last time the family wanted you at a Christmas dinner the term radical was as fresh as your Popin’ & Lockin’ dance moves. By the time your corpse is casually rolled into a ditch, your parents will long be gone. But honestly, even your parents sighed a big relief when you finally moved out and stopped masturbating in the shower (yes, they knew what you did in there. And no, the bathroom fan didn’t hide that fact).

8. You we’re just plain boring
Remember those insane stories you told that made us all laugh and cry at the same time. Oh wait, that wasn’t you. That was cable TV. The only creature dumb enough to listen to your boring stories was the family dog. But let’s face it, the dog only stuck around because you fenced in the yard like some sort of canine concentration camp. Believe me, if the dog knew what Zyklon B was it would have spent most of its days frantically pawing at the shower faucet.

7.) Your job sucked
Your career entailed doing something that required less brain power than huffing glue. In fact, you would have been replaced by technology years ago if HR remembered you still worked there. But don’t worry, the minute you’re found dead in front of a monitor you’ll be replaced with one of literally 6 billion other people whose dreams were crushed after high-school.

6.)  People thought you were already dead
Honestly, everyone just assumed you died a long time ago. And it didn’t really phase them at that time either. Probably because you hid in your fart soaked room while everyone else was living life. The last contact you had with reality was when the delivery guy dropped off your meal of mutant chicken and phlegm. And he even just assumed you were going to choke to death on one of the pubic hairs he hid in your food.

5.) You looked nondescript and bland
There are beautiful people who seem to flow through life on a river of charm and happiness. And then there was you; drunkenly meandering through the backstreets of life on a stolen BMX bike of shame. Even if someone glued $100 bills to your coat and taped a police siren to your head you still would have been invisible in a crowd of 5 people.

4.) You were too opinionated
When confronted with an issue you didn’t just stand idly by. You rolled up your sleeves, buckled down and had a shrieking tantrum about it. You seemed to have a problem with everything that wasn’t directly attached to your own misinformed opinions. After a lifetime of being treated like Chris Brown at a battered woman’s shelter you should have learned enough about human body language to know when to hang yourself with a belt.

3.)  You had creepy hobbies
Everyone has hobbies. Some people’s involve playing team sports, or poker, or video games. Other people’s involve wearing furry costumes and getting gang banged by a team of cartoon dog’s high on Viagra and poppers. Hey, everyone has different tastes. But in the genetic soup of humanity, your hobbies make you the equivalent of a dried cat turd being tossed into a half decent spaghetti sauce.

2.) You didn’t do anything special
Getting a job that pays the national average, watching your wife get fat and punishing your liver with 60 years of the cheapest canned beer isn’t newspaper worthy. Let’s face it, while other people were out revolutionizing our world you were sucking down Cheetos and trying to decide if you should lick your fingers even though you didn’t wash your hands after taking a dump.

1.) You wasted your life on the internet
Bad news, the thousands of hours you poured into making an internet blog wasn’t the best choice when it came to creating a lasting legacy, especially because you were less successful than burnt hair flavored Gelato. Enjoy the sewer your family will dump your body down.

The Naked Robber is back and with a list of the best video game tunes from the decade that helped deform you into the unemployed hermit you are today. I suggest listening to these with headphones on so that the people around you don’t think you are an overgrown child who refuses to grow up and act like a big boy.

10.) Blades of Steel
Released: 1987

The best thing about this classic is that after almost a quarter century it’s remained the best hockey video game ever developed regardless of the fact it’s nearly as old as the colony of petrified snot on the underside of your desk. The music has an inspirational tone that could also be used to motivate your average gamer to drop a hundred pounds, wear deodorant and venture into the sunlight in the hopes of meeting a girl and not dieing a scared virgin.

9.) 1943: The Battle of Midway
Released: 1987

The Japanese are good at lots of things, like having terribly repressed sex lives and groping underage girls on the subway. Unfortunately, they’re not so good at winning wars. So, what better way to show this to the world than by creating a video game that demonstrates how miserably bad they were in WW2. Sit back and enjoy music as grandiose as the NES’s 8-bit sound can produce. Then take to the skies and shoot down the men who valiantly sacrificed their lives so Japanese teens everywhere could one day marry cartoon drawings printed on pillows.

