One of my favorite childhood memories that doesn’t involve stealing porn mags from the drug store with my buddy or shooting random shit with my BB gun was staying up late and kicking ass in Final Fantasy IV for the SNES. There is something special about that game that is utterly classic, from the music, to the boss fights, to the incredibly epic story and plot twists. I’ve now played the game far too many times to get any more value out of it, like using the same old fuck sock over and over for years and trying to convince yourself it’s a warm vagina and not a rancid piece of cotton filled with your pubes and STDs. Much like Final Fantasy IV, that story ends with tears.

I do still love all those old Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest games and still get tempted to play any of the ones I may have missed. The style and function that went into those games is now so painfully primitive that they are a bit hard to take seriously in our age of realtime tessellation and advanced muscle rigging. But you know what’s cooler than playing these old shitty games alone on a Saturday night with a sock on your boner? Making them.

Tellah got owned, Cid running like a scared bitch. What rookie was playing this?

There is some pretty awesome software that has been around for quite a few years. If you are a sexually hopeless, old school RPG dork with a lot of time on your hands who hasn’t been introduced to RPGMaker, then hit pause on that Mexican donkey show and go check out www.rpgmakerweb.com. It’s a pretty old line of software that has been released on a number of different platforms since the early 90′s.

It started out as a bit of a gimmick but it’s now starting to feel like a realistic option for developers looking to make their own classic RPG adventure games. The engine is extremely flexible, like the hooker you paid for wild, acrobatic sex and then folded into a suitcase and dumped at the landfill. It allows you to create your own scripts and events to build an extremely unique environment and, if done properly, you can end up with a professional looking game.

The cool thing about RPGMaker is that any mindless slug can make a game…maybe even you! God knows this isn’t something that’s going to make you popular with the ladies or help draw attention away from your giant bald spot but it is still impressive in its own right. RPGMaker comes equipped with tons of preloaded art work for you to create your little worlds with. Or, if you are more ambitious, it enables you to import your own art, sound fx and music to make your game one of a kind.

RPGMaker also permits you to sell and distribute your creations, as long as you don’t tamper with the executable, but it’s not like you know how to do that anyways, primate. That’s like telling a beagle not to drive your car anywhere while you’re out, and realistically the only thing you could make that people would pay money for is a video of you getting mauled by lions. So if you do make a game, you might want to put it in the ‘free downloads’ section of your My Little Pony fan page.

So start focusing your spare time into something bigger and better than adding to the heap of crusty Kleenexes at the foot of your bed. It’s time to prove your family wrong and show them that you aren’t a “lazy dead beat” or a “worthless shit-sniffer who couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and an ass map”. What does dad know anyway? *sniff*

What are the top 10 strategy games of all time? No video game genre is more divisive, perhaps, than strategy games. Games that are hailed as the greatest by some are hated like Tracy Morgan at a gay pride parade by others.  But there are a few gems in the genre that stand out like an attractive girl at an anime convention.

There are perhaps fifty titles that could be on this best strategy games list but I had to narrow it down to just ten. Any game that could be better put into another category such as simulator, space sim, etc I’ve left out. Others that were great but didn’t change the future of the series I opted to leave out for the ones that made us rethink this category. So here it is. The Nakedrobber’s list of the top 10 greatest strategy games to ever grace your geeky, astigmatism-riddled eyes:

The Runner Up.) Tom Clancy’s Endwar (2008)

Tom Clancy stuff is usually reserved for the type of person who owns more assault rifles than books. This may come as a surprise to some, because the game wasn’t a massive retail success, but it deserves to be on the list for one reason: innovation. On top of being a solid tactical RTS with decent graphics, you could issue accurate voice commands and have your troops follow them out. For most strategy gamers, the only social interaction they’ll ever have is this game and maybe the brief moment where the guy in the morgue ties that little tag onto their cold swollen toe. Shouting orders to attack objectives, launch air strikes, deploying units or yelling to fall back to a safer locations is incredible. If you haven’t played this game pick it up for the sheer joy of this one feature alone!

10.) Herzog Zwei (1989)

I'll admit it kinda looks like an anus after a jalapeno eating contest but trust me this game is important

The first strategy game as we know it. If it wasn’t for this game pioneering the genre then millions of Koreans might not have died at their keyboards playing Starcraft. Would this game hold up against the games of today? God no. It would be crushed worse than you after finding out what adoption means. But it deserves to be here in the same way Buzz Aldrin deserves to be remembered as a great astronaut, instead of just an incontinent, useless old fuck. Don’t spend your welfare check buying a genesis to play this game though. Just know that Herzog Zwei pioneered a genre that didn’t really exist before it came along. For that, it’s one of the greatest strategy games of all time.

