In case you’ve been locked in a sexual predator’s basement for the past six months, E3 just finished and every video game news site has articles about the E3 games they were most excited for. While anybody with a shred of credibility in the video game industry was being entertained with previews of upcoming games, I was sitting at home eating corn pops naked and alphabetizing my personal flaws.

This of course led me to realize that I’m sick of hearing all the good things that happened at E3. Let’s admit that most of the time we wait several years for these games and let the hype inflate our imaginations so much that we always end up a little disappointed with the final product. So in an effort to tone down all the marketing noise, let’s remind ourselves that 80% of these games are going to be lukewarm, overproduced pieces of barf that reek of plastic and game developers’ crushed dreams.

Uncharted: Golden Abyss

I've seen people in mass graves who looked more comfortable being photographed

Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Let’s take one of the best franchises ever created and then dumb it down so it appeals to grubby preteen virgins who haven’t discovered deodorant. Does anyone with a job actually care about what games come out for handhelds anymore? Handheld games are babysitting tools. The only people buying these games are mothers with postpartum depression who constantly fight the urge to push their kid’s stroller onto the subway tracks.

That being said, despite my hatred towards all things youthful and full of promise, the game sounds like it might not be a total miserable failure. It’s going to take advantage of some interesting new mechanics. Uncharted on PlayStation Vita boasts over 3000 animations which you’ll make full use of thanks to the controls that now include touch screen capability and tilt controls.

This game just won’t be anywhere near as good as Uncharted 1 or 2 because of the handheld’s limitations.

UFC Undisputed 3

Undisputed 2009 had a Metacritic user score of 8. In 2010 it was given a 6.2. Does anyone expect 2011 to come out swinging like Lesner and get a 9? Actually, it probably will come out like Lesner: an overrated giant that reeks like a bag of poo is attached to his stomach. This game is like watching Anderson Silva fight. It has a couple of exciting moments but for the most part it just dances around while the average person boos.

Unless they’ve added Joe Rogan’s beard as a playable character, I have no interest in playing UFC Undisputed 3. The only thing undisputed is that these games are cash grabs.

This man was allowed to father a child...

Is there even anything to talk about with this game? Probably not, because if you’re a fan of the series you’re most likely busy chewing fistfuls of roids and oscillating between crying uncontrollably and strangling loved ones.

Gears of War 3

I don’t really care about Gears of War 3. Before you grab that retro Lancer Rifle and stab me to death, let me say that I like the Gears series, I’m just not excited about it.

Gears is exactly the same every time. It does its job really well and it looks beautiful, but I will be just as happy playing 2 as I will 3. The big change coming to the series is four player co-op. Never before has this series sported four player co-op gaming and from what Lee Perry says, you’d think it would be a blast: “The amusing side effect of getting more people in a co-op situation… is that it turns into a foot race. It’s like, ‘I want to get into that room and I want to kill everything in there.”

First off, this is exactly how I feel at family dinners. But, if co-op gaming has taught me anything, it’s that if you get four morons playing the same game on their respective consoles, what you end up with is a bunch of drunks yelling over each other through low quality microphones occasionally interspersed with belches, and the chance that the game will devolve into a back stabbing competition until someone rage quits.

Microsoft says this is the last game of the series, but them letting Gears end sounds about as plausible as me taking a piss in a hotel bathroom without intentionally dousing the seat and toilet paper roll.

Star Wars: The Old Republic

Being told there is a new Star Wars MMO game is on par with a doctor telling you those aren’t enlarged taste buds, they’re genital warts. For the past decade Star Wars games have been in less demand than lead-based dollar store toothpaste and there’s a good reason: they suck. That wasn’t even a joke. Star Wars games have been terrible. I don’t see this changing with Old Republic.

This game takes place 3,500 hundred years before the events of the Star Wars films. So we can pretty much kiss everything we grew up liking about Star Wars goodbye. Luckily, we’ll get a bunch of badly cobbled together stories and weird looking technology that in no way resembles the retro sci-fi style of Star Wars IV, V, IV.

Then again, maybe I actually am excited about this game. Why? Because each new failure from this studio brings Star Wars fans one step closer to beating George Lucas to death with Jar Jar Binks dolls.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

A new Legend of Zelda? Meh. It’d be more fun if me using the Wii-mote didn’t resemble a kid with down-syndrome trying to get swarm of bees out his shirt.

