In the past, when I was told about an Xbox LIVE arcade game I wouldn’t even bother to take a brief break from writing the next chapter in my book titled The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Racist People. However, a month back I picked up a game called Toy Soldiers: Cold War and was happier than Kevin Smith after he discovered the grease dumpster behind his local McDonald’s.

It was created by Signal Studios, a little development studio based in Seattle, Washington. Their only other titles so far are the first Toy Soldiers and another game that is in development and unannounced. So with a studio so small that a new release could practically fall through the holes Professor Tweed pokes in his condoms, what could we possibly expect? A rocking co-op arcade game that is so fun my facial muscles almost needed to relearn how to make a smile.

This game includes everything that Xbox LIVE Arcade gamers have been wanting. It boasts a campaign around 5 – 6 hours long, it has a myriad of mini games, there is intense online competition, you can team up with online co-op and there are a series of increasing difficulty levels. But let’s be honest and admit that the number one thing gamers want is for their moms to ignore the moaning sounds and suspicious amount of conditioner they use in the shower every morning.

Spend some time shooting at something besides your rancid Fleshlight

Most arcade games look bad. Almost as if  their textures were made by a dog that was given a rail of speed after having a spray paint can shoved into its ass. But Toy Soldiers: Cold War is actually beautiful in its simplistic fashion. Great artistic direction, great toy designs and an interesting variety of levels. From sandy deserts to big cities to Russia in the winter, you get a great mix of terrain. The last time I saw this much diversity was when I was protesting that multicultural parade.

For a brief moment I was a warrior, a killer, a real man... but then I spilled chocolate milk on my teddy bear and got yelled at by my mom

Toy Soldiers: Cold War was so fun I almost forgot that my entire being is fueled by unfocused hatred towards everyone within a 10 foot radius of me. Ultimately this game taught me something: Xbox LIVE arcade games sometimes don’t suck. So if you want to know how to make a great Xbox LIVE arcade game then go play Toy Soldiers: Cold War and bring a notepad with you that isn’t covered in doodles of circular boobs.

1200 gamer points? For that kind of money I could finally blend in at an all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet!

The last few Xbox LIVE games I’ve purchased were disappointing. When the average price of these games is around $15-20 I expect to get a few hours of enjoyment. For that amount you could pick up a ton of great used games, a few cheap new games or enough Listerine to make my signature cocktail, the Hobopolitan. But for 1200 points I got an arcade game that let me enjoy the time I spend hiding in my bedroom. This game reminds me why I love ‘check-your-brain-at-the-door games’. Start your game, blow the shit out of some toys and relax into a world of hilarious nonsense.

Now that we’ve solved the complicated problem of making a great Xbox LIVE Arcade game, we should get our top scientists to focus on something truly important, like sterilizing people who don’t flush the toilet in public washrooms.

If there is one completely untapped resource in the realm of gaming and science fiction, it’s Space Marines. I can only assume that this fact is the leading contributor to all the hype surrounding the newly released and creatively named ‘Space Marine’. Gamers the world over have been clamoring for a game that pits roguishly chiseled manly men with muscle dysmorphia against hordes of hideous aliens in a clash of ceaseless gunfire. THQ has answered the call and stepped boldly into unique, unexplored territory. However, treading into the unknown can be a vicious gamble.
Does THQ live up to the hype? The answer is a solid ‘probably’.

The game’s protagonist is one Captain Titus, who is Colonel of the Ultramarines (Captain is actually his surname.) Colonel Captain Titus is tasked with riding the known galaxy of the Ork menace by any means necessary; even illegal wire tapping and prolonged incarcerations without trial. Colonel Captain Titus is not alone in this task, as he is accompanied by a loyal entourage of companions. Space Marine features full co-op integration allowing up to 4 ½ players to join the game online as any of the following characters:

Sergeant Officer Duke: Ballistics expert and soft-spoken cat-lover.
Private Ensign Marx: Spec ops sniper and devout Mormon.
Lieutenant Admiral Candy: A girl.
Grenadier General Hugo: Cool, but rude (gimme a break)
Chief Commodore Marsupial: A party dude (party)

By far, the greatest portion of this game’s storyline is the ‘Band of Brothers’ element of the group. The Ultramarines are just like the Semper-fi-hooRAH Marines we all know and love, from the sense of fraternity right down to the massive chainsaw swords. The Space Marines stick up for each other and never leave a man behind. You get a genuine sense of camaraderie from the Ultramarines and by the game’s end, you begin to truly believe that they would do anything for each other. That is of course with the notable exception of *SPOILER ALERT* Private Ensign Marx, who is caught stealing Grenadier General Hugo’s prescription painkillers and is cannibalized by his companions as part of some esoteric Ultramarine ritual of honor. I’m not really sure how I felt about that part.

Pictured: An Average Ultramarine.