8.) California Games
Released: 1987

This game was great at helping obese nerds of the 1980′s pretend they were sponsored athletes who could take their shirts off without hiding in the bathroom. Whether you were playing BMX, foot Bag or half Pipe there was some catchy beats to accompany each event except for my personal favorite ‘long distance cartridge tossing’ when you couldn’t figure out how in the name of christ to get any points in surfing.

7.) RC PRO AM
Released: 1988

As a kid, the only race you were pro at is one that involved a tube of moisturizer and your parents being home in 5 minutes. Only in the 80′s could you walk into a board room and announce you’re going to make a video game about racing RC cars, or a movie about a child who magically looks older and then is raped by his coworker at a toy company.

6.) Jackal
Released: 1986

Jackal’s soundtrack was the perfect backdrop to bombing around in a Jeep, running over bad guys and littering the ground with grenades like McDonald’s wrappers on the highway. This music sounds great while off roading in the desert gunning down women and children, it might lose its charm when reality sinks in and you’re trying to look cool in your 1994 Cavalier, looking for women with standards as low as yours.

5.) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out
Released: 1987

The best part about Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is that you can act prejudice towards weird foreigners and perform violent hate crimes without the hassle of cutting holes in your bed sheets and carrying around kerosene and rope. Punch Out delivered not only excellent gameplay for its time but awesome music you can listen to while you aspire towards becoming a champ like Mike Tyson and using your incredible strength to rape women and eat Lennox Lewis’ children.

4.) Contra
Released: 1987

There are two types of gamers in the world. Those who liked Contra and those who cried about it until they shit their pants in grade six. It’s safe to say you are probably the latter which means your opinion has no value when asked about the sound track to gunning down Red Falcon. The music of Contra has an intense theme synchronized perfectly to the slaughter of aliens and the intense rage that builds up inside you when you think about your ex-wife who left you for a real man who doesn’t need to use the Konami code to beat the game.

3.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Released: 1989

This game was released in the NES’s hay day, back when video games based off cartoons were awesome and AIDS hadn’t yet been invented by the government. Supported by a wacky collection of songs, TMNT combined everything you loved and hated about the NES era; funky style, cool characters and level design that was so frustrating it caused male pattern baldness in 8 year olds.

2.) Bubble Bobble
Released: 1986

Every time you hear this classic melody you fondly think of bubbles, little baby dinosaurs and the time you were horrified to discover Boy George was actually a boy and you ripped all his posters off your wall. Very few jingles are as catchy and memorable as Bubble Bobble and it’s one of the few games you and your make-believe girlfriend can actually agree on.

1.) Ninja Gaiden
Released: 1988

Widely regarded as having one of the best soundtracks in the 80′s gaming era, the music of Ninja Gaiden was inspiring, with a soft melodramatic introduction that led into hypnotic rhythms. Unfortunately, everything after the title screen was more difficult than trying to get your 30 year old virgin friend laid. If you find yourself nursing a bruised fist while trying to talk your wife into unlocking the bathroom door, you might want to look back at the psychological damage this games difficulty did to you.

All families have their black sheep…unfortunately it’s you and everyone wishes your dad would have accidentally pushed your mom down the stairs during her 8th trimester. Today the Naked Robber takes an in depth look at the 10 obvious reasons why you should have been aborted.

10.) You don’t think too good.

Anything beyond simple concepts such as shoveling food into your gaping maw or masturbating in the bathroom at work will usually end up in confusion and blank stares. You are the last person people go to for advice unless its for tips on how to be the dumbest, slack-jawed primate on the planet. With your brain cells struggling more than a hooker with a plastic bag over her head, your reading comprehension level is comparable to a Basset Hounds. Go play in a mine field.

9.) Your feet smell like decomposing bodies.