Call me cynical, but I’m not satisfied playing a supposedly epic fantasy adventure that resembles a pile of bad textures and 3d cubes mashed together and then barfed onto my 50 inch, high definition plasma screen TV. Meth dealers with blurred out faces on the TV show Cops have sharper features than Wii graphics.

P.S. Nintendo, we’re grown ups now. You can show blood and monsters don’t have to disappear into exploding purple clouds when you kill them. If you’re afraid of alienating your younger audiences then stop creating sequels to a franchise that has been around for twenty years. If you make a new Zelda, understand your players aren’t holding their mom’s hand at the store when they buy it. If you want to make a fantasy series for babies then go make a new one and stop treating Zelda fans like a bunch of adult children who need to be told to stop sticking their fingers in their buttholes around company.

We spent $50,000 doing this study

Mass Effect 3

Awesome. Another entry in the Mass Effect series. I look forward to seeing the nerd in the cubicle beside me litter his desk with more stupid looking sci-fi action figures. Mass Effect is a glorified corridor shooter that starts off great and always ends with you feeling less than impressed. The graphics are great. The plot is interesting. The animations are terrible. The mini games are horrifically boring. And no multiplayer.

Am I just mad because I spent 50 hours trying to bang Yeomen Chambers only to watch her get turned into goo? Yes. Still, thanks to plot holes, odd game mechanics, and awkward dialogue I had as much emotional attachment to the characters in Mass Effect as I did to that tick who burrowed its way into my scrotum after a family camping trip.

Final Fantasy Versus XIII-2

Cool name brah. Very original. If this series were a person it would be Jodie Sweetin, the child star from Full House. It started out with a ton of promise, as kids we grew to love it, but then it developed a meth addiction and now owes $30,000 in back taxes. Okay, that analogy sucked. But not half as bad as I expect FF13-2 to be. Final Fantasy combines everything that annoys me about Japanese culture with everything I hate about ambiguous metro-sexual shemales.

Can Square Enix stop pretending Final Fantasy is a game? Just package FF7 as an erotic movie and let closet-case fanboys spend 60 hours denying they get a boner every time they see Cloud touch his giant sword. Oh, they already did that? It sucked? Ah. Then my work here is done.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

"...where do the high school girls hang out in this town?"

It’s hard to find a flaw with Deus Ex. It’s arguably one of the most notable gaming franchises ever created… Now that I’ve complimented it, can I share my biased, uninformed opinion about the next one? Great.

First off, the guy on the cover of the new box looks like the kind of asshole who brags about his ability to pick up under age chicks and molest them. Does any normal person without severe body dismorphic disorder aspire to look like that? It’s like a Hollywood producer from the 80s tasked a committee of agoraphobic nerds to draw someone who looks ‘rad’.

My next complaint is that in no way will this game live up to the hype. These types of games never do. The PR team releases all these tidbits about how amazingly large the game is, or how unbelievably deep the gameplay is and how the art director took some fantastical new approach to creating graphics by sacrificing virgins and painting in unicorn blood. But you know what always ends up happening? You get a gun and you shoot a bunch of bad guys with AI equivalent to a sloth with carbon monoxide poisoning.

I’d love to be wrong on this one but I know what to expect and when. And this prequel/plot-driven/tactical-shooter/RPG/cyber-punk/Renaissance-era/action/conspiracy/thriller will be a few things, but it certainly won’t be all of those things.
Conclusion

In life you get what’s given. A stripper is a stripper. You can’t expect the same girl who stands up on stage grinding a pole to also have a 4.0 grade point average, work at a veterinary clinic and be a Pulitzer prize winning writer. Why? Because she’s a stripper. She’ll grind poles really well and she’ll snort enough cocaine to kill an elephant but if you expect anything more you’re living in a Hollywood fantasy.

These girls care as much about video games as I do about child poverty

The games coming out of E3 will be OK. They’re not going to cure cancer or help you get laid. So while everyone at E3 was beating off to thoughts of scantily clad gamer girls, I remained in reality and admitted that a Mexican donkey in Tijuana has a better chance of fathering a minotaur than these games have of being as fun as E3 makes them sound. Now excuse me while I go back to telling children that hot dogs will give them cancer and reminding elderly people how weak and fragile their bones have become.

