In case you’ve been locked in a sexual predator’s basement for the past six months, E3 just finished and every video game news site has articles about the E3 games they were most excited for. While anybody with a shred of credibility in the video game industry was being entertained with previews of upcoming games, I was sitting at home eating corn pops naked and alphabetizing my personal flaws.

The time has come for the Professor to paint you a depressing, detailed picture which will look all too familiar. It’s a dark, rainy night and you are alone at home. You are watching the same old bukkake porn and jerking off into the same old cereal bowl. You have not made love to a woman since the series finale of Perfect Strangers, so it’s time for you to find a girl without the burden of a nagging relationship. Let me take you for a ride into the exciting world of cheap hookers and find out what they can do for your comatose sex life!

I used to have an imagination. I could dream up interesting worlds and go on exciting adventures without huffing enough glue to kill an elephant. Unfortunately years of working in a cubicle, surrounded by people who are genetically closer to cardboard than primates, has reduced my once vivid imagination to day dreaming about eating a doughnut without getting heart burn. Clearly, I need the stuff of my youth to kick start this Swiss cheese brain again. I need the space simulator games of the 1990′s.

Hold onto your wallets kids, Xbox LIVE is forcing you to renew your subscriptions even if you don’t want to pay for a Gold account. I’ve seen a lot of stupid things in my day but this one earns this year’s “Make Society a Little More Shitty” award. This has got to be the worst business decision since we allowed a woman to sue for sexual harassment.

When the Nintendo Wii was first launched in 2006, we were promised the future of gaming that would get deathly out of shape gamers up off their asses and burning off those Funyuns and Dr. Pepper they’ve been consuming seven meals a day since birth. The sales numbers are astounding for sure but now that five years have passed, Nintendo has sold us little more than a small white brick we use to prop doors open and crush cockroaches in our apartments.