9.) Advance Wars (2001)

In addition to stopping doors, the DS also includes a little-known feature where you can play games

A good game being released on a handheld is like finding out your prostitute is a post-op transvestite; it’s not a deal breaker, it’s just disappointing. For the most part handheld titles are watered down versions of decent games that usually fail to deliver on what they promise. Advance Wars changed that. Finally a strategy game that made me want to pick up my DS and play it. Great tactics, awesome art and a half decent story. What wasn’t there to like? This game taught us a lesson like only 80′s sports movies can: it showed us not to underestimate the little guy. After Advance Wars, handheld devices were given a series of strategy games and light was brought into that world of sticky, fingerprint covered darkness.

8.) Final Fantasy Tactics (1998)

I instantly regretted inviting this guy to my birthday party...

Proving that Square was more than a one trick pony, Final Fantasy Tactics brought a perfect blend between a strategy game and an RPG. Finally these guys showed the world they could create a game that wasn’t just a metrosexual anime fanboy jerk-fest. It actually had an awesome combat system and even better environments to battle it out in. Like any good Square game it had a deep story that could even rival other Final Fantasy titles. On top of that, it boasted diverse geography from forests to mountain ranges, in a unique 3D environment.

7.) Command & Conquer (1995)

A great setting, diverse array of units, dashes of gore found when running soldiers over with tanks and campy movies with live action actors who set up the missions.  Put it all in a blender and then inject it into a 10 year-old’s eyeball. When I wasn’t trying to figure out what to do with a boner, C&C helped me pass the time in the best way imaginable. The series brought a distinct difference between the two opposing armies of the GDI and Nod and really made you feel you were either fighting for good or supporting the evil cause. C&C also included something that we now consider a must have; it supported multiplayer with up to 4 players.  The nice thing about C&C is that they’re still going on. You can download Red Alert for free at various places online, or pick up a cheap version of the newer games at the website.

6.) Close Combat

Okay, its just some smoke and a few houses. I never promised I was good at finding screen caps.

Almost every boy grows up playing with toy soldiers. Close Combat was one of the first games that took the battles in our imaginations and put them on a computer. This game required actual military tactics that stretched out across an entire campaign.You had to worry about the quality, morale, supplies and stamina of your troops. Eventually, you’d get to know the names of each of the men under your command and would watch them earn medals. This game was incredibly advanced for its time, and revolutionized the strategic capabilities of the genre. The Close Combat fan page is still running. It’s been out longer than the war went on for…

Yes, these are real problems, unlike my constant state of hyper tension or that nagging pain in my chest and arm. I need a new console RPG game to play, but I want it in coop form. Perhaps if times were simpler, I’d be content playing RPG’s on my own and Kevin Smith would be content flying in cargo containers meant to ship large zoo animals but we live in a world where people shouldn’t be forced to settle. I’m excited these games are coming out with coop, but where have they been for the last couple of years?

So where are the great coop RPGs that stole the majority of my teen years and muscle mass? Sure, there are a ton of games being released lately, but like using your girlfriend’s expensive facial moisturizer to help you beat off into a dirty sink something just doesn’t feel right. Dragon Age 1 & 2, Mass Effect 1 & 2, Fallout 3, Oblivion and Torchlight are all perfect examples.

Why has there been a serious drought of exciting coop RPG gaming on console for the past couple of years? I know there is a market for these games out there. Back in the old PC days Baldur’s gate sold over 2 million copies. Diablo sold over 2.5 million copies. I don’t know how many copies Dark Alliance or Champions of Norrath sold on console but they were both given sequels so that’s a good measure that they were popular. Even Gladius, a game that released to relatively small sales, still has a cult following out there crying for a sequel. And it was released years ago!

Why do I want coop? Because everything from video games to relentlessly tormenting the poor kid during recess is better with friends. This is especially true for RPG’s. Let’s face the cold hard truth and accept that playing games on your own can often become more boring than another lecture from your parents about why shouldn’t torture cats.

And don’t tell me to go play WoW. First off, it has nothing to do with consoles. But even if it did, I’d rather play find the Gerbil with Richard Gere than be forced to sit through 5 minutes of that game. The thought of being surrounded by those wretched mouth breathing golems is a bigger turn off than the surprise screening my friend for his home made sex tape. Spoiler alert: I can never look at him again without Vietnam style flashbacks of his disgusting, naked body penetrating his poor girlfriend.

So why you ever not include coop? Many people I know have avoided purchasing many of the latest RPG titles specifically because they didn’t utilize coop. Not having a decent multiplayer component can only hurt the games sales.

There have been some amazing console RPG gems out there that will be solely remembered because they included awesome cooperative battles. Let’s remind ourselves what they were:

1. Secret of Mana
This was probably the last good idea the Japanese had that didn’t involve used panties and vending machines. It was an action RPG for the SNES that could be played with a friend. If you didn’t give this one a whirl it’s probably because your room smelled like wet bed sheets and no other kid wanted to sit in that pee soaked hell hole.

Secret of Mana: You get caught having sex with one rabite...

