The Naked Robber is back and with a list of the best video game tunes from the decade that helped deform you into the unemployed hermit you are today. I suggest listening to these with headphones on so that the people around you don’t think you are an overgrown child who refuses to grow up and act like a big boy.

10.) Blades of Steel
Released: 1987

The best thing about this classic is that after almost a quarter century it’s remained the best hockey video game ever developed regardless of the fact it’s nearly as old as the colony of petrified snot on the underside of your desk. The music has an inspirational tone that could also be used to motivate your average gamer to drop a hundred pounds, wear deodorant and venture into the sunlight in the hopes of meeting a girl and not dieing a scared virgin.

9.) 1943: The Battle of Midway
Released: 1987

The Japanese are good at lots of things, like having terribly repressed sex lives and groping underage girls on the subway. Unfortunately, they’re not so good at winning wars. So, what better way to show this to the world than by creating a video game that demonstrates how miserably bad they were in WW2. Sit back and enjoy music as grandiose as the NES’s 8-bit sound can produce. Then take to the skies and shoot down the men who valiantly sacrificed their lives so Japanese teens everywhere could one day marry cartoon drawings printed on pillows.

8.) California Games
Released: 1987

This game was great at helping obese nerds of the 1980′s pretend they were sponsored athletes who could take their shirts off without hiding in the bathroom. Whether you were playing BMX, foot Bag or half Pipe there was some catchy beats to accompany each event except for my personal favorite ‘long distance cartridge tossing’ when you couldn’t figure out how in the name of christ to get any points in surfing.

7.) RC PRO AM
Released: 1988

As a kid, the only race you were pro at is one that involved a tube of moisturizer and your parents being home in 5 minutes. Only in the 80′s could you walk into a board room and announce you’re going to make a video game about racing RC cars, or a movie about a child who magically looks older and then is raped by his coworker at a toy company.

6.) Jackal
Released: 1986

Jackal’s soundtrack was the perfect backdrop to bombing around in a Jeep, running over bad guys and littering the ground with grenades like McDonald’s wrappers on the highway. This music sounds great while off roading in the desert gunning down women and children, it might lose its charm when reality sinks in and you’re trying to look cool in your 1994 Cavalier, looking for women with standards as low as yours.

5.) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out
Released: 1987

The best part about Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is that you can act prejudice towards weird foreigners and perform violent hate crimes without the hassle of cutting holes in your bed sheets and carrying around kerosene and rope. Punch Out delivered not only excellent gameplay for its time but awesome music you can listen to while you aspire towards becoming a champ like Mike Tyson and using your incredible strength to rape women and eat Lennox Lewis’ children.

4.) Contra
Released: 1987

There are two types of gamers in the world. Those who liked Contra and those who cried about it until they shit their pants in grade six. It’s safe to say you are probably the latter which means your opinion has no value when asked about the sound track to gunning down Red Falcon. The music of Contra has an intense theme synchronized perfectly to the slaughter of aliens and the intense rage that builds up inside you when you think about your ex-wife who left you for a real man who doesn’t need to use the Konami code to beat the game.

3.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Released: 1989

This game was released in the NES’s hay day, back when video games based off cartoons were awesome and AIDS hadn’t yet been invented by the government. Supported by a wacky collection of songs, TMNT combined everything you loved and hated about the NES era; funky style, cool characters and level design that was so frustrating it caused male pattern baldness in 8 year olds.

2.) Bubble Bobble
Released: 1986

Every time you hear this classic melody you fondly think of bubbles, little baby dinosaurs and the time you were horrified to discover Boy George was actually a boy and you ripped all his posters off your wall. Very few jingles are as catchy and memorable as Bubble Bobble and it’s one of the few games you and your make-believe girlfriend can actually agree on.

1.) Ninja Gaiden
Released: 1988

Widely regarded as having one of the best soundtracks in the 80′s gaming era, the music of Ninja Gaiden was inspiring, with a soft melodramatic introduction that led into hypnotic rhythms. Unfortunately, everything after the title screen was more difficult than trying to get your 30 year old virgin friend laid. If you find yourself nursing a bruised fist while trying to talk your wife into unlocking the bathroom door, you might want to look back at the psychological damage this games difficulty did to you.

Listening to video game music not only labels you as a chronic masturbator with a compulsive eating habit but proves to the world that you live a sad life based off of stupid entertainment for small children. Take a walk down memory lane as The Naked Robber points out the obvious with a list of the best video game music from the 90′s.