Anyways, the whole show is brought together marvelously by the leadership of Colonel Captain Titus, who inspires and directs the group. His tough-but-fair demeanor never fails to shine through, even when he *SPOILER ALERT* directs the group to disembowel Private Ensign Marx and cook his carcass on a spit.

The gameplay is expectedly combat intensive with some unique touches. The pacing is frantic and visceral, putting you against endless droves of Orks who are armed with everything from Spetsnaz shotguns to novelty inflatable mallets. The game features three attack subsets that can be mapped to any variety of weapons. Subset 1 features a huge selection of firearms, from the classic shotgun to the rapid fire assault rifle. The Ultramarine has a wide choice of long range weapons (my personal favorite being the Super Soaker filled with elk urine.) Subset 2 is your complement of melee weapons, featuring the Chainsaw sword, The Chainsaw axe and the Chainsaw BDSM paddle. By far the most interesting is subset 3 which is reserved for a very original feature in the game: Tactical Crying. Activating Tactical Crying causes your Space Marine to burst into a fit of inconsolable weeping, causing the surrounding Orks to be paralyzed with a sudden sense of remorse. This leaves them open to a lukewarm urine ambush followed by a thorough slave ass-paddling/chainsawing.

The Gameplay of Space Marine is Intense and Chainsawy.

The HUD is easy to navigate. At the top right is the health bar, the mana bar being immediately to its left. The bottom portion of the screen is reserved for the current time and temperature, as well as a real time CNN stock ticker. The right side of the screen is reserved for the Ultrafinish meter. As the player kills enemies and successfully dodges attacks, the meter fills up until it flashes yellow. Once it’s full, enter a character specific command sequence and you will unleash an Ultrafinish attack, causing the game to seamlessly transform into a dance simulator. Timed button sequences need to be hit perfectly as the superfly Ultramarines have a dance off against the wiggety-wack Orks to the sounds of today’s latest and greatest club hits. If completed successfully, the Orks receive a damage rating of ‘served’ and are forced to get the fuck outta yo’ house with that stank-ass bullshit.

As we all know, the only perfect game ever made is the SNES adaption of Home Improvement, so the game is not without its flaws. The running time of the game is a little short at 85 hours and about 60% of its content is advertisements for feminine hygiene products. The save system is a little clunky as well. Saving is restricted entirely to typewriters which can only be activated if the player has ink ribbons in their possession. Naturally, there is a constant search throughout the game for more ink ribbons which can be quite tedious, not to mention the inventory space that the ink ribbons always occupy.

Pictured: Space Marine's User-Friendly HUD.

There are a few bugs that made it into the final build as well; textures often pop in suddenly on the horizon and there are numerous bugs in the dialogue sequences. One unusual bug occurred in a cutscene where Colonel Captain Titus is having a conversation with Lieutenant Admiral Candy about her fractured relationship with her parents. Selecting the “I understand… That must have been very hard on you…” option instead maps to the “We know you did it, you left-leaning parasite, so spill the beans or you’re getting the gas chamber!” option. I don’t believe this is a deal breaker; I expect that THQ will launch a patch to rectify these problems as soon as possible.

All in all, Space Marine is a wonderful game that is hampered by a few minor issues. This is a must-own game for anyone who has a fascination with Marines who come from space. Newcomers are welcome too; the game is easy to pick up for beginners as soon as you learn to cope with the debilitating migraine that you get after ten minutes of gameplay. Availability of this wonderful product is plentiful, as the game is fully ported to the Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Nintendo Wii, PC, Mac and of course the Phantom.
I give this game a rating of 5 cheese blintzes out of a possible 7 1/2.

Long before Call of Duty, Bluetooth headsets, and teaching ten year olds your favorite racial slurs over Xbox Live, there was a time when gaming was far more dignified and much simpler than it is today. Starting in the late 1970s, gamers used to gather in public, sometimes even in daylight, and hone their skills on the arcade machines available to them, one quarter at a time. An arcade acted as a social club for kids who climbed the ladder of respect by playing classic games and leaving behind a tasteful three letter handle such as AAA, CNT, ASS, FAG, GAY, TIT, or DIE accompanied by their highest score possible of which others could take notice. This was the original leaderboard. While times have changed, your fond memories of pissing away your allowance certainly have not. Let’s take a look back at the TOP 10 ARCADE GAMES OF ALL TIME.

10.) NBA Hangtime (Midway, 1996)

Midway had a real knack for turning bland basketball games into hilarious, over the top dunk fests. While the original NBA Jam was excellent, NBA Hangtime turned up the heat and allowed for custom characters you could create, level up and play at anytime. Awesome two-on-two action like this hadn’t felt so good since the time you and your buddy cleaned that pool for those sun bathing old ladies alone at a luxurious mansion in Beverly Hills and… oh wait, that was just a movie you jacked off to last weekend in your bachelor suite. Plus, you don’t have any friends so stick to Minecraft and My Little Pony and keep your fucked up granny smut away from one of my favorite games.