2. Baldur’s Gate Dark Alliance (Xbox)
This game brought hack and slash to the console with style. If you’re smashing rats to death then it’s a good sign that you’re either playing an homage to classic RPGing or you’re the chef of a Korean restaurant. Thankfully, my memories are of the former.

Dark Alliance: How many nerds had this image burned into their TVs?

3. Gladius (GameCube)
Released in 2003 by LucasArts. This game  had everything we needed: fantastic coop, leveling, strategy and story. Gladius used turn-based tactical RPG elements that incorporated awesome game play mechanics like swing meters. What did swing meters add to the game? Well, let’s just say that maybe if you had a swing meter to help aim you’d be able to stop pissing all over the toilet seat.

Gladius: It's hard to look tough when your head is 8 polygons

4. Champions of Norrath (Playstation 2)
Champions of Norrath was probably the main competitor to Dark Alliance on console at the time. Champions was a little more grown up and included more customization. If Dark Alliance was a gateway drug to console hack and slash games than this one turned out to be the kind of drug that comes in the form of an AIDS infected needle.

Champions: Fantasy monster rape? Start taking notes Japan...

5. The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age
This was the kind of RPG where you stand in a line and select spells or attacks that deal out damage in the form of little numbers floating above an enemies head. If you liked this, then you probably also get a boner reading statistics about infant mortality rates at hospitals. That being said, for what it did it was a great game. Partly because it was a fun coop experience and partly because it was one of the few RPGs where the main character didn’t look like a Japanese transvestite obsessed with holding giant phallic weapons.

My Final Thoughts…

I get it. People are busy, coop games are harder to make and the closest thing you have to a friend is the horrified stranger on the bus watching you eat your own hair. But there must be other people who would love to sit down with a friend, throw on an RPG, crack a beer and smash some orcs heads into guacamole.

Maybe it’s because publishers think the games won’t sell any extra copies with it. Maybe it’s because most apartment buildings aren’t constructed to hold the combined weight of two gamers sitting on the same couch. Or maybe it’s because the community just hasn’t been vocal enough about demanding this feature with their console RPG games. Either way, there is clearly a demand for multiplayer gaming and I need a reason to invite someone over. This place is starting to feel like a crypt what with all the mummified cats lying around.

Lastly, if you’re hungry for even more coop gaming then jump over to www.co-optimus.com. They have a ton of info on all the upcoming coop games and reviews on the ones that are out already. If they didn’t spend so much time updating the site, I’d probably believe they actually have friends to play games with.

If you’ve spent 10 minutes playing Fallout New Vegas, then chances are you’ve already crashed twice, seen people moonwalk through furniture and had your frame rate drop lower than Magic Johnson’s white blood cell count.

Well the good news is Bethseda has just released a patch to fix Fallout New Vegas’ many bugs.

In a statement to Kotaku, Bethseda said, “We are currently working on releasing patches/updates as quickly as possible for Fallout: New Vegas, for all platforms.”

They then followed this by stating they are going to implement some harsh and drastic changes in their QA department: eliminating nap time, taking away the sprinkles at the ice cream bar and extending their work day to a full 3.5 hours.

Nakedrobber.com has obtained a copy of the Bug Fix document and has listed some of the major changes below. According to this document, Bethseda has addressed some of the problems that affected New Vegas and has also found fixes for issues that plagued its predecessor Fallout 3.

Design Fixes

- Many gamers stated that reading in-game books and magazines was a broken feature because it resulted in only a temporary boost to skills. This especially irritated the slack jawed potato farmers in North Dakota who pointed out that they’ve never benefited from reading a book

- Resolved the bug that prevented players from finding and fixing a vehicle to drive around. Tragically, the game was released before this patch could be implemented, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of PC gamers, who died almost instantly at the thought of having to walk somewhere

- Fallout New Vegas was criticized for having money glitches that resulted in items being too expensive, or shopkeepers taking all of your money. This issue has been resolved by repackaging the game as Fallout: Jew Vegas

- Fixed the bug where the game fails to open the world map after you exit a location like in the original Fallout, forcing you to wander around a vast, pointless desert that is more boring than your Grandmother’s eulogy

Graphic Fixes

- Wondering why the game looked like the offspring of Mad Max the movie and an Nintendo 64 cartridge, Bethseda discovered they had accidentally used the Oblivion engine once again to make New Vegas

- Clearly the designers forgot to unlock the animations. They’ve enabled these again, so the game should stop looking like a bunch of inflexible marionettes being controlled by someone with less motor skills than Stephen Hawking

- Many players experienced the horrible camera glitch that made the game appear in First Person mode. Could you imagine playing an entire Fallout game in first person? That would be a huge slap in the face to fans of the original games

- Xbox 360 gamers complained that the death animations were too simple. Many noted that when they had reenacted moments from Grand Theft Auto, while kicking the class nerd to death in the parking lot after school, that there was far more realistic gore

- Added new facial expressions for the people you talk to throughout the game. Making Fallout New Vegas feel less like an adventure into a post apocalyptic world ruled by apathetic, chronically-disinterested people with down syndrome

Are there any other changes you would like to see? Write them down below and we’ll try to forward them to our contact in Bethseda’s QA department…as soon as he finishes chewing on the ends of the manual and licking random stains on the carpet.