10.) Half Life
Released: 1998
Composer: Kelly Bailey

If you’re one of the most popular games in modern history then the odds are you’ve got an equally awesome soundtrack. The music in Half Life was filled with energetic break beats and paced faster than your first disappointing sexual experience. Like Sauvignon Blanc and strong cheddar, this music paired perfectly alongside smashing in a freaky alien’s skull with a crowbar. That’s right, I used a wine and cheese combination as an analogy for Half Life and it’s music. I’m all cultured and shit.

9.) StarCraft
Released: 1998
Composer: Derek Duke, Jason Hayes, Glenn Stafford

I think that the most bad ass sentence my hateful fingers could possibly type is: ‘Wailing sci-fi metal riffs back dropped against a war of clashing galactic superpowers.’ This concisely defines the musical journey you will experience when playing Starcraft and pretending not to care that you haven’t touched a pair of boobs since Pogo Balls were still cool.

8.) Super Mario World
Released: 1990
Composer: Koji Kondo

The first 16-bit entry in the Super Mario franchise exploded with not only improved graphics but killer melodies that will without question get stuck in your head worse than the q-tip that went missing back in high school. Koji Kondo delivers huge with some of the most frolic inducing music that will give even the most miserable, anti social nerds a reason not to stick their head in an oven for one more day.

7.) Mega Man 3
Released: 1990
Composer: Yasuaki Fujita

A true testament to the diversity in sound that you can get out of an 8-bit NES microprocessor. Right from the start screen it set the tone for a futurist world ruled by angry robots sporting homo-erotic names like Hard Man. We were treated to a great selection of surprisingly catchy tunes. In time, these could easily be played on piano by the class nerd who smelled like cheese made from a bucket of rat milk. We enjoyed listening to his rendition of these Mega Man gems almost as much as we enjoyed forcing that chubby loser to eat dog shit on the playground.

6.) Command and Conquer: Red Alert
Released: 1996
Composer: Frank Klepacki

What did I learn from this game? Ethnic cleansing is easy when your German Sheppards can run faster than the fleeing women and children. It’s most popular song was a heavy metal track infused with nationalist zeal from the cold war. The aptly titled Hell March was an integral part of one of the greatest strategy games ever made. Additionally, this game was voted as having the best soundtrack of 1996 by PC Gamer, and when it comes to knowing the exact opposite of what a boob feels like, these guys don’t mess around.

5.) Ultima VII
Released: 1992
Composer: Dana Glover

Other than the five knuckle shuffle and crying into a blanket, one of the crucial staples of many RPG nerds from the early 90′s was playing Ultima VII. One of the most underrated elements of this great game is the music which is as important to it as an all-you-can-eat buffet is to Kevin Smith. From the Fellowship theme to the haunting chapel music in Trinsic, this game has some of the most memorable melodies you could possibly ask for.

4.) The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Released: 1992
Composer: Koji Kondo

A Link to the Past’s launch date was more significant than the time that Jewish guy Jesse got stapled to a couple two by fours in Iraq or whatever. The atmosphere goes from adventurous to eerie thanks largely to the contrast in music between the light world and dark world which parallels to when you get home from a hard days work at the Children’s hospital and punch your wife in the lips for talking during “Dog The Bounty Hunter.”

3.) Final Fantasy IV
Released: 1991
Composer: Nobuo Uematsu

I’m going to try and make this sound as least gay as possible. Final Fantasy IV has one of the most intense stories available in any game with elements of love, betrayal, guilt and war. To go with this are some of the sickest power ballads ever produced. Yes, I used the word love. Don’t judge me you spoony bard, go crawl back in your cave.

2.) Total Annihilation
Released: 1997
Composer: Jeremy Soule

This music is burned deeper into my memory than the time I swore on a stack of bibles, in front of a jury, that I didn’t hit that homeless guy with my car and washed the blood off with a gas station squeegee. The plot revolved around a galaxy destroying clash between humans and the terrifyingly powerful machines they once enslaved. If the music was anything but spectacular I would have been more disappointed than an adopted ginger kid at Christmas. It won Best Music of 1997 from Gamespy and was miles above its competition of unoriginal techno soundtracks created by fat nerds who sucked on sticks of butter like they were popsicles.