Whenever you take off your shoes, everyone elses sperm count drops from the unholy stench coming from those Lovecraftian nightmares you call socks. If I didn’t know better I would have assumed your full time job was to walk through a compost heap of onions and sour milk 8 hours a day in the hot sun. Invest in some foot powder and wash your feet once in a while you stinky fuck. Burn your shoes while you’re at it, there’s no hope for them.

8.) You’re not trusted with children.

Ever since that one spring when you dressed up as the Easter bunny, got escorted off the property in handcuffs and spent the next 8 years in jail, your family hasn’t treated you quite the same. Your nephew is now 15 and still wakes up screaming about the rabbit with a carrot in it’s pocket. The fact that a judge has to tell you not to lure kids into your rapist van with candy and Justin Bieber tickets is reason enough to wish your Mom had practiced the coat hanger execution before your birth.

7.) You failed kindergarten.

While everyone else was making macaroni art, you took a shit in your lunch box and chased the girls around the classroom with it. The teacher regularly locked you in the janitors closet until the sedatives she put in your ice cream kicked in everyday for 8 months. That could be the reason why you have difficulty pronouncing anything but vowels.

6.) You haven’t worked a day in your life.

No matter what day of the week it is, you always seem to be lounging around in your crusty housecoat collecting money from the government. Your dad speaks of the family dog, who eats its own shit from time to time, in much higher regard than you. The mere thought of waking up before noon and doing anything other than being a lazy prick makes your heart hurt and feels about as foreign as a family of Korean’s at a PETA fund raiser.

5.) You have bad teeth.

Your smile reminds people of all the medical horrors in the world that we still haven’t eradicated, like Smallpox or midgets. One look at those jagged, erratic, half decayed pieces of bone jutting from your bloody, unflossed gums can be more blinding than an hour long staring contest with the sun. The only thing your toothy, malformed grin should be used for is scaring birds away from farmers’ crops or as a model for Barraka in the next Mortal Kombat.

4.) You’re disproportionate.

Like a black guy in a high school graduation photo, something about you just doesn’t seem right. Maybe its your stumpy arms that are so short a handshake with you would make Jesus question the existence of God. Or maybe its your head that awkwardly balances on your neck like a raisin sitting on a fencepost. Either way, your very presence defies the power of evolution. Do the human species a favor and go wander around the woods until you’re devoured by bears. You’re making Darwin Sad.

3.) You’re always sweating.

The amount of rancid fluid dripping from those nightmarish forests of matted hair you call armpits is a mystery that modern science cannot explain. I don’t know if the answer can be linked to those manhole sized pours you have scattered in between the mountains of bacne and acne scars, but either way I don’t want you coming to my house unless you bring a shop-vac in tow. Take off that sopping wet, camping tarp sized t-shirt, wring it out into a bathtub and drown yourself.

2.) You have red hair.

Next to elephantitis and down syndrome, one of the most epic genetic failures is being born with red hair. Kids in your class threw rocks at your head and tried to burn you at the stake during recess. You are commonly referred to as a ginger kid, day walker and soulless demon and if you had an ounce of common sense you would seal yourself in a cave so that normal people don’t have to say a quick prayer and cover their childrens eyes when they see you coming.

1.) You run an unsuccessful geek blog.

If anybody needs me I’ll be out back, hanging by my neck from a tree.

Listening to video game music not only labels you as a chronic masturbator with a compulsive eating habit but proves to the world that you live a sad life based off of stupid entertainment for small children. Take a walk down memory lane as The Naked Robber points out the obvious with a list of the best video game music from the 90′s.

10.) Half Life
Released: 1998
Composer: Kelly Bailey

If you’re one of the most popular games in modern history then the odds are you’ve got an equally awesome soundtrack. The music in Half Life was filled with energetic break beats and paced faster than your first disappointing sexual experience. Like Sauvignon Blanc and strong cheddar, this music paired perfectly alongside smashing in a freaky alien’s skull with a crowbar. That’s right, I used a wine and cheese combination as an analogy for Half Life and it’s music. I’m all cultured and shit.