Starcraft 2 launched this month, finally giving you a reason to pry away that vice like grip you have on your lonely, abused penis. My thoughts? Starcraft 2 is a good game. I’m enjoying playing it. It’s not a life changing experience like backing over your neighbors 4 year old but it’s still fun. I’m very satisfied with what they delivered. It’s tight, the graphics are solid, the leveling system that Blizzard has introduced makes the single player feel slightly less linear and the whole interface redesign is slicker than the gallons of used motor oil I pour into my neighbor’s creek. So what’s the catch?

The only thing about Starcraft 2 that I have a beef with is the fact that everyone with a penis that hasn’t touched a vagina seems to be talking about this game like it’s descended from the heavens to show us all what true happiness is. I think the gaming world needs to take a deep puff from the communal inhaler and calm down.

What Starcraft 2 does well, it does really well. In fact, it’s exactly what I would have expected from Blizzard… roughly 10 years ago. Was it worth a 13 year wait? Not really because that’s a long time. The game plays like how I imagine Pamela Andseron would be in the sack, still fun but certain things just aren’t holding up like they used to.

Now I’m not saying Starcraft 2 is going to give you Hep C, it just doesn’t do anything to warrant the long wait for what was delivered. And I say that without any condemnation because I am enjoying the game. I just can’t think of a single thing Starcraft 2 does that other games haven’t done earlier or even better. I could be wrong of course but the fact that I can’t say: “Hey, I’ve never seen INSERT FEATURE before!” is kind of a testament to my point. It feels like the game designers were walking on eggshells and trying to update a game without pissing off a legion of hardcore nerds who are already desperate for reasons to not eat themselves into a coma.

Its graphics are solid. They’re not anywhere close to something like Uncharted 2, but they’re slick. Visually, the game is like putting a slutty outfit on your 45 year old wife, she still looks kind of hot in the right light… if the shadows blur out the huge fist sized bruises you left on her arms and cheeks. But it still feels like a game visually designed ten years ago.

The balancing between units is well done. No one unit is perfect and as a result being effective requires making careful combinations of unit choices and upgrades. I’d say that Company of Heroes (2006) does it better by offering more precise combinations of unit types, based on their individual strengths, but Starcraft 2 still does it well in it’s own way.

The unit upgrades are great. Without spoiling anything they’ve added a few new upgrades and tweaked some others. Bear in mind, they’re nothing like the individual squad upgrades available in Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War (2004) but what Blizzard has given us feels about as customizable as the choice of pills the doctor gives you to deal with gonorrhea.

They’ve also beefed up the unit roster to include more types of units than the number of human lips you used to make that belt. You’ve got almost all of your old favorites and a bevy of new units at your control. Sure, you’re not going to get as many different units as Warzone 2100 (1999), but you’ve still got about as many units to play with as your mom has vibrators tucked into her sock drawer.

You can now control more units than ever, which is especially important if you’re a fan of the Zerg rush (aka spending Friday nights at home alone trying to take your mind off the questionable porn you accidentally stumbled on that weirdly aroused you). Of course, you won’t be battling out with armies consisting of thousands of men like in Empire Total War (2009), but you still get a couple hundred which is a decent enough offering.

And if you’re one of the few Koreans who hasn’t yet been jailed for letting your infant starve, while you feed your compulsive video game addiction, then you’ll enjoy the new Battlenet. You can immediately start working towards various unlockable profile picture images, etc. It’s an achievement point system nearly identical to something like Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 (2009). After all, the only person worth impressing in life is your 12 year old internet opponent who’s firing off racist insults and calling you a “GH3y N00B R3tardz!!1″

All in all it is a very good game. Sure, it didn’t make a fantastic crossover from a first person series to a strategy game like Halo Wars, and maybe it didn’t include new technology like the voice recognition system in Tom Clancy’s Endwar (2008). Okay, it didn’t come close to the incredible tactical experience of Rome: Total War (2004). And nor did it take us into an amazing new strategy setting like Homeworld (1999). So what if you can’t take your armies through hundreds of years of evolution like Age of Empires (1997)? These things don’t detract from making Starcraft 2 a good game.

And that’s exactly what it is. A good game. Were all the games I mentioned above amazingly great games? Not all of them, but some of them I’d say ‘hell yeah they were.’ They were great because they made significant changes to the Strategy genre, or because they advanced the evolution of video games, or because they took a risk and just went with it. As Lead developer for Starcraft 2, Dustin Browder, said “We’re not trying to be innovative.”