9.) Metal Slug 3 (SNK, 2000)

SNK’s flagship platformer, Metal Slug, is still alive to this day but none have been greater than Metal Slug 3. This game had the best of everything in the series. The best art, best action, best story, and best boss fights. Blowing stuff up and foiling military plans with a buddy as you high-fived to a symphony of explosions is a great way to build a sense of camaraderie. This game came at a steep price as you died every 15 seconds, so most kids had to empty out their piggy banks before playing this brutal classic at the arcade, a precursor for some of a life of poor investment decisions that usually ends with divorce and attempted suicide. That was a bit of a downer, I apologize.

8.) The Outfoxies (Namco, 1994)

One of the best arcade games that you’ve probably never heard of is The Outfoxies, a two-player game that pits you against your enemy like two provoked dogs under the care of Michael Vick in a style reminiscent of the original Smash Bros. The environments are super fun and fully destructible which you can climb on and take cover behind while planning your next strike. With a bizarre cast of characters to choose from, including a chimp, twin sisters, and a dude in a wheelchair (sounds like a movie you keep in your sock drawer), the object of the game is to kill your enemy using an arsenal of guns and explosives. Ridiculous fun.

7.) The Simpson’s Arcade Game (Konami, 1991)

In the early 1990′s, The Simpson’s had their name stamped on every piece of cheap manufactured crap to be shipped out of Asia, and us kids ate it up like a dog scarfing down it’s own vomit. The Simpson’s Arcade Game by Konami was definitely no exception as it was one of the biggest draws at the local arcade that allowed up to four players to assume the roles of Bart, Homer, Marge or Lisa and smash their way through legions of turncoat Springfield citizens on a path to Mr. Burns. The Simpson’s were so popular at the time that you could put Bart’s face on a box of used dildos and they would fly off the shelves.

6.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Turtles in Time (Konami, 1991)

Much like Matt Groening and The Simpson’s, Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird whored out their franchise like a five dollar hooker giving two-for-one deals at a sex addicts retreat in Las Vegas. Once again Konami delivered huge with the best of the best in the beat-em-up category. Four-player action starring Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello in an adventure through time against all your favorite TMNT bad guys with top shelf 2D graphics makes this game an arcade legend. The 3D remake for XBL and PSN is good, but nothing compares to playing the original on an arcade cabinet.

5.) Mortal Kombat II (Midway, 1993)

No game had greasy white nerds lined up around the block to take shots at ripping their friends’ heads off like Mortal Kombat II did. This was another arcade classic delivered by Midway and the second installment in the Mortal Kombat franchise, but this time with additional characters, like Reptile and Baraka, which added to an already popular cast. With spruced up graphics, tighter controls and more mindless violence than the original, Mortal Kombat II was the game to play if you wanted to “finish” your grandpa by giving him another stroke.

4.) Donkey Kong (Nintendo, 1981)

1981 wasn’t a great year for most things. The cars were hideous, the fashion was an awkward post-disco nightmare, and the girls had more pubic hair than a lumberjack’s ass crack. One thing that was definitely awesome was hanging out at the local arcade in your knee high socks and Adidas shorts and playing Donkey Kong, one of the most iconic names in the history of video games. Donkey Kong was Nintendo’s first noteworthy video game, the very first appearance of Mario and thirty years later is still an extremely profitable franchise. Like many early 1980s arcade games, Donkey Kong required true skill and if it has taught us anything, it’s that Billy Mitchell should be tied up by his hair and dragged behind a car on the highway. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then make sure to watch the documentary “The King of Kong” because it’s bloody fantastic.

3.) Street Fighter II (Capcom, 1991)

The original Street Fighter was just awful and embarrassing, much like the last time a woman allowed you to stick your crooked penis inside of her at a family reunion. At the opposite end of the spectrum, Street Fighter II: The World Warrior was a monumental success and absolutely owned the arcade market in 1991. The gameplay at the time was innovative and fresh and every guy on the planet wanted to try it. When it came out, it was an intimidating machine at the arcade that had a bad ass reputation and to do this day Street Fighter II is considered a masterpiece that many dedicated fans consider the best of the series.

2.) Pac-Man (Namco, 1980)

Mastering Pac-Man is harder than trying to sneak out a bean burrito fart under the covers before your wife falls asleep, and it requires a lot of practice to merely become decent at. After three decades it has remained a top favorite arcade game of many bald dinosaurs who remember it fondly, and the chomping yellow circle has grown into a legendary icon capable of symbolizing the entire video game subculture. It wasn’t my favorite game but it’s significance is undeniable.