9.) StarCraft
Released: 1998
Composer: Derek Duke, Jason Hayes, Glenn Stafford

I think that the most bad ass sentence my hateful fingers could possibly type is: ‘Wailing sci-fi metal riffs back dropped against a war of clashing galactic superpowers.’ This concisely defines the musical journey you will experience when playing Starcraft and pretending not to care that you haven’t touched a pair of boobs since Pogo Balls were still cool.

8.) Super Mario World
Released: 1990
Composer: Koji Kondo

The first 16-bit entry in the Super Mario franchise exploded with not only improved graphics but killer melodies that will without question get stuck in your head worse than the q-tip that went missing back in high school. Koji Kondo delivers huge with some of the most frolic inducing music that will give even the most miserable, anti social nerds a reason not to stick their head in an oven for one more day.

7.) Mega Man 3
Released: 1990
Composer: Yasuaki Fujita

A true testament to the diversity in sound that you can get out of an 8-bit NES microprocessor. Right from the start screen it set the tone for a futurist world ruled by angry robots sporting homo-erotic names like Hard Man. We were treated to a great selection of surprisingly catchy tunes. In time, these could easily be played on piano by the class nerd who smelled like cheese made from a bucket of rat milk. We enjoyed listening to his rendition of these Mega Man gems almost as much as we enjoyed forcing that chubby loser to eat dog shit on the playground.

6.) Command and Conquer: Red Alert
Released: 1996
Composer: Frank Klepacki

What did I learn from this game? Ethnic cleansing is easy when your German Sheppards can run faster than the fleeing women and children. It’s most popular song was a heavy metal track infused with nationalist zeal from the cold war. The aptly titled Hell March was an integral part of one of the greatest strategy games ever made. Additionally, this game was voted as having the best soundtrack of 1996 by PC Gamer, and when it comes to knowing the exact opposite of what a boob feels like, these guys don’t mess around.

5.) Ultima VII
Released: 1992
Composer: Dana Glover

Other than the five knuckle shuffle and crying into a blanket, one of the crucial staples of many RPG nerds from the early 90′s was playing Ultima VII. One of the most underrated elements of this great game is the music which is as important to it as an all-you-can-eat buffet is to Kevin Smith. From the Fellowship theme to the haunting chapel music in Trinsic, this game has some of the most memorable melodies you could possibly ask for.

4.) The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Released: 1992
Composer: Koji Kondo

A Link to the Past’s launch date was more significant than the time that Jewish guy Jesse got stapled to a couple two by fours in Iraq or whatever. The atmosphere goes from adventurous to eerie thanks largely to the contrast in music between the light world and dark world which parallels to when you get home from a hard days work at the Children’s hospital and punch your wife in the lips for talking during “Dog The Bounty Hunter.”

3.) Final Fantasy IV
Released: 1991
Composer: Nobuo Uematsu

I’m going to try and make this sound as least gay as possible. Final Fantasy IV has one of the most intense stories available in any game with elements of love, betrayal, guilt and war. To go with this are some of the sickest power ballads ever produced. Yes, I used the word love. Don’t judge me you spoony bard, go crawl back in your cave.

2.) Total Annihilation
Released: 1997
Composer: Jeremy Soule

This music is burned deeper into my memory than the time I swore on a stack of bibles, in front of a jury, that I didn’t hit that homeless guy with my car and washed the blood off with a gas station squeegee. The plot revolved around a galaxy destroying clash between humans and the terrifyingly powerful machines they once enslaved. If the music was anything but spectacular I would have been more disappointed than an adopted ginger kid at Christmas. It won Best Music of 1997 from Gamespy and was miles above its competition of unoriginal techno soundtracks created by fat nerds who sucked on sticks of butter like they were popsicles.

1.) Super Metroid
Released: 1994
Composer: Minako Hamano

Super Metroid’s music helped create an atmosphere that was lonelier than the fat chick I refused to dance with and left crying on the bleachers at my grade eight dance. Thanks to this hauntingly dark soundtrack each area of planet Zebes was accompanied by its own unique melody. The deep caverns of Norfair sported a heavy, ominous tone. The lush, storm filled surface had a more adventurous theme and the intro song was creepier than the pile of rolled up crusty socks you keep stuffed behind your computer. Perhaps if your life had a soundtrack this good then regularly crawling into a cold, empty bed might produce slightly less night terrors about being molested by your camp counselor.