Look, good games don’t necessarily have to do something unique and stylish and inventive and super creative… but great games do. Starcraft 2 is a good game, with great marketing.

Listening to video game music not only labels you as a chronic masturbator with a compulsive eating habit but proves to the world that you live a sad life based off of stupid entertainment for small children. Take a walk down memory lane as The Naked Robber points out the obvious with a list of the best video game music from the 90′s.

10.) Half Life
Released: 1998
Composer: Kelly Bailey

If you’re one of the most popular games in modern history then the odds are you’ve got an equally awesome soundtrack. The music in Half Life was filled with energetic break beats and paced faster than your first disappointing sexual experience. Like Sauvignon Blanc and strong cheddar, this music paired perfectly alongside smashing in a freaky alien’s skull with a crowbar. That’s right, I used a wine and cheese combination as an analogy for Half Life and it’s music. I’m all cultured and shit.

9.) StarCraft
Released: 1998
Composer: Derek Duke, Jason Hayes, Glenn Stafford

I think that the most bad ass sentence my hateful fingers could possibly type is: ‘Wailing sci-fi metal riffs back dropped against a war of clashing galactic superpowers.’ This concisely defines the musical journey you will experience when playing Starcraft and pretending not to care that you haven’t touched a pair of boobs since Pogo Balls were still cool.

8.) Super Mario World
Released: 1990
Composer: Koji Kondo

The first 16-bit entry in the Super Mario franchise exploded with not only improved graphics but killer melodies that will without question get stuck in your head worse than the q-tip that went missing back in high school. Koji Kondo delivers huge with some of the most frolic inducing music that will give even the most miserable, anti social nerds a reason not to stick their head in an oven for one more day.

7.) Mega Man 3
Released: 1990
Composer: Yasuaki Fujita

A true testament to the diversity in sound that you can get out of an 8-bit NES microprocessor. Right from the start screen it set the tone for a futurist world ruled by angry robots sporting homo-erotic names like Hard Man. We were treated to a great selection of surprisingly catchy tunes. In time, these could easily be played on piano by the class nerd who smelled like cheese made from a bucket of rat milk. We enjoyed listening to his rendition of these Mega Man gems almost as much as we enjoyed forcing that chubby loser to eat dog shit on the playground.

6.) Command and Conquer: Red Alert
Released: 1996
Composer: Frank Klepacki

What did I learn from this game? Ethnic cleansing is easy when your German Sheppards can run faster than the fleeing women and children. It’s most popular song was a heavy metal track infused with nationalist zeal from the cold war. The aptly titled Hell March was an integral part of one of the greatest strategy games ever made. Additionally, this game was voted as having the best soundtrack of 1996 by PC Gamer, and when it comes to knowing the exact opposite of what a boob feels like, these guys don’t mess around.

5.) Ultima VII
Released: 1992
Composer: Dana Glover

Other than the five knuckle shuffle and crying into a blanket, one of the crucial staples of many RPG nerds from the early 90′s was playing Ultima VII. One of the most underrated elements of this great game is the music which is as important to it as an all-you-can-eat buffet is to Kevin Smith. From the Fellowship theme to the haunting chapel music in Trinsic, this game has some of the most memorable melodies you could possibly ask for.

4.) The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Released: 1992
Composer: Koji Kondo

A Link to the Past’s launch date was more significant than the time that Jewish guy Jesse got stapled to a couple two by fours in Iraq or whatever. The atmosphere goes from adventurous to eerie thanks largely to the contrast in music between the light world and dark world which parallels to when you get home from a hard days work at the Children’s hospital and punch your wife in the lips for talking during “Dog The Bounty Hunter.”

3.) Final Fantasy IV
Released: 1991
Composer: Nobuo Uematsu

I’m going to try and make this sound as least gay as possible. Final Fantasy IV has one of the most intense stories available in any game with elements of love, betrayal, guilt and war. To go with this are some of the sickest power ballads ever produced. Yes, I used the word love. Don’t judge me you spoony bard, go crawl back in your cave.

2.) Total Annihilation
Released: 1997
Composer: Jeremy Soule

This music is burned deeper into my memory than the time I swore on a stack of bibles, in front of a jury, that I didn’t hit that homeless guy with my car and washed the blood off with a gas station squeegee. The plot revolved around a galaxy destroying clash between humans and the terrifyingly powerful machines they once enslaved. If the music was anything but spectacular I would have been more disappointed than an adopted ginger kid at Christmas. It won Best Music of 1997 from Gamespy and was miles above its competition of unoriginal techno soundtracks created by fat nerds who sucked on sticks of butter like they were popsicles.