1.) Lover Boy (G.T. Enterprise, 1983)

I’m sure you’ve never played it, never heard of it and probably couldn’t even stomach it. Lover Boy may sound innocent but it’s premise is so diabolically fascinating that it has earned top ranking on our list. The game starts out as a seemingly decent Pac-Man clone, but instead of eating dots and running away from ghosts, you play as a belligerent naked man wearing only a purple hat who wildly chases down women while avoiding the police and their dogs. When you succeed in catching your prey, the game changes into a graphic x-rated challenge of plowing the poor girl senseless in hilarious positions, all in glorious 8-bit. Generally the term ‘rape’ refers to a selfish act of sexually pleasing yourself with complete disregard for your victim’s needs, but in Lover Boy you must time your thrusts during the assault in a courteous manner to allow her to climax before you. Yes I know, how thoughtful. If you fail in doing so and blow your load too soon (I suggest thinking about baseball), she will then escape and you have to repeat the process all over again. The level is complete when each woman has been caught, fucked, experienced orgasm and possibly even been impregnated. I don’t throw the word ‘epic’ around too much, but believe me, Lover Boy is epic and, surprisingly enough, a gentleman.

While I could go on and on for days like an abundant fountain of knowledge from which my readers may drink, I sometimes need to exercise my degree in counseling and address specific problems that you are encountering which I may have overlooked. Over the past many months I have collected a large amount of email and letters from all over the world and I felt it was time for you to benefit from a little one-on-one time with the Professor. So let’s get down to business, shall we?

Q: Good day, Professor! I am a HUGE fan of your articles, I must say that since I discovered your wisdom I have become a changed man. So thank you for that! One thing I can’t seem to figure out is how can I get a girl to want to see me again after our first date? Usually when they wake up in the morning with my arms around them and I’m wearing her knickers, there is just lots of crying and screaming and she acts really confused. I’m scared that my mum will hear from upstairs and ground me. What do I do?

Kyle, 37
Cornwall, UK

A: The thing about women is that they like to play silly little head games with us men and send us mixed signals to keep us guessing and test our commitment level. Just because you are experiencing tears, scratching, biting, threats of legal action and so on doesn’t necessarily mean that that she does not want you driving slowly behind her late at night with the headlights off, or sending black and white photographs of your lopsided testicles in the mail (yes, that is a mole, what of it?). She is just saying that you have to put a ring on that finger if you want to continue to get regular sex. I do agree with you, however. I wish women were more clear with their convoluted messages. It would certainly save me a bundle on duct tape and horse tranquilizers.

So now you have to ask yourself, Kyle, are you willing to get married just for a little late night hokey-pokey? Don’t get caught in that trap; all they want is your money. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Q: dear mr tweed, ive been trying to get the attention of this girl i really like at the coffee shop by my work. i go in 8 times everyday to buy cheese scones and see her but im too scared to talk to her and she doesnt even know i exist!! i just stare at her from the back and get really sweatty and start wheezing until i have to go back to work. What do i do to get her to like me too?

Robert, 21
Illinois, USA

A: Eight times in one day? Yikes, is that it? I’m not familiar with the state laws of Illinois but when I was your age I would have been harassing and visually molesting her fifty-eight times a day, and  to hell with court orders! Persistence is key, I tell you. I can’t emphasize this enough. A wise man once said that “you miss one hundred percent of the shots that you do not take.” I like those odds.

As I close my eyes I can picture this beautiful tigress in my mind’s eye. Yes, bleached blond stripper hair. Exposed cleavage. Maybe a nose ring, her thick make-up layered on like a delicious bean dip. An unhealed sore resting near her glossy lips. Dirty girl. She must be the most enticing minimum wage barista in all of the coffee realm who, I’m sure, has been around the block with everyone but you, Rob.

One of your many problems is that you are a spineless wallflower and you allow the world to use you like a doormat. No more! One trick for earning respect is to dig deep within and emit a strong persona that will force the people around you to take notice as if you were an unpleasant odor that can’t be ignored. No longer will the world see a pudgy marshmallow of a man with horrendous acne who couldn’t grow a beard if he had a gun to his head, but rather a charismatic, sexually desperate animal with confidence oozing out like a bad case of chlamydia.

Don’t stare at the young lady with fear in your eyes, but with fear in her eyes. She can’t see you if you are hiding in the back, nibbling on a scone like a petrified squirrel. Go up to the counter and slowly rub your erection against the glass by the muffins and introduce yourself. Ask her nicely to grab you a low fat banana-nut muffin from the case and give her a sly wink. Project an insatiable yet commanding hunger that will cause her to look extremely uncomfortable and she will hopefully notify her manager about how much she is attracted to you. If it happens to be another man then get ready for war because this will surely ignite a jealous rage and he may have some firm words for you and even challenge you like a bull elephant fighting for love. Engage in combat and win her heart.

She will notice you now, my friend and I think she will like what she sees. Good luck!

