Getting a really big tax return is not something that happens to you every day. Hell, if you find yourself in the same tax bracket as me, (or what I lovingly refer to as the ‘Buttfuck Tax Bracket’) you probably won’t see one every decade. So when you do get a return, you find yourself in a precarious position: sandwiched awkwardly between the need to do something constructive with your newfound wealth and the desire to piss it away on something useless. Unfortunately for all of mankind, desire often trumps need. This has been confirmed by many philosophers throughout history (or at least the really cool ones who always bought the next round). When I received my unexpected tax return I was not a calm, level-headed Plato. I was a sloppy, drunken Nietzsche who blew his cash on a shiny new Xbox 360.

Did you know that 65% of US households play video games? Or that almost 50% of all gamers are between the ages of 18-49? Probably not, because you’re the type of person who wastes their time reading the nonsense we periodically barf onto this ugly web page. Read our special report to find out new ways to ridicule the people you know!

Centuries before the advent of the video game and all the antisocial, time-wasting fun involved with sitting on your rapidly expanding ass on some ragged, jizz-stained couch while watching pixilated sprites frolicking at your command there was something known as a “board game”.

Marketed as “fun for the whole family” (kind of like incest), these games started to spread around like STDs to the socially awkward and dubiously intelligent crowd of losers known as nerds. These nerds, led by the Great G. Gygax, patron saint of the unwashed, soon hijacked the concept of “fun” and created all kinds of games beyond the grasp of your average inbred yokel. Most of these games never found their way past the dingy basements or stanky college dorms in which the creators spent the majority of their pathetic lives, while others flew off to inspire new generations of dips, dweebs and douchebags.

In 1991, Capcom hit gamers with Street Fighter II: The World Warrior and it firmly solidified their title as King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Other games have come along and taken a run at the belt, most notably Midway’s Mortal Kombat and Tekken by Namco, but they never really came close to dethroning Ken and Ryu as the champs. You could argue King of Fighters/Samurai Shodown by SNK, but they too could not match the quality of Capcom.

One of my favorite childhood memories that doesn’t involve stealing porn mags from the drug store with my buddy or shooting random shit with my BB gun was staying up late and kicking ass in Final Fantasy IV for the SNES. There is something special about that game that is utterly classic, from the music, to the boss fights, to the incredibly epic story and plot twists. I’ve now played the game far too many times to get any more value out of it, like using the same old fuck sock over and over for years and trying to convince yourself it’s a warm vagina and not a rancid piece of cotton filled with your pubes and STDs. Much like Final Fantasy IV, that story ends with tears.