Every creature in this world has a job to do. This is true for the lowly ant dragging bits of sugar around and also for the middle aged immigrant women who scrapes the dried shit off the bathroom wall at McDonald’s. The work we do might not be fun but it’s what we were born for. So quit bitching about the shitty chairs at the office and take a minute to absorb these 10 reasons why you’re what people laugh about in the break room:

10.) You complain about work constantly
Your description of work begins with a factory that smashes puppies into a liquid drink and ends with the boss raping your grandmother. The reality is that you spend all day sitting at a desk trying to think of clever Facebook updates in the hopes of impressing the girls from high school that wouldn’t touch your dick. Your job isn’t tough. We all know it. So quit acting like you have it harder than a black man born before 1980.

9.)Everyone else at your office is friends
There is always someone at work who people don’t like. Can’t think of a single person who the office doesn’t get along with? Well surprise, surprise, it’s probably you. It could be because you bring a fluffy little rat to work that runs around pissing on the carpet, or it could be because the tuna sandwiches you eat at your desk smell like an old suitcase stuffed with hitchhikers’ feet. Try acting more likable than a stick of turd flavored gum and maybe we’ll invite you out to lunch for once.

8.) You brag about being irreplaceable
Think you’re invaluable to the office? So did the 20 people your boss just fired on a whim because his wife hit menopause and she’s taking her anger out by depriving him access to a vagina. You can always be replaced. And if you’re one of those people who says ‘they can’t replace me because no one else understands how to do my job’ then god help you, because that’s the job where they lay you off and replace your desk with a potted plant.

7.) You’re never friends with the boss
You come in late, leave early and have the personality of a sack of potatoes. The B.O. blasting out from your pits could be used to pressure wash graffiti off of city walls. In fact, you’re lucky that everyone else you know doesn’t hate you. Solve this problem in one of two ways; stop acting like a spoiled brat or go ‘New York Minute’ yourself out of a 20th story window.

6.) Your think you’re better than this
Oh, you have a masters in English? Well how about you go make me a master coffee you intern. Do you know why offices take you on as an unpaid intern? Because slavery is illegal. That’s the only thing separating your useless and inexperienced brain from a world filled with chains and cotton plants. While you’re at it, stop pretending you can tell everyone how to do their job better than they have. While you were learning that it’s fun to play with your swim suit area, these people were doing real work.

5.) You act like the world owes you a raise
If raises were handed out for picking your nose discretely or growing stretch marks on your ass then this might be true. Unfortunately, showing up to work late and then letting the day slowly limp along like a hobo with gout doesn’t qualify you for more pay. So quit acting like what you do is invaluable and get back to work you rotten bag of sadness.

4.) You don’t care about education
It’s true you don’t need formal training to get that sweet gig. Your lack of certified skill is what makes you special. In fact, you are unique because you have a resume identical to every other half-baked retard that the high school system barfed out. The only things you’re really qualified to do are: masturbate alone in the shower and accidentally pee on the seat of the toilet. Go back to school and try to learn something so you’re at least qualified to dig that ditch.

3.) You hate going to work
Ever fantasized about stepping in front of a bus so you could avoid going into work? No? Really? Because we fantasize about a bus hitting you all the time… Well here’s the truth: working sucks. Like a prostitute with obsessive compulsive disorder, it won’t stop sucking until all the fun parts have long since shriveled up. Fortunately you’ve only got about 30 more years until your life ends with you having a heart attack alone in a dingy bathtub clutching an old porn mag and your shattered childhood dreams.

2.) You act like you’re more important than air
Congratulations, you’ve found a job you’re good at. So has every other living organism on the planet. This puts you on par with all the creatures that know their purpose like city workers, politicians and the aids virus.

1.) You don’t even have a job
If you want to stick your dick in something other than a rolled up sock you might want to consider getting at least one skill valuable to society… like putting a gun in your mouth.