Q: Hello again, Professor Tweed. I hope for your sake you remember me. Let me remind you in case you’ve conveniently forgotten. I went out for ladies night with my girlfriends last weekend at Boston Pizza and the next thing I remember is waking up in a drunken stupor in the back of your car with an old sock stuffed inside my mouth. You might want to get the latch for your trunk fixed because I’m sure you noticed that I escaped and hopped to a gas station, and thanks for the very fitting licence plate number “THERAPST”, it was easy to find you!!! Oh and I still have some of your mustache stuck in my teeth, that should make a nice DNA sample!!

Get a good lawyer, PERVERT!!!!

Jennifer, 41
Washington, USA

A: Get a lawyer, like I’ve never heard THAT before! Who comes up with these horrible terms that are thrown around like a frisbee at the beach? Date rape? Sexual predator? Possible suspect? DNA match? What did I tell you, Kyle? All they want is your money. Cash settlement my foot, I’ll see you in court, woman!

P.S. I am not a rapist, I’m a THERAPIST dammit!

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Fantasy Flight Games is a company renowned for creating rulebooks decipherable only by the few dyslexics out there with a kind of tenacious will normally found only in furious badgers or cornered Tasmanian devils. Thus I find myself called upon time and again to read these delightfully arcane tomes of potential madness.

That being said, I’ve yet to come across a FFG game that hasn’t been as much fun as a post-menoposal nymphomaniac on MDMA. In fact, their flagship game, Twilight Imperium (now well into its 3rd edition, TI3) and its expansions Shattered Empire and Shards Of The Throne, is among the most beloved of all obscure, geek-friendly brain mashers out there. Like heroin or sex with your girlfriend’s mom, it’s one of those experiences that you’re just dying to try again right away, even though you know it’ll probably kill ya dead.

She even comes equipped with her own toys.

Using a tile-constructed board built out of an ever growing selection of systems (a complete set with the two expansions contains sixty-six map tiles and one special off-map tile, not including Homeworlds or the imperial seat, Mecatol Rex) and seventeen factions to choose from, no two games are ever quite the same. Add to this already diverse galaxy the various domain counters of the “Distant Suns” option to give planets and empty space tiles random encounters for the first player to explore, you’ll find a living universe in which to destroy your friends, family and random strangers you’ve kidnapped off the street for just such a purpose.

You would think that these aspects alone are more than enough to make a fine Risk-clone in space, but that’s not all there is to this complex and beautiful game. Rather than just another re-enactment of the meat-grinder attrition of classic Napoleonic or trench warfare, TI3 brings into play the politics, trade, industry and diplomacy required to create and hold a star-spanning empire. Trickery and tactics are hiding within the massive Action Card and even scientific progress is represented in the Technology Decks available to each player. Damn but I’m getting hard just writing about it.

By now you’re probably thinking “Wow, this sounds like a game for repressed homosexuals or closeted accountants” But then you’d be forgetting the most important aspect of empire: the destruction of those who oppose you with a wide variety of weapons and military units. Being primarily a space conquest game, most of the units are different classes of ships. From the quick and versatile Cruiser to the mighty War Sun, the all-important Carrier to, my personal favorite, the Dreadnought, these units guarantee a space war that leaves bits and pieces of your fleet scattered throughout the orbits of numerous worlds. Even the planets themselves are not free of conflict as Ground Forces, Shock Troops and the all new Mechanized Units battle to control the scant resources found on those same beleaguered orbs.

This guy can masturbate, eat Cheetos and play video games all at once.

Having played fifty or so games of TI3 one might start to get a little bored with even its nearly endless tactical combinations. But the delightful folks at FFG have anticipated those who are easily distracted by the lack of Star Wars style action; where are the heroic acts of the back-world farm hand and his hot sister? The optional rules include such things as Leaders and Fighter runs on the monstrous War Suns and add more and more until you come to realize that you’re playing a game as complicated as the feelings you have for the woman who gave birth to you.

I could go on and on about this, that and the other aspects of this wonderful game but why not check it out for yourself? Like many modern game companies, FFG has posted the actual rule book to this and most of their other games right alongside the vitally important FAQs.

Now go forth, gather your opponents and turn your friends into weeping balls of flesh as their puny fleets are crushed beneath the weight of your massive imperial apparatus. And don’t forget to tell them who sent ya.

For more information, or to pick up a copy, head to www.fantasyflightgames.com

Getting a really big tax return is not something that happens to you every day. Hell, if you find yourself in the same tax bracket as me, (or what I lovingly refer to as the ‘Buttfuck Tax Bracket’) you probably won’t see one every decade. So when you do get a return, you find yourself in a precarious position: sandwiched awkwardly between the need to do something constructive with your newfound wealth and the desire to piss it away on something useless. Unfortunately for all of mankind, desire often trumps need. This has been confirmed by many philosophers throughout history (or at least the really cool ones who always bought the next round). When I received my unexpected tax return I was not a calm, level-headed Plato. I was a sloppy, drunken Nietzsche who blew his cash on a shiny new Xbox 360.