Over the last couple of weeks Microsoft’s Kinect has taken over the video game industry. Naked Robber’s team of researchers have sifted through all the marketing messages and rumors to bring you this easy to read guide.

So what can Kinect do? And will it really change the way you use games as a way to kill time between pleasuring yourself with warm bagels and tranny porn?

Click here to zoom in so you don’t ruin your eyes any further than the 20 years of staring at a screen already have.

All families have their black sheep…unfortunately it’s you and everyone wishes your dad would have accidentally pushed your mom down the stairs during her 8th trimester. Today the Naked Robber takes an in depth look at the 10 obvious reasons why you should have been aborted.

10.) You don’t think too good.

Anything beyond simple concepts such as shoveling food into your gaping maw or masturbating in the bathroom at work will usually end up in confusion and blank stares. You are the last person people go to for advice unless its for tips on how to be the dumbest, slack-jawed primate on the planet. With your brain cells struggling more than a hooker with a plastic bag over her head, your reading comprehension level is comparable to a Basset Hounds. Go play in a mine field.

9.) Your feet smell like decomposing bodies.

Whenever you take off your shoes, everyone elses sperm count drops from the unholy stench coming from those Lovecraftian nightmares you call socks. If I didn’t know better I would have assumed your full time job was to walk through a compost heap of onions and sour milk 8 hours a day in the hot sun. Invest in some foot powder and wash your feet once in a while you stinky fuck. Burn your shoes while you’re at it, there’s no hope for them.

8.) You’re not trusted with children.

Ever since that one spring when you dressed up as the Easter bunny, got escorted off the property in handcuffs and spent the next 8 years in jail, your family hasn’t treated you quite the same. Your nephew is now 15 and still wakes up screaming about the rabbit with a carrot in it’s pocket. The fact that a judge has to tell you not to lure kids into your rapist van with candy and Justin Bieber tickets is reason enough to wish your Mom had practiced the coat hanger execution before your birth.

7.) You failed kindergarten.

While everyone else was making macaroni art, you took a shit in your lunch box and chased the girls around the classroom with it. The teacher regularly locked you in the janitors closet until the sedatives she put in your ice cream kicked in everyday for 8 months. That could be the reason why you have difficulty pronouncing anything but vowels.

6.) You haven’t worked a day in your life.

No matter what day of the week it is, you always seem to be lounging around in your crusty housecoat collecting money from the government. Your dad speaks of the family dog, who eats its own shit from time to time, in much higher regard than you. The mere thought of waking up before noon and doing anything other than being a lazy prick makes your heart hurt and feels about as foreign as a family of Korean’s at a PETA fund raiser.

5.) You have bad teeth.

Your smile reminds people of all the medical horrors in the world that we still haven’t eradicated, like Smallpox or midgets. One look at those jagged, erratic, half decayed pieces of bone jutting from your bloody, unflossed gums can be more blinding than an hour long staring contest with the sun. The only thing your toothy, malformed grin should be used for is scaring birds away from farmers’ crops or as a model for Barraka in the next Mortal Kombat.

4.) You’re disproportionate.

Like a black guy in a high school graduation photo, something about you just doesn’t seem right. Maybe its your stumpy arms that are so short a handshake with you would make Jesus question the existence of God. Or maybe its your head that awkwardly balances on your neck like a raisin sitting on a fencepost. Either way, your very presence defies the power of evolution. Do the human species a favor and go wander around the woods until you’re devoured by bears. You’re making Darwin Sad.

3.) You’re always sweating.

The amount of rancid fluid dripping from those nightmarish forests of matted hair you call armpits is a mystery that modern science cannot explain. I don’t know if the answer can be linked to those manhole sized pours you have scattered in between the mountains of bacne and acne scars, but either way I don’t want you coming to my house unless you bring a shop-vac in tow. Take off that sopping wet, camping tarp sized t-shirt, wring it out into a bathtub and drown yourself.

2.) You have red hair.

Next to elephantitis and down syndrome, one of the most epic genetic failures is being born with red hair. Kids in your class threw rocks at your head and tried to burn you at the stake during recess. You are commonly referred to as a ginger kid, day walker and soulless demon and if you had an ounce of common sense you would seal yourself in a cave so that normal people don’t have to say a quick prayer and cover their childrens eyes when they see you coming.