As much as you may love yourself, you are not as highly regarded amongst your peers as you might think. Not everyone is perfect but I assure you that no one would shed a tear if you were mistaken for a wildebeest and ripped apart by crocodiles. Here’s why:

10.) People are scared to lend you things.

Your best party trick is borrowing everybody’s crap and making it disappear. I haven’t forgotten about the NES game I lent you in grade 5 that you managed to drop in a black hole or the book I reluctantly lent you which you gave to your illiterate cousin because you thought it was his. Anything that does manage to miraculously get back to it’s original owner looks like it has aged significantly and spent the last 28 months at the bottom of a well getting chewed on by rats.

9.) You won’t shut up about your job.

The last thing people want to hear about during time away from their shitty job is a play by play of your shitty job. The next time we hang out and you decide to elaborate some more on your stupid boss who won’t let you take holidays because Dan from HR has seniority and asked for the same time off in July because that’s the only time his wife can take holidays before his kids get back from summer camp, but you think its just an excuse to get back at you for the time you ratted on him for stealing pens from the supply room…bring a loaded gun with you so I can blow my brains out.

8.) You talk during movies.

Everybody in the theater wants to stab the douche in the face who thinks that his baritone, down syndrome voice is going unnoticed by the other 300 people trying to enjoy the movie. No one needs your dim insight on what you think is going to happen next. Stay at home and ruin your own movies you cretin.

7.) You’re a musical terrorist.

Regardless of whose house you are at, it seems to always be your music playing. All your friends have learned to whimper like a beaten dog when they hear the words “I brought my iPod” come from your mouth, and their only defense is to smash any iPod docks or computers in sight with a hammer before you get the chance to hijack them. No matter how many ways you package electronic house music, progressive breakbeat, drum n’ base, new school trance, or hard trance…it’s still just fucking techno to everyone else. I would rather eat a plate of dirt than listen to your playlist so do the world a favor and throw you and your iPod off of a bridge.

6.) You have a foul, foul mouth.

The only thing to compare your caveman vocabulary to is if Tony Montana from Scarface was an inbred sailor with Tourette Syndrome. You can’t tell a story without offending every single person in the room, and you think the only way to make a point is to call someone a ‘cum guzzling vagina’ or threaten to ‘boot fuck them in the cunt’. There’s a reason that you’ve oddly never met any of your girlfriends parents, or that no one has ever let you finish a speech at a wedding.

5.) You hate everything.

The only thing we have in common is our species. Other than that I could find more interesting qualities in a dusty mannequin at a department store. Conversations with you generally feel as interactive as talking to a cold cement wall and usually make people regret asking you why you used to cut yourself and torture small animals as a kid. Enjoy the empty companionship of an inflatable sex doll for the rest of your miserable life because no one likes a cynic.

4.) You like everything.

Every movie that comes out is your favorite and you thought ’2012′ was an edgy, intelligent thriller. The last time you didn’t like something was when your friends took turns beating you over the head for buying ‘Beowulf’ on Bluray. The fact that you think Will Smith adds credibility to any movie makes me projectile vomit worse than Regan from ‘The Exorcist’. Your failure to acknowledge gaping plot holes or criticize horrendous acting has your friends wondering if you’re a semi-retarded robot sent from the future to torture them.

3.) Your iPhone has turned you into an annoying asshole.

Have you ever had someone come ask you for directions and two of your ugly, bumbling friends race to get their iPhones out and see who can get to Google maps the fastest while slinging playful banter back and forth at each other? I have, and it makes me regret not having left them at the SPCA where I found them. If I needed baseball stats preached to me in the bar, or randomly being forced to watch some obscure Youtube video like Alex in ‘A Clockwork Orange’ with his eyes pried open, then I would stay at home and look that garbage up myself. The next time we go camping and you try to educate us with Wikipedia trivia, don’t be surprised when your sleeping bag gets thrown in the fire with you in it.

2.) You’re a sponge.