Like nearly everything I do, it seemed like a good idea at the time. My sleek, black, ubermensch Xbox 360 Elite had opened the door to a whole new world of next generation gaming that had been previously closed off to my limp, flaccid PlayStation 2. My Xbox afforded me three whole years of entertainment speckled lovingly with the occasional racial slur uttered from the mouth of a thirteen year old. All was well in my little world and my decision seemed like a wise one.

That was until the fucking thing broke.

I’ve always wanted to play a game where you shoot people and take their guns – and then use those guns to shoot other people so you get marginally better guns that you can use to shoot other people, and then you fight Cthulhu – so naturally I was really excited when Borderlands came out. After a long day of helping grandmothers email pictures of their cats to their grandchildren, I came home weary-headed to what I hoped would be a marathon of firearm hoarding. As my Xbox booted up, I was prompted for a dashboard update.
“No problem,” I said to no one in particular. “I’ll just run this quick update. What could possibly go wrong?” I concluded, “Nothing, that’s what.” The update installed and as my Xbox rebooted, I saw a sight I had heard of only in legend. The reviled Red Ring of Death. After poking and prodding haphazardly at my Xbox like a first year gynecological student, I resigned myself to the cold fact that my Xbox was now in a permanent vegetative state. I wiped a single tear from my cheek as I stretched the pillow over my Xbox. “Hush,” I said as I wept softly. “Your pain will be no more.”

If you want to be an Xbox Live employee, I can only assume that they ask you during the interview if you have ever been dropped on your head as an infant and, if so, a rough number of times in which this has happened to you. If your answer is five or more, you are instantly hired. If it exceeds fifteen, you automatically get promoted to management. I don’t have any supporting evidence, but this is the theory I formulated when I found myself on hold for thirty minutes when I was escalated to management for being ‘angry’. The frustrating thing about this is that I wasn’t actually angry; I had called for a new shipping label. You see, I used to live downstairs from someone who is (and I mean this in only the most endearing sense) a shit-eating retard. When this particular shit-eating retard moved out, he took all my mail with him including the shipping label I needed to have my Xbox serviced. Apparently, he could not visibly differentiate between our names even though they only share two letters in common. When I told the Xbox Live representative my story, he told me that I was upset with the service I was getting and told me he was going to transfer me to a manager. I emphatically told him that I was indeed not angry; actually quite chipper and was maybe even about to hum an upbeat little tune to myself while I thought of a kitten in a little bow-tie playing with a baby lamb in a picturesque meadow on a pristine summer afternoon. My pleadings tragically fell on ears that were not actually connected to a brain, so I was transferred anyways. After the first fifteen minutes of being on hold, my mood drastically changed. When the manager finally picked up, I had only a few words for him:

“Just send me another label you fucking cretin.”

I eventually received my second label, but never had the chance to use it as I didn’t ship it quick enough. You see much like Xboxes themselves, service shipping labels have an expiry date. I opted to not call back for a third label.

Months later, I got a new Xbox. My father had received a new Xbox from an ISP for signing on for their services. No longer needing his old Xbox, he gave it to me. I was thrilled when this happened, since you can only build so many giant cocks in Minecraft before it starts to get boring. Before I knew it, I was streaming B-grade Netflix horror movies and having garbled voice party conversations like a pro. Of course, this happiness was fleeting.

I’m not really sure what was going through Detective Cole Phelps’ mind when his entire world froze around him, but I’m sure it wasn’t anything truly profound since he was driving on a crowded sidewalk at the time. I decided to remedy this situation by rebooting my Xbox. As it came back up, it made a subtle chirp not unlike the death rattle of a white tailed antelope squirrel. To my dismay, I was once again confronted with my old enemy: the Red Ring of Death. Like Satan’s fiery anus, it pulsated obscenely in front of me. Poor detective Phelps was forever trapped in Arson after being demoted for eschewing his Betty-esque Marie for a more Veronica-ish Elsa and I was left without my primary form of entertainment. It’s worth noting that I had this fine piece of hardware for a full week and a half before this happened.

I thought about a lot of things as I begrudgingly reinstalled Diablo II on my laptop. I thought about how I’ve been through two Xbox 360s in a single year while my ten year old Playstation 2 still works perfectly fine. I thought how inefficient it must be to run a company that produces hardware that is destined to break and then provides its customers with a servicing helpdesk that is completely fucking balls-in-mouth incompetent. I also thought about food and breasts and tapirs for the briefest moment. Mostly, I thought about how gaming is an expensive, time consuming habit and that perhaps I should pick up a hobby that’s more constructive. Then I thought about how awesome it will be when I build a new top of the line gaming PC in a few months so I can play Deus Ex: Adventures in Cyborgtasia.

Ultimately, it seems that I’ve learned nothing.

Did you know that 65% of US households play video games? Or that almost 50% of all gamers are between the ages of 18-49? Probably not, because you’re the type of person who wastes their time reading the nonsense we periodically barf onto this ugly web page.

