Stories of people being found dead at work, or being left to rot are becoming frighteningly common. With all the chaos and uncertainty in the world we sometimes have to stop and think about how we will be remembered after we’re gone. Do you want your corpse to be worthy of a heart-wrenching burial, and not just burned out back with the rest of the household garbage? Then you better put the game controller down and pay attention to our latest 10 Reasons Why:

10.) You were always broke
When the spare change in your wallet becomes your only bank account, you might need to work a little harder. The worst thing you can do is die, and then leave the bill for the last few people who still bother talking to you. No one wants to attend a funeral that has a cover charge.

9.) No one really loved you
The last time the family wanted you at a Christmas dinner the term radical was as fresh as your Popin’ & Lockin’ dance moves. By the time your corpse is casually rolled into a ditch, your parents will long be gone. But honestly, even your parents sighed a big relief when you finally moved out and stopped masturbating in the shower (yes, they knew what you did in there. And no, the bathroom fan didn’t hide that fact).

8. You we’re just plain boring
Remember those insane stories you told that made us all laugh and cry at the same time. Oh wait, that wasn’t you. That was cable TV. The only creature dumb enough to listen to your boring stories was the family dog. But let’s face it, the dog only stuck around because you fenced in the yard like some sort of canine concentration camp. Believe me, if the dog knew what Zyklon B was it would have spent most of its days frantically pawing at the shower faucet.

7.) Your job sucked
Your career entailed doing something that required less brain power than huffing glue. In fact, you would have been replaced by technology years ago if HR remembered you still worked there. But don’t worry, the minute you’re found dead in front of a monitor you’ll be replaced with one of literally 6 billion other people whose dreams were crushed after high-school.

6.)  People thought you were already dead
Honestly, everyone just assumed you died a long time ago. And it didn’t really phase them at that time either. Probably because you hid in your fart soaked room while everyone else was living life. The last contact you had with reality was when the delivery guy dropped off your meal of mutant chicken and phlegm. And he even just assumed you were going to choke to death on one of the pubic hairs he hid in your food.

5.) You looked nondescript and bland
There are beautiful people who seem to flow through life on a river of charm and happiness. And then there was you; drunkenly meandering through the backstreets of life on a stolen BMX bike of shame. Even if someone glued $100 bills to your coat and taped a police siren to your head you still would have been invisible in a crowd of 5 people.

4.) You were too opinionated
When confronted with an issue you didn’t just stand idly by. You rolled up your sleeves, buckled down and had a shrieking tantrum about it. You seemed to have a problem with everything that wasn’t directly attached to your own misinformed opinions. After a lifetime of being treated like Chris Brown at a battered woman’s shelter you should have learned enough about human body language to know when to hang yourself with a belt.

3.)  You had creepy hobbies
Everyone has hobbies. Some people’s involve playing team sports, or poker, or video games. Other people’s involve wearing furry costumes and getting gang banged by a team of cartoon dog’s high on Viagra and poppers. Hey, everyone has different tastes. But in the genetic soup of humanity, your hobbies make you the equivalent of a dried cat turd being tossed into a half decent spaghetti sauce.

2.) You didn’t do anything special
Getting a job that pays the national average, watching your wife get fat and punishing your liver with 60 years of the cheapest canned beer isn’t newspaper worthy. Let’s face it, while other people were out revolutionizing our world you were sucking down Cheetos and trying to decide if you should lick your fingers even though you didn’t wash your hands after taking a dump.

1.) You wasted your life on the internet
Bad news, the thousands of hours you poured into making an internet blog wasn’t the best choice when it came to creating a lasting legacy, especially because you were less successful than burnt hair flavored Gelato. Enjoy the sewer your family will dump your body down.

Listening to video game music not only labels you as a chronic masturbator with a compulsive eating habit but proves to the world that you live a sad life based off of stupid entertainment for small children. Take a walk down memory lane as The Naked Robber points out the obvious with a list of the best video game music from the 90′s.

10.) Half Life
Released: 1998
Composer: Kelly Bailey

If you’re one of the most popular games in modern history then the odds are you’ve got an equally awesome soundtrack. The music in Half Life was filled with energetic break beats and paced faster than your first disappointing sexual experience. Like Sauvignon Blanc and strong cheddar, this music paired perfectly alongside smashing in a freaky alien’s skull with a crowbar. That’s right, I used a wine and cheese combination as an analogy for Half Life and it’s music. I’m all cultured and shit.