1.) Super Metroid
Released: 1994
Composer: Minako Hamano

Super Metroid’s music helped create an atmosphere that was lonelier than the fat chick I refused to dance with and left crying on the bleachers at my grade eight dance. Thanks to this hauntingly dark soundtrack each area of planet Zebes was accompanied by its own unique melody. The deep caverns of Norfair sported a heavy, ominous tone. The lush, storm filled surface had a more adventurous theme and the intro song was creepier than the pile of rolled up crusty socks you keep stuffed behind your computer. Perhaps if your life had a soundtrack this good then regularly crawling into a cold, empty bed might produce slightly less night terrors about being molested by your camp counselor.

Every creature in this world has a job to do. This is true for the lowly ant dragging bits of sugar around and also for the middle aged immigrant women who scrapes the dried shit off the bathroom wall at McDonald’s. The work we do might not be fun but it’s what we were born for. So quit bitching about the shitty chairs at the office and take a minute to absorb these 10 reasons why you’re what people laugh about in the break room:

10.) You complain about work constantly
Your description of work begins with a factory that smashes puppies into a liquid drink and ends with the boss raping your grandmother. The reality is that you spend all day sitting at a desk trying to think of clever Facebook updates in the hopes of impressing the girls from high school that wouldn’t touch your dick. Your job isn’t tough. We all know it. So quit acting like you have it harder than a black man born before 1980.

9.)Everyone else at your office is friends
There is always someone at work who people don’t like. Can’t think of a single person who the office doesn’t get along with? Well surprise, surprise, it’s probably you. It could be because you bring a fluffy little rat to work that runs around pissing on the carpet, or it could be because the tuna sandwiches you eat at your desk smell like an old suitcase stuffed with hitchhikers’ feet. Try acting more likable than a stick of turd flavored gum and maybe we’ll invite you out to lunch for once.

8.) You brag about being irreplaceable
Think you’re invaluable to the office? So did the 20 people your boss just fired on a whim because his wife hit menopause and she’s taking her anger out by depriving him access to a vagina. You can always be replaced. And if you’re one of those people who says ‘they can’t replace me because no one else understands how to do my job’ then god help you, because that’s the job where they lay you off and replace your desk with a potted plant.

7.) You’re never friends with the boss
You come in late, leave early and have the personality of a sack of potatoes. The B.O. blasting out from your pits could be used to pressure wash graffiti off of city walls. In fact, you’re lucky that everyone else you know doesn’t hate you. Solve this problem in one of two ways; stop acting like a spoiled brat or go ‘New York Minute’ yourself out of a 20th story window.

6.) Your think you’re better than this
Oh, you have a masters in English? Well how about you go make me a master coffee you intern. Do you know why offices take you on as an unpaid intern? Because slavery is illegal. That’s the only thing separating your useless and inexperienced brain from a world filled with chains and cotton plants. While you’re at it, stop pretending you can tell everyone how to do their job better than they have. While you were learning that it’s fun to play with your swim suit area, these people were doing real work.

5.) You act like the world owes you a raise
If raises were handed out for picking your nose discretely or growing stretch marks on your ass then this might be true. Unfortunately, showing up to work late and then letting the day slowly limp along like a hobo with gout doesn’t qualify you for more pay. So quit acting like what you do is invaluable and get back to work you rotten bag of sadness.

4.) You don’t care about education
It’s true you don’t need formal training to get that sweet gig. Your lack of certified skill is what makes you special. In fact, you are unique because you have a resume identical to every other half-baked retard that the high school system barfed out. The only things you’re really qualified to do are: masturbate alone in the shower and accidentally pee on the seat of the toilet. Go back to school and try to learn something so you’re at least qualified to dig that ditch.

3.) You hate going to work
Ever fantasized about stepping in front of a bus so you could avoid going into work? No? Really? Because we fantasize about a bus hitting you all the time… Well here’s the truth: working sucks. Like a prostitute with obsessive compulsive disorder, it won’t stop sucking until all the fun parts have long since shriveled up. Fortunately you’ve only got about 30 more years until your life ends with you having a heart attack alone in a dingy bathtub clutching an old porn mag and your shattered childhood dreams.

2.) You act like you’re more important than air
Congratulations, you’ve found a job you’re good at. So has every other living organism on the planet. This puts you on par with all the creatures that know their purpose like city workers, politicians and the aids virus.

1.) You don’t even have a job
If you want to stick your dick in something other than a rolled up sock you might want to consider getting at least one skill valuable to society… like putting a gun in your mouth.

An 80′s kid like me, who only got a new video game once a year at Christmas, can appreciate the fact that today I can cram every single console game ever developed from 1980 till 1995 onto a storage device smaller than a 30 year old virgins will to live. With the aid of incredible software such as ZSNES, NesterJ, Fusion and many others, we can play any of our childhood favorites without the headache of unreliable electronics, sticky cartridges and a tangled mess of cables that are tempting to hang ourselves with thanks to the great effort of many lonely people who sadly spent their Saturday nights speaking binary while the rest of us were out meeting girls and having sex.