That being said, gamers really are a unique and diverse bunch. To prove this, Nakedrobber’s team of crack scientists turned their attention towards studying people who play video games. The following demographics and statistical information about video game players has been collected in our usual haphazard and sloppy way so you can trust it about as much as Kristie Alley trusts a non-reinforced chair.

The actual surprising thing is that more than half of the information in this chart turned out to be true.

I know we usually try to focus on spreading as much hate in the limited amount of time we have before Satan claims our souls, but if you are actually interested in reading more about how unique and hilarious gamers are, then check out these sources below. When you start to read the information you will start to realize that most people have a completely skewed idea of what kind of people are really playing games. Now excuse me while I go think of new ways to ridicule fat people who like World of Warcraft. For more info check out these papers:

• http://www.theesa.com/facts/pdfs/ESA_EF_2011.pdf
• http://archives.igda.org/diversity/IGDA_DeveloperDemographics_Oct05.pdf
• http://www.lionlamb.org/research_articles/study6.pdf
• http://www.onlineeducation.net/videogame

Centuries before the advent of the video game and all the antisocial, time-wasting fun involved with sitting on your rapidly expanding ass on some ragged, jizz-stained couch while watching pixilated sprites frolicking at your command, there was something known as a “board game“.

Marketed as “fun for the whole family” (kind of like incest), these games started to spread around like STDs to the socially awkward and dubiously intelligent crowd of losers known as nerds. These nerds, led by the Great G. Gygax, patron saint of the unwashed, soon hijacked the concept of “fun” and created all kinds of games beyond the grasp of your average inbred yokel. Most of these games never found their way past the dingy basements or stanky college dorms in which the creators spent the majority of their pathetic lives, while others flew off to inspire new generations of dips, dweebs and douchebags.

Fast-forward thirty odd years to this fabulous modern age in which we live and toil to find a world where most of the best-of-the-best board games come from lovely perverts over in Europe whose well-designed adventure board games have stolen the market from the money sucking ass(w)holes currently in control of Saint Gygax’s baby. Into this mess enters Z-man/Ludically’s Earth Reborn, a post-apocalyptic adventure which pits 2-4 players against each other in a variety of mission based scenarios describing the conflict between the “good” NORAD and the “evil” Salemites.

The setting and mechanics of the game bring to mind the so-ugly-it’s-beautiful world of the classic Fallout video games and their wonderful turn-based combat system. Even the characters included are filled with the kind of life and history that would make the lot of you shut-in cretins jealous, from the IBS afflicted zombie master to the 500 year old, lovesick super zombie, and the slutty sniper who stole his heart.

With such complex strategies as capturing and torturing your enemies or blasting your way through walls, doors and other terrain, one would think that it would take a team of astrophysicists to decipher the rule book, but that’s not the case. The nine core scenarios gradually add to the complexity of the game until players are ready to set up their own maps and missions. Who would have thought that one could idiot-proof a board game? I sure didn’t.

Even if you can’t get your fat, loser friends to pull their vacant gazes away from their video screens long enough to try something more intellectually stimulating than the vomit porn filling their hard drives, at least you can find some solace in masturbating to the finely crafted figures of the barely dressed sniper and the hot pants clad she-zombie.

Yes, they thought of everything.

In 1991, Capcom hit gamers with Street Fighter II: The World Warrior and it firmly solidified their title as King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Other games have come along and taken a run at the belt, most notably Midway’s Mortal Kombat and Tekken by Namco, but they never really came close to dethroning Ken and Ryu as the champs. You could argue King of Fighters/Samurai Shodown by SNK, but they too could not match the quality of Capcom.

Unfortunately for Midway’s clunky fighter, only the first handful of games in the series were memorable. Everything released past Mortal Kombat 4 declined rapidly in quality and were even less fun than going through old photo albums and reminiscing about your ‘skinnier days’ when you didn’t need your wife to move you around with a pallet jack.

Mortal Kombat enjoyed some brief success for a few years in the early 1990s but the games just came off as gimmicky and entertaining in a morbid kind of way but never posed a true threat to Capcom’s franchise. With the nutty finishing moves and over the top violence, it was obvious that it was marketed towards the easily amused ADD kids shrieking for blood like starved harpies, while the smug, more mature Street Fighter fans stood back and shook their heads in quiet amusement.

I don't know how old Cammy is, but a webcam would put her through college.

Gore does not make a game better, gameplay does. Gameplay is where Capcom outshined the competition for years. The skill of a player can make Ryu look like a graceful ballet dancer moving to a symphony of pain and pugilism, or else like Stephen Hawking trying to line dance in high heels. Being able to do the former and dominate your local arcade requires a lot of dedication and, I hate to say it in reference to a video game, talent. I’m not saying old Mortal Kombat games don’t require skill, but the tap-tap-punch style controls always felt more like you were entering cheat codes or playing Dance Dance Revolution with your fingers, as opposed to Street Fighter’s poetic flow which was harder to master.

Mortal Kombat’s strongest showing was in 1995 with Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 and I fully admit that I love that game, but like Kevin Smith waddling in front of the sun, it was soon eclipsed by Street Fighter 3: Third Strike which put a stranglehold on the fighting game market for the next decade. Capcom continued to destroy the competition with games like Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 while Midway struggled like a Down syndrome kid trying to wipe his own ass and made a shitty mess of things for the next number of years. Ironically, the best thing to ever happen to the once decent Mortal Kombat franchise was the sad demise of Midway.

Years of awful decisions, and just plain terrible games that didn’t sell drained money from the company and eventually forced them to liquidate their assets in 2009 and sell to a dinky little film company you may have heard of: Warner Bros. Like three black dudes in a porno with a blonde chick ready to make like a circus seal, this is when things began to get interesting.

Capcom had just taken another dump on Midway’s head and delivered a KO punch to the jaw of the short lived Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe with Street Fighter IV and then kicked them while they were down a year later with Super Street Fighter IV. The new Midway, renamed to Netherrealm Studios, finally made a bit of a splash with their newly acquired franchise and dropped a hydrogen bomb on the Japanese with a reboot of the Mortal Kombat series and fuck me is it good. So good in fact that it pushed 3 million units and paid for the Midway acquisition in a few short months.

The new Mortal Kombat game makes nerds touch their controllers in whole new ways.

Mortal Kombat 9 has absolutely blown Street Fighter out of the water to the point that the latest Super Street Fighter IV and Marvel vs. Capcom 3 seem like a distant memory that’s as bland as a cardboard popsicle. Not only is this newest MK game loaded with the blood and violence it’s famous for, but it plays better than any past Mortal Kombat game could even dream of. It is without a doubt the greatest fighting game our world has ever known, and to top it off, Netherrealm Studios has just added a few new characters to the roster, one of which is Warner Bros. very own Freddy Krueger who goes together with Mortal Kombat like cheese and crackers.

Street Fighter fans around the world, including myself, who have been talking shit all these years have spit coffee all over themselves after trying this great game out and now look like idiots with their dicks caught in their zippers. The big question is how will Capcom respond? Can they even?

Your move, Japan. Best make it a good one.

One of my favorite childhood memories that doesn’t involve stealing porn mags from the drug store with my buddy or shooting random shit with my BB gun was staying up late and kicking ass in Final Fantasy IV for the SNES. There is something special about that game that is utterly classic, from the music, to the boss fights, to the incredibly epic story and plot twists. I’ve now played the game far too many times to get any more value out of it, like using the same old fuck sock over and over for years and trying to convince yourself it’s a warm vagina and not a rancid piece of cotton filled with your pubes and STDs. Much like Final Fantasy IV, that story ends with tears.

I do still love all those old Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest games and still get tempted to play any of the ones I may have missed. The style and function that went into those games is now so painfully primitive that they are a bit hard to take seriously in our age of realtime tessellation and advanced muscle rigging. But you know what’s cooler than playing these old shitty games alone on a Saturday night with a sock on your boner? Making them.

Tellah got owned, Cid running like a scared bitch. What rookie was playing this?

There is some pretty awesome software that has been around for quite a few years. If you are a sexually hopeless, old school RPG dork with a lot of time on your hands who hasn’t been introduced to RPGMaker, then hit pause on that Mexican donkey show and go check out www.rpgmakerweb.com. It’s a pretty old line of software that has been released on a number of different platforms since the early 90′s.

It started out as a bit of a gimmick but it’s now starting to feel like a realistic option for developers looking to make their own classic RPG adventure games. The engine is extremely flexible, like the hooker you paid for wild, acrobatic sex and then folded into a suitcase and dumped at the landfill. It allows you to create your own scripts and events to build an extremely unique environment and, if done properly, you can end up with a professional looking game.

The cool thing about RPGMaker is that any mindless slug can make a game…maybe even you! God knows this isn’t something that’s going to make you popular with the ladies or help draw attention away from your giant bald spot but it is still impressive in its own right. RPGMaker comes equipped with tons of preloaded art work for you to create your little worlds with. Or, if you are more ambitious, it enables you to import your own art, sound fx and music to make your game one of a kind.

RPGMaker also permits you to sell and distribute your creations, as long as you don’t tamper with the executable, but it’s not like you know how to do that anyways, primate. That’s like telling a beagle not to drive your car anywhere while you’re out, and realistically the only thing you could make that people would pay money for is a video of you getting mauled by lions. So if you do make a game, you might want to put it in the ‘free downloads’ section of your My Little Pony fan page.

So start focusing your spare time into something bigger and better than adding to the heap of crusty Kleenexes at the foot of your bed. It’s time to prove your family wrong and show them that you aren’t a “lazy dead beat” or a “worthless shit-sniffer who couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and an ass map”. What does dad know anyway? *sniff*