You have yet to bring your own beer to a party but you’re the first to crack one open. Conveniently when everyone goes out for dinner, you’re the only one with debit while everyone else has cash and you negotiate with someone to pay for you and you’ll ‘get it next time’. The staggering amount of money you owe could be used to pay off the national debt, so the next time you go out with your friends and you forget your wallet, you might find yourself getting dragged out to the desert and beaten to death like Joe Pesci in ‘Casino’.

1.) You’re racist.

Whenever you drink more than two beers, it’s inevitable that you will go on an angry rant about minorities that would make Nathan Bedford Forrest proud. The time at your girlfriends family reunion when you told a joke about the spic, the gook, and the jigaboo who walked into a bar is largely the reason why you’re now single and jerking off into a sock every night.

Living in filth is acceptable when you’re rebelling at the age of 15. After moving out however, if you’re trying to bring people back to an apartment that resembles a cross between Bin Laden’s hide out and a rapists paradise, then that explains why people break out in hives after coming near you. Avoid these 10 things and maybe people will visit you as often as they visit their dead relatives’ graves.

10.) Your fridge is Jumanji.
When the food inside your fridge starts growing more food its time to roll the dice and enter the terrifying world your laziness has created. How about instead of spending hours sitting around smelling your farts you take five minutes to throw out the containers of meat that has liquefied. Seriously, there’s nothing quite as disgusting as peering into someone’s fridge and being confronted by the Arkham horror.

9.) Your house is at the corner of Filth and Gross St.
Nothing says sit down and relax yourself quite like a couch reeking of pot, covered in old roaches and slippery with pizza grease. If you want sexual contact that doesn’t involve a house pet and peanut butter then stop living like a caveman you filthy slob.

8.) The Great Wall of fan fiction keeps women out.
Intelligence, humor and worldly knowledge will impress any person. An encyclopedic collection of Star Trek fan fiction will not. Try to throw at least one or two real book amongst that pile of sex repellent. And if there is any unpublished fan fiction you’ve written yourself on display, just pull that bookshelf down on top of your head because life has nothing but painful loneliness in store for you.

7.) Those trashy posters aren’t art.
What drives girls away faster than your pungent B.O.? A trashy poster of some random sexy girl pinned to your wall. No one is impressed by things you didn’t do and never will. While you’re at it, why not throw up a poster of a smarter, richer, better looking guy than yourself. At least that way it will remind everyone you bring home that they can easily hang out with people who aren’t miserable bed-wetting toads.

6.) Your apartment looks like Toys ‘r Us.
A couple of wicked action figures show you’ve got interests outside of cardboard and water. A thousand action figures, toys and stuffed animals show you’ve got the same interests as a 10 year old. Go watch Big. Get it out of your system and grow the fuck up you ugly Baby Huey.

5.) Your kitchen smells like a compost heap.
If your house smells like you’ve got a half eaten corpse stuffed into your hall closest then good luck trying to get a girl to spend the night. When was the last time people actually wanted to eat at your place? Never? Maybe it’s the open bag of rotting garbage left out in the warm sun. Try spending the extra $20 and buy a garbage can so you stop being the creepy apartment your neighbors quietly whisper about.

4.) Your floor is dirtier than a 25¢ peep show.
Take a break from getting fatter for a second, and move your couch a couple inches away from the wall. The term dust bunnies may sound cute, but when they evolve to the point of sentience and operate functional economies based on your fallen skin and toe nail clippings it’s time for some genocide. Bust out that vacuum and enact your own final solution.

3.) You have spiders, rats and mice as roommates.
Small fluffy creatures can be cute. Bony, disease ridden bags of feces that spray trails of piss aren’t. That scratching sound behind the walls is one of two things. A) You’ve fallen into a horrifying HP Lovecraft nightmare, or B) your house is infested. Get rid of these ‘friends’ so you can actually get some real ones.

2.) You have a nerd’s armory.
You know what’s cooler than that Japanese Samurai Sword you have proudly on display? Not spending the rest of your miserable life masturbating alone in the dark. Unless you’re a time traveling Ninja, ditch the ancient weapons. Admit it; you’re not an ancient warrior. You risk having a heart attack every time you ‘battle’ a set of stairs.