1.) Super Metroid
Released: 1994
Composer: Minako Hamano

Super Metroid’s music helped create an atmosphere that was lonelier than the fat chick I refused to dance with and left crying on the bleachers at my grade eight dance. Thanks to this hauntingly dark soundtrack each area of planet Zebes was accompanied by its own unique melody. The deep caverns of Norfair sported a heavy, ominous tone. The lush, storm filled surface had a more adventurous theme and the intro song was creepier than the pile of rolled up crusty socks you keep stuffed behind your computer. Perhaps if your life had a soundtrack this good then regularly crawling into a cold, empty bed might produce slightly less night terrors about being molested by your camp counselor.

Every creature in this world has a job to do. This is true for the lowly ant dragging bits of sugar around and also for the middle aged immigrant women who scrapes the dried shit off the bathroom wall at McDonald’s. The work we do might not be fun but it’s what we were born for. So quit bitching about the shitty chairs at the office and take a minute to absorb these 10 reasons why you’re what people laugh about in the break room:

10.) You complain about work constantly
Your description of work begins with a factory that smashes puppies into a liquid drink and ends with the boss raping your grandmother. The reality is that you spend all day sitting at a desk trying to think of clever Facebook updates in the hopes of impressing the girls from high school that wouldn’t touch your dick. Your job isn’t tough. We all know it. So quit acting like you have it harder than a black man born before 1980.

9.)Everyone else at your office is friends
There is always someone at work who people don’t like. Can’t think of a single person who the office doesn’t get along with? Well surprise, surprise, it’s probably you. It could be because you bring a fluffy little rat to work that runs around pissing on the carpet, or it could be because the tuna sandwiches you eat at your desk smell like an old suitcase stuffed with hitchhikers’ feet. Try acting more likable than a stick of turd flavored gum and maybe we’ll invite you out to lunch for once.

8.) You brag about being irreplaceable
Think you’re invaluable to the office? So did the 20 people your boss just fired on a whim because his wife hit menopause and she’s taking her anger out by depriving him access to a vagina. You can always be replaced. And if you’re one of those people who says ‘they can’t replace me because no one else understands how to do my job’ then god help you, because that’s the job where they lay you off and replace your desk with a potted plant.

7.) You’re never friends with the boss
You come in late, leave early and have the personality of a sack of potatoes. The B.O. blasting out from your pits could be used to pressure wash graffiti off of city walls. In fact, you’re lucky that everyone else you know doesn’t hate you. Solve this problem in one of two ways; stop acting like a spoiled brat or go ‘New York Minute’ yourself out of a 20th story window.

6.) Your think you’re better than this
Oh, you have a masters in English? Well how about you go make me a master coffee you intern. Do you know why offices take you on as an unpaid intern? Because slavery is illegal. That’s the only thing separating your useless and inexperienced brain from a world filled with chains and cotton plants. While you’re at it, stop pretending you can tell everyone how to do their job better than they have. While you were learning that it’s fun to play with your swim suit area, these people were doing real work.

5.) You act like the world owes you a raise
If raises were handed out for picking your nose discretely or growing stretch marks on your ass then this might be true. Unfortunately, showing up to work late and then letting the day slowly limp along like a hobo with gout doesn’t qualify you for more pay. So quit acting like what you do is invaluable and get back to work you rotten bag of sadness.

4.) You don’t care about education
It’s true you don’t need formal training to get that sweet gig. Your lack of certified skill is what makes you special. In fact, you are unique because you have a resume identical to every other half-baked retard that the high school system barfed out. The only things you’re really qualified to do are: masturbate alone in the shower and accidentally pee on the seat of the toilet. Go back to school and try to learn something so you’re at least qualified to dig that ditch.

3.) You hate going to work
Ever fantasized about stepping in front of a bus so you could avoid going into work? No? Really? Because we fantasize about a bus hitting you all the time… Well here’s the truth: working sucks. Like a prostitute with obsessive compulsive disorder, it won’t stop sucking until all the fun parts have long since shriveled up. Fortunately you’ve only got about 30 more years until your life ends with you having a heart attack alone in a dingy bathtub clutching an old porn mag and your shattered childhood dreams.

2.) You act like you’re more important than air
Congratulations, you’ve found a job you’re good at. So has every other living organism on the planet. This puts you on par with all the creatures that know their purpose like city workers, politicians and the aids virus.

1.) You don’t even have a job
If you want to stick your dick in something other than a rolled up sock you might want to consider getting at least one skill valuable to society… like putting a gun in your mouth.