I think it’s safe to say that our generation is the only one that can truly appreciate this. Our parents don’t understand because they grew up with 8-tracks and rotary phones and are still impressed with microwaves and FM radio for Christ’s sake. Most kids these days are born with a DS in hand and take for granted the fact that they can sit comfortably with a laptop, that has more power than the sun, and play retardedly advanced video games, stream amazing HD porn, and make cracked out web cam girls do horrendous things with popsicles all at the same time.

When exactly did it become the future? This is almost better than what ‘Back to the Future 2′ promised us. Do the little bastard kids of today realize that we played our games on rudimentary cartridges and had to fucking blow on them to make them work? Or that our controllers had two buttons, a stubby cord and you had to sit in the same room as your asshole friend, who made the paint peel with his farts, if you wanted to play co-op (or ’2 player’ as we called it then). We had to lift our Mom’s credit card and call a 1-800 number if we needed any sort of game tips or else phone the kid down the street who had a Nintendo Power subscription.

In my day, the amount of Nintendo games in your library usually had a big influence on your social status. Having a Power Glove and a dozen games was enough of a reason for people to call even the fattest, red-headed kid a friend and relieve his parents of the fear that their child is a pathetic loner who will one day snap and drive an unmarked rapist van through a crowded market.

Can you imagine if in the 1980′s you suddenly had access to the resources we have today? At the time I was more than happy to rent some crap NES game like ‘Jackal’ from the local video store for the weekend. If someone from the future of the 21st century came back in time and gave me a hacked PSP packed with 3500 games for every console of the next 10 years, completely equipped with a ton of emulators and for fun, a detailed list of all my classmates who grew up to be dead beats, pedophiles and cross dressing homosexuals — it would be the ultimate show and tell. I would have literally been speechless and just ran in circles, shrieking like a hobo stuffed feet first in a wood chipper, until I collapsed from exhaustion.

Possibly the most impressive aspect of video game emulation is that you can play nearly any arcade game in existence from the comfort of your own home. For the people who practically grew up at the arcade and actually left their house to play games, it is quite the novelty. Don’t you remember how much better arcade games looked in comparison to the home console edition? Better frame rate and higher resolution. Of course everything’s crap now in hind sight, but thanks to the people of MAME, we can play long lost classic arcade games at home without paying a quarter for 20 seconds of game play and being confined to 300 pound cabinets that could only be found in dumpy movie theaters or seedy corner stores where people get shot and raped.

If you have a sliver of ambition and a bit of know-how, you can actually put your pudgy arms to work and build your own home arcade cabinet. Whether you modify an old existing cabinet or build one from scratch, all of the parts are available online to create your own MAME system that will play practically any arcade game you could possibly remember. In the coming months, The Naked Robber will be showing all of you lazy, hateful sloths how to build your own arcade system from scratch. Your friends might even come visit for better reasons other than looking for your shapeless corpse months after choking to death on a chicken bone.

If Square Enix was a convicted, child molesting uncle then the Mana franchise is the kid who grew up to be a sexually repressed meth head who ends up in a suit case at the bottom of a river.

In 1993, Square Enix released a RPG that turned out to be the must play game of the year, Secret of Mana (Seiken Densetsu 2 in Japan). For years it has been a cherished fan favorite that has been added to countless best game lists. Being a three player co-op experience set it apart from most RPG’s, but unfortunately that feature was rarely taken advantage of since the only person who owned a Multitap was that fat, red-headed kid who smelled like baloney and never got invited to any birthday parties.

Here we are, 17 years later and a half dozen other Mana games have been released since that hardly share anything in common with the game that launched the popularity of the series in the first place. (This isn’t completely true since Seiken Densetsu 3 was the refined successor to Secret of Mana, but it was never released outside of Japan. If it wasn’t for a fan made translation patch for the ROM, it may as well never have existed to the rest of the world.)

What is so hard about replicating a successful formula that generated so much praise? Why did Square Enix effortlessly nail the Final Fantasy series for so long but manage to deliver one steaming embarrassment after another for the Mana series?

Take the horrendous flop ‘Hereos of Mana’ on the DS for example. It’s a tactical strategy game. A fucking tactical strategy game. Who the hell said “Man, I loved Secret of Mana! I hope they make it into a tactical strategy game.” Nobody did. I guarantee there was not a single person on the planet, outside of the developers, who thought that would be a good idea. It was just another terrible decision for a franchise that’s been neglected more than the dog I kick everyday on my way to work.

Or how about ‘Children of Mana’ for the DS in 2005? How many of you envisioned a perfect co-op adventure with your friends straight from the vein of Secret of Mana and awaited anxiously for the upcoming Rabite genocide like a little kid the night before Christmas? So did I. Now after actually playing the game, how many of you felt like you woke up Christmas morning to find that Santa had shit on your bed and given you cancer? You’re not alone, the game was that bad.