9.) StarCraft
Released: 1998
Composer: Derek Duke, Jason Hayes, Glenn Stafford

I think that the most bad ass sentence my hateful fingers could possibly type is: ‘Wailing sci-fi metal riffs back dropped against a war of clashing galactic superpowers.’ This concisely defines the musical journey you will experience when playing Starcraft and pretending not to care that you haven’t touched a pair of boobs since Pogo Balls were still cool.

8.) Super Mario World
Released: 1990
Composer: Koji Kondo

The first 16-bit entry in the Super Mario franchise exploded with not only improved graphics but killer melodies that will without question get stuck in your head worse than the q-tip that went missing back in high school. Koji Kondo delivers huge with some of the most frolic inducing music that will give even the most miserable, anti social nerds a reason not to stick their head in an oven for one more day.

7.) Mega Man 3
Released: 1990
Composer: Yasuaki Fujita

A true testament to the diversity in sound that you can get out of an 8-bit NES microprocessor. Right from the start screen it set the tone for a futurist world ruled by angry robots sporting homo-erotic names like Hard Man. We were treated to a great selection of surprisingly catchy tunes. In time, these could easily be played on piano by the class nerd who smelled like cheese made from a bucket of rat milk. We enjoyed listening to his rendition of these Mega Man gems almost as much as we enjoyed forcing that chubby loser to eat dog shit on the playground.

6.) Command and Conquer: Red Alert
Released: 1996
Composer: Frank Klepacki

What did I learn from this game? Ethnic cleansing is easy when your German Sheppards can run faster than the fleeing women and children. It’s most popular song was a heavy metal track infused with nationalist zeal from the cold war. The aptly titled Hell March was an integral part of one of the greatest strategy games ever made. Additionally, this game was voted as having the best soundtrack of 1996 by PC Gamer, and when it comes to knowing the exact opposite of what a boob feels like, these guys don’t mess around.

5.) Ultima VII
Released: 1992
Composer: Dana Glover

Other than the five knuckle shuffle and crying into a blanket, one of the crucial staples of many RPG nerds from the early 90′s was playing Ultima VII. One of the most underrated elements of this great game is the music which is as important to it as an all-you-can-eat buffet is to Kevin Smith. From the Fellowship theme to the haunting chapel music in Trinsic, this game has some of the most memorable melodies you could possibly ask for.

4.) The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Released: 1992
Composer: Koji Kondo

A Link to the Past’s launch date was more significant than the time that Jewish guy Jesse got stapled to a couple two by fours in Iraq or whatever. The atmosphere goes from adventurous to eerie thanks largely to the contrast in music between the light world and dark world which parallels to when you get home from a hard days work at the Children’s hospital and punch your wife in the lips for talking during “Dog The Bounty Hunter.”

3.) Final Fantasy IV
Released: 1991
Composer: Nobuo Uematsu

I’m going to try and make this sound as least gay as possible. Final Fantasy IV has one of the most intense stories available in any game with elements of love, betrayal, guilt and war. To go with this are some of the sickest power ballads ever produced. Yes, I used the word love. Don’t judge me you spoony bard, go crawl back in your cave.

2.) Total Annihilation
Released: 1997
Composer: Jeremy Soule

This music is burned deeper into my memory than the time I swore on a stack of bibles, in front of a jury, that I didn’t hit that homeless guy with my car and washed the blood off with a gas station squeegee. The plot revolved around a galaxy destroying clash between humans and the terrifyingly powerful machines they once enslaved. If the music was anything but spectacular I would have been more disappointed than an adopted ginger kid at Christmas. It won Best Music of 1997 from Gamespy and was miles above its competition of unoriginal techno soundtracks created by fat nerds who sucked on sticks of butter like they were popsicles.