1.) You fail to hide your shame.
Being confident with yourself and your sexuality is admirable. Leaving your questionable pornography in massive piles beside a jug of hand cream, with hundreds of used tissues scattered on the floor is disgusting. Stay the hell away from me.

Virginity. It’s acceptable if you’re 13, but once you hit 20 you better have a damn good excuse if you don’t want to be treated like a burn victim. Sometimes the solution isn’t so obvious to people so this is where I come in to gently shine some light on a very delicate topic.

10.) You’re a cheap prick.

Nothing impresses women quite like the ability to save money in embarrassing ways. Maybe the next time everyone goes out after work for food and drinks, don’t bring along that tuna salad that’s been in your back pack all day. Spend some money on food that won’t humiliate everyone you’re with. Also, grumbling over the expensive appetizers and nearly getting in a fist fight with the waitress about the 15 cents that’s unaccounted for on your bill is not as smooth as you might think. And for the love of Christ, try not to spit on people while eating and giving your loud, obnoxious opinion. No wonder everyone hates you.

9.) You’re clothes should be burned.

Semen covered anime shirts that fit as snug as a rain poncho paired with corduroy pants from grade 10 is not a big hit with the ladies. I know, it’s surprising. This is a great opportunity to ask a cute girl to help you shop for clothes and prove to her that you’re not the most pathetic person she knows. Since girls love shopping and transforming gross, shapeless blobs into something borderline presentable to society, she might even say yes. Buy her lunch while you’re at it, don’t be a reason #10.

8.) You’re completely useless.

The last time you did something useful is when you locked yourself in your bedroom to finish Final Fantasy XII and everyone thought you were dead. Seriously, go back to school and learn how to do something other than being a stupid toad. There’s nothing more repulsive to women than a guy who can’t swing a hammer and makes less money than their little brother.

7.) You spend more time on video game forums than in the real world.

If you are more concerned about your post count than your own hygiene, there may not be hope for you. There is nothing more sad and futile than angry nerds who disagree on everything and post face palm pictures. If you feel satisfied with yourself after angrily correcting peoples grammar or flaming someone for starting a thread in the wrong section then you are leaving behind a pathetic legacy. Do something with your life so that maybe one day your mother can talk about you without crying.

6.) Your friends are losers.

One of your buddies smells like sour onions and the other hasn’t moved off his couch in a year. Every time you introduce them to new people they manage to somehow start an argument over comic books or else give an hour long lecture about obscure shit no one cares about. They were fun in high school but it’s time to ditch these cock-blocking embarrassments.

5.) You drive a piece of shit.

Your car may be good on fuel and cheap to insure, but it was handed down from Grandma and goes zero to sixty in half an hour. The first thing women will judge you on apart from your hideous face is your ride. Save some money from your shitty job and put it towards something that won’t cause your entire neighborhood embarrassment. And if you don’t drive at all, God help you.

4.) Your neck-beard is disgusting.

Some may call it the ‘throatee’ but it doesn’t deserve the respect of having such a clever name. While you may pride yourself on the patchy nightmare you call a beard, the fact is the rest of the world is horrified by the tangled carpet of pubes on your neck. Believe it or not, women generally find greasy neck hair decorated with cheesies and lint a slight turn off; do yourself a favor and shave that horrid thing and give your penis a chance not to get strangled everyday for the rest of its depressing life.

3.) Your social skills suck.

The only thing more awkward than your personality is walking in on your parents having sex. Seriously, that uncomfortable joke you made at the Christmas party about putting a cat in a particle collider did not go over so well with the girls who already think you’re a sad freak. Also, when you berated your co-worker until she cried for never having seen Star Wars probably wasn’t a good idea. You will die alone.

2.) You’re creepy and weird.

You may not know this, but you’re the guy who women get together and laugh hysterically about. I’m talking the knee slapping laugh until they cry and fall over, gasping for breath. You’re that guy. Maybe don’t pick your nose and wipe it on your shoe or stop asking the same girl out over and over until she moves and changes her phone number. Try wearing deodorant for once and take off that stupid fucking fedora you slack-jawed, mouth-breather.

1.) You’re ugly.

Good luck with that.