During a time when Square Enix has been polishing their classics and shipping them out faster than Kevin Smith’s cyclopean ass getting tossed off airplanes, it boggles the mind to think that Secret of Mana is somehow being forgotten in the excitement. What did this game ever do to be treated with such disdain from it’s makers? It’s sales numbers are right on par with every other best seller they’ve released on the SNES. The re-release of a classic three player adventure should be a no-brainer when good co-op RPG’s are about as uncommon as WoW gamers not having to pay for sex.

Chrono Trigger, of all games, saw a flawless port to the DS with improved dialogue and a few additional sub plots. While I appreciate the gesture from Square Enix that acknowledges the era that made them what they are today and I imagine Europeans were also pleased since it was the first time Chrono Trigger was released in the PAL region, I can’t help but think what a waste of time. Seriously. It was already re-released once before on the Playstation in 1999. Why again? The one game that people are screaming for is Secret of Mana; a three player adventure that is a perfect candidate for a wireless handheld system. Instead they opted to port Chrono Trigger, a good but overrated, single player game that doesn’t benefit at all from what the DS can offer. Realistically it should have been a Playstation Store release along with Final Fantasy VII.

I imagine things aren’t as simple as dumping the code onto a DS cartridge and smashing it with a rock until it works like how I solve most of my problems. The wifi would surely complicate things when trying to integrate it with a 16 year old game, but how many lonely nerds would it take to do that? 3, tops? Square Enix probably has a grab-bag of suicidal programmers staring at a wall that could hammer it out over a weekend. Throw them a bag of corn nuts, put on a pot of coffee and give them a reason to live for once.

Secret of Mana is a fantastic game that shouldn’t be left to die like the hobo I hit with my car last weekend. It’s tragically never received any attention since it’s initial release on the Super Nintendo in 1993 and I firmly believe it would be a huge success on the wireless, handheld DS. If you are one of the many fans of this great game, then make some noise and let’s see if we can pressure Square Enix into liberating a classic.

If Japan has taught me anything it’s that stereotypes hold true. For example, the Japanese have bad hair and awful taste in music. This is fact. Amongst all their rich culture, crazy vending machines and questionable food that will give you nightmares is something they are also known for: excellent game developers and dedicated fans.

I have just been introduced to the Dragon Quest series, games that have been around longer than the jar of mayonnaise in my fridge which has recently grown hair and teeth. This is a franchise that flies low under the radar for the rest of the world but is a household name in Japan and for good reason.

I always regretted not playing the Dragon Warrior series on NES and it wasn’t until recently that I put the connection together and realized that Dragon Warrior and Dragon Quest are the same games but just named differently in America due to conflicting trademarks. So a franchise that I thought had died some time ago, along with Crystal Pepsi and the hobo I kept locked in a cage, is in fact ruling part of Asia with adorable tyranny.

One of the many toy stores I visited. I need to reevaluate my life.

On my trek across the nerdiest country on the planet I visited a depressing amount of video game and toy stores and in almost every case there was a common theme. Dragon Quest has an ass load of horrible, over-priced merchandise that now decorates my apartment. Japan is obsessed with these games, in fact it’s the highest selling video game franchise in the nation. Each game has sold a minimum of 1 million copies and others have far exceeded that. It offers not only the core games but also spin offs, collectibles, accessories, and anime that I wouldn’t be caught dead watching.

During my travel I spent all my down time hammering away at Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen for the DS and I must say that it is just what the doctor ordered along with antibiotics for the stomach parasites I brought home. Old school dungeon crawling, relentless character leveling sprinkled with awesome weapons and magic, a solid party system all wrapped up neatly in a huge over world. I put in over 40 hours of game play before I finally finished it with a celebratory fist pump.

With merchandise that resembles lumpy blue shit with eyes, how could you possibly say no?

Modern Dragon Quest releases feature an extremely classic style that won’t offer much to the younger generation of gamers other than a history lesson in RPG’s. I make sure I play them in the dark with my blinds closed in case any of the neighborhood kids see me and start to throw pine cones at my window and I’m forced to run out side naked, swinging a snow shovel.

The enemies at first appear friendly and harmless, but in time you’ll learn that they won’t hesitate to rape your dead body until its cold. If you’re not careful you’ll find your entire party either asleep or paralyzed and you’ll have no choice but to watch your crew get bent over by smiling monsters. Believe me when I say it’s about as much fun as dipping your penis in barbecue sauce and sticking it into a colony of fire ants so you had better be prepared in combat.

Dragon Quest is certainly not for everyone, in fact it’s reserved strictly for the loneliest and socially reclusive people on the planet who have no plans of making contact with women anytime soon. For those who grew up on tedious turn based combat and don’t mind cock blocking themselves for the foreseeable future then I would highly recommend dedicating 20-40 hours of your sad life to any of these great games. You have nothing better to do anyways.