1.) Super Metroid
Released: 1994
Composer: Minako Hamano

Super Metroid’s music helped create an atmosphere that was lonelier than the fat chick I refused to dance with and left crying on the bleachers at my grade eight dance. Thanks to this hauntingly dark soundtrack each area of planet Zebes was accompanied by its own unique melody. The deep caverns of Norfair sported a heavy, ominous tone. The lush, storm filled surface had a more adventurous theme and the intro song was creepier than the pile of rolled up crusty socks you keep stuffed behind your computer. Perhaps if your life had a soundtrack this good then regularly crawling into a cold, empty bed might produce slightly less night terrors about being molested by your camp counselor.

Every creature in this world has a job to do. This is true for the lowly ant dragging bits of sugar around and also for the middle aged immigrant women who scrapes the dried shit off the bathroom wall at McDonald’s. The work we do might not be fun but it’s what we were born for. So quit bitching about the shitty chairs at the office and take a minute to absorb these 10 reasons why you’re what people laugh about in the break room:

10.) You complain about work constantly
Your description of work begins with a factory that smashes puppies into a liquid drink and ends with the boss raping your grandmother. The reality is that you spend all day sitting at a desk trying to think of clever Facebook updates in the hopes of impressing the girls from high school that wouldn’t touch your dick. Your job isn’t tough. We all know it. So quit acting like you have it harder than a black man born before 1980.

9.)Everyone else at your office is friends
There is always someone at work who people don’t like. Can’t think of a single person who the office doesn’t get along with? Well surprise, surprise, it’s probably you. It could be because you bring a fluffy little rat to work that runs around pissing on the carpet, or it could be because the tuna sandwiches you eat at your desk smell like an old suitcase stuffed with hitchhikers’ feet. Try acting more likable than a stick of turd flavored gum and maybe we’ll invite you out to lunch for once.

8.) You brag about being irreplaceable
Think you’re invaluable to the office? So did the 20 people your boss just fired on a whim because his wife hit menopause and she’s taking her anger out by depriving him access to a vagina. You can always be replaced. And if you’re one of those people who says ‘they can’t replace me because no one else understands how to do my job’ then god help you, because that’s the job where they lay you off and replace your desk with a potted plant.

7.) You’re never friends with the boss
You come in late, leave early and have the personality of a sack of potatoes. The B.O. blasting out from your pits could be used to pressure wash graffiti off of city walls. In fact, you’re lucky that everyone else you know doesn’t hate you. Solve this problem in one of two ways; stop acting like a spoiled brat or go ‘New York Minute’ yourself out of a 20th story window.

6.) Your think you’re better than this
Oh, you have a masters in English? Well how about you go make me a master coffee you intern. Do you know why offices take you on as an unpaid intern? Because slavery is illegal. That’s the only thing separating your useless and inexperienced brain from a world filled with chains and cotton plants. While you’re at it, stop pretending you can tell everyone how to do their job better than they have. While you were learning that it’s fun to play with your swim suit area, these people were doing real work.

5.) You act like the world owes you a raise
If raises were handed out for picking your nose discretely or growing stretch marks on your ass then this might be true. Unfortunately, showing up to work late and then letting the day slowly limp along like a hobo with gout doesn’t qualify you for more pay. So quit acting like what you do is invaluable and get back to work you rotten bag of sadness.

4.) You don’t care about education
It’s true you don’t need formal training to get that sweet gig. Your lack of certified skill is what makes you special. In fact, you are unique because you have a resume identical to every other half-baked retard that the high school system barfed out. The only things you’re really qualified to do are: masturbate alone in the shower and accidentally pee on the seat of the toilet. Go back to school and try to learn something so you’re at least qualified to dig that ditch.

3.) You hate going to work
Ever fantasized about stepping in front of a bus so you could avoid going into work? No? Really? Because we fantasize about a bus hitting you all the time… Well here’s the truth: working sucks. Like a prostitute with obsessive compulsive disorder, it won’t stop sucking until all the fun parts have long since shriveled up. Fortunately you’ve only got about 30 more years until your life ends with you having a heart attack alone in a dingy bathtub clutching an old porn mag and your shattered childhood dreams.

2.) You act like you’re more important than air
Congratulations, you’ve found a job you’re good at. So has every other living organism on the planet. This puts you on par with all the creatures that know their purpose like city workers, politicians and the aids virus.

1.) You don’t even have a job
If you want to stick your dick in something other than a rolled up sock you might want to consider getting at least one skill valuable to society… like putting a gun in your mouth.