1.) You run an unsuccessful geek blog.

If anybody needs me I’ll be out back, hanging by my neck from a tree.

The recession has affected everyone. It’s delayed video game launches, cost thousands of jobs and sucker punched your bank account in the daddy sack. Do you really want to live in a world where the local rub and tug can’t even keep it’s doors open? Something has to change. Maybe it’s time you thought about taking your life in another direction. Maybe it’s time you thought about becoming one of the homeless!

Every creature in this world has a job to do. This is true for the lowly ant dragging bits of sugar around and also for the middle aged immigrant women who scrapes the dried shit off the bathroom wall at McDonald’s. The work we do might not be fun but it’s what we were born for. So quit bitching about the shitty chairs at the office and take a minute to absorb these 10 reasons why you’re what people laugh about in the break room:

10.) You complain about work constantly
Your description of work begins with a factory that smashes puppies into a liquid drink and ends with the boss raping your grandmother. The reality is that you spend all day sitting at a desk trying to think of clever Facebook updates in the hopes of impressing the girls from high school that wouldn’t touch your dick. Your job isn’t tough. We all know it. So quit acting like you have it harder than a black man born before 1980.

9.)Everyone else at your office is friends
There is always someone at work who people don’t like. Can’t think of a single person who the office doesn’t get along with? Well surprise, surprise, it’s probably you. It could be because you bring a fluffy little rat to work that runs around pissing on the carpet, or it could be because the tuna sandwiches you eat at your desk smell like an old suitcase stuffed with hitchhikers’ feet. Try acting more likable than a stick of turd flavored gum and maybe we’ll invite you out to lunch for once.

8.) You brag about being irreplaceable
Think you’re invaluable to the office? So did the 20 people your boss just fired on a whim because his wife hit menopause and she’s taking her anger out by depriving him access to a vagina. You can always be replaced. And if you’re one of those people who says ‘they can’t replace me because no one else understands how to do my job’ then god help you, because that’s the job where they lay you off and replace your desk with a potted plant.

7.) You’re never friends with the boss
You come in late, leave early and have the personality of a sack of potatoes. The B.O. blasting out from your pits could be used to pressure wash graffiti off of city walls. In fact, you’re lucky that everyone else you know doesn’t hate you. Solve this problem in one of two ways; stop acting like a spoiled brat or go ‘New York Minute’ yourself out of a 20th story window.

6.) Your think you’re better than this
Oh, you have a masters in English? Well how about you go make me a master coffee you intern. Do you know why offices take you on as an unpaid intern? Because slavery is illegal. That’s the only thing separating your useless and inexperienced brain from a world filled with chains and cotton plants. While you’re at it, stop pretending you can tell everyone how to do their job better than they have. While you were learning that it’s fun to play with your swim suit area, these people were doing real work.

5.) You act like the world owes you a raise
If raises were handed out for picking your nose discretely or growing stretch marks on your ass then this might be true. Unfortunately, showing up to work late and then letting the day slowly limp along like a hobo with gout doesn’t qualify you for more pay. So quit acting like what you do is invaluable and get back to work you rotten bag of sadness.

4.) You don’t care about education
It’s true you don’t need formal training to get that sweet gig. Your lack of certified skill is what makes you special. In fact, you are unique because you have a resume identical to every other half-baked retard that the high school system barfed out. The only things you’re really qualified to do are: masturbate alone in the shower and accidentally pee on the seat of the toilet. Go back to school and try to learn something so you’re at least qualified to dig that ditch.

3.) You hate going to work
Ever fantasized about stepping in front of a bus so you could avoid going into work? No? Really? Because we fantasize about a bus hitting you all the time… Well here’s the truth: working sucks. Like a prostitute with obsessive compulsive disorder, it won’t stop sucking until all the fun parts have long since shriveled up. Fortunately you’ve only got about 30 more years until your life ends with you having a heart attack alone in a dingy bathtub clutching an old porn mag and your shattered childhood dreams.

2.) You act like you’re more important than air
Congratulations, you’ve found a job you’re good at. So has every other living organism on the planet. This puts you on par with all the creatures that know their purpose like city workers, politicians and the aids virus.

1.) You don’t even have a job
If you want to stick your dick in something other than a rolled up sock you might want to consider getting at least one skill valuable to society… like putting a gun in your mouth.