http://www.nakedrobber.com Ignorant Geek Humor for geeks and gamers Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:15:57 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en In the past, when I was told about an Xbox LIVE arcade game I wouldn't even bother to take a brief break from writing the next chapter in my book titled The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Racist People. However, a month back I picked up a game called Toy Soldiers: Cold War and was happier than Kevin Smith after he discovered the grease dumpster behind his local McDonald's.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/10/toy-soldiers-cold-war-is-a-great-xbox-live-arcade-game/   If there is one completely untapped resource in the realm of gaming and science fiction, it’s Space Marines. I can only assume that this fact is the leading contributor to all the hype surrounding the newly released and creatively named 'Space Marine'. Gamers the world over have been clamoring for a game that pits roguishly chiseled manly men with muscle dysmorphia against hordes of hideous aliens in a clash of ceaseless gunfire. THQ has answered the call and stepped boldly into unique, unexplored territory. However, treading into the unknown can be a vicious gamble. Does THQ live up to the hype? The answer is a solid ‘probably’.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/09/space-marine-a-review-by-someone-who-has-never-actually-played-it/ Long before Call of Duty, Bluetooth headsets, and teaching ten year olds your favorite racial slurs over Xbox Live, there was a time when gaming was far more dignified and much simpler than it is today. Starting in the late 1970s, gamers used to gather in public, sometimes even in daylight, and hone their skills on the arcade machines available to them, one quarter at a time. An arcade acted as a social club for kids who climbed the ladder of respect by playing classic games and leaving behind a tasteful three letter handle such as AAA, CNT, ASS, FAG, GAY, TIT, or DIE accompanied by their highest score possible of which others could take notice. This was the original leaderboard. While times have changed, your fond memories of pissing away your allowance certainly have not. Let's take a look back at the TOP 10 ARCADE GAMES OF ALL TIME.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/09/top-10-arcade-games-of-all-time/ While I could go on and on for days like an abundant fountain of knowledge from which my readers may drink, I sometimes need to exercise my degree in counseling and address specific problems that you are encountering which I may have overlooked. Over the past many months I have collected a large amount of email and letters from all over the world and I felt it was time for you to benefit from a little one-on-one time with the Professor. So let's get down to business, shall we?]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/09/professor-tweed-answers-your-questions/ Fantasy Flight Games is a company renowned for creating rulebooks decipherable only by the few dyslexics out there with a kind of tenacious will normally found only in furious badgers or cornered Tasmanian devils. Thus I find myself called upon time and again to read these delightfully arcane tomes of potential madness.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/09/twilight-imperium-the-first-among-equals/ Getting a really big tax return is not something that happens to you every day. Hell, if you find yourself in the same tax bracket as me, (or what I lovingly refer to as the 'Buttfuck Tax Bracket') you probably won’t see one every decade. So when you do get a return, you find yourself in a precarious position: sandwiched awkwardly between the need to do something constructive with your newfound wealth and the desire to piss it away on something useless. Unfortunately for all of mankind, desire often trumps need. This has been confirmed by many philosophers throughout history (or at least the really cool ones who always bought the next round). When I received my unexpected tax return I was not a calm, level-headed Plato. I was a sloppy, drunken Nietzsche who blew his cash on a shiny new Xbox 360.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/09/how-i-acquired-two-10pound-paperweights/ Did you know that 65% of US households play video games? Or that almost 50% of all gamers are between the ages of 18-49? Probably not, because you're the type of person who wastes their time reading the nonsense we periodically barf onto this ugly web page. Read our special report to find out new ways to ridicule the people you know!]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/09/visual-guide-to-gamers-with-demographics-and-statistics/ Centuries before the advent of the video game and all the antisocial, time-wasting fun involved with sitting on your rapidly expanding ass on some ragged, jizz-stained couch while watching pixilated sprites frolicking at your command there was something known as a "board game". Marketed as "fun for the whole family" (kind of like incest), these games started to spread around like STDs to the socially awkward and dubiously intelligent crowd of losers known as nerds. These nerds, led by the Great G. Gygax, patron saint of the unwashed, soon hijacked the concept of "fun" and created all kinds of games beyond the grasp of your average inbred yokel. Most of these games never found their way past the dingy basements or stanky college dorms in which the creators spent the majority of their pathetic lives, while others flew off to inspire new generations of dips, dweebs and douchebags.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/09/earth-reborn-why-kill-the-zombies-when-you-can-command-them/ In 1991, Capcom hit gamers with Street Fighter II: The World Warrior and it firmly solidified their title as King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Other games have come along and taken a run at the belt, most notably Midway's Mortal Kombat and Tekken by Namco, but they never really came close to dethroning Ken and Ryu as the champs. You could argue King of Fighters/Samurai Shodown by SNK, but they too could not match the quality of Capcom.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/08/is-mortal-kombat-better-than-street-fighter/ One of my favorite childhood memories that doesn't involve stealing porn mags from the drug store with my buddy or shooting random shit with my BB gun was staying up late and kicking ass in Final Fantasy IV for the SNES. There is something special about that game that is utterly classic, from the music, to the boss fights, to the incredibly epic story and plot twists. I've now played the game far too many times to get any more value out of it, like using the same old fuck sock over and over for years and trying to convince yourself it's a warm vagina and not a rancid piece of cotton filled with your pubes and STDs. Much like Final Fantasy IV, that story ends with tears.]]> http://www.nakedrobber.com/2011/08/rpg-no-thanks-ill